Good job again, Afa. I'm here for you. Whatever she's saying about knowing you would get D is BS. If she had known, she wouldn't have married you.
What you want to get away from is the role of the poor guy who's crazy about his W and she's leaving him behind. Show her you're strong and that you value yourself. Show her you can take this and that you are okay (even if it's really, really hard and might not be entirely true at this moment.) If she brings back the topic of the div of assets, tell her to get herself a laywer and that you'll do the same, and that when it's time, you can talk about it. Don't bring the topic again.
Remember this: when someone says he wants a D, it really doesn't mean anything until some time has passed. I freaked out when my H said it; got a L, even started packing up my stuff. Bad idea. We then went back and forth for about 2 years. His A is what messed everything up. But basically, if I hadn't freaked out and practiced the DB techniques, maybe we would've been okay now. So please don't make the same mistakes I made.
I'll check in again later when work allows...
I tend to agree afa.
At this point, I would calmly, and politely, tell her:
"I agree that you should move out as long as you are in contact with OM and unwilling to work on our marriage. For now, I am willing to let you take what you need. We can work out the other assets once we both are ready to move forward and have had a chance to consider what is fair to each of us. That is going to take some time. afa"
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thank you everyone today for the incredible support and guidance you provided to me today. So here's the rest of the story as of now. Finished work. Met W with S7 so I could sign him up for Cub Scouts, and she can go get her Zumba fix. We all return home later on. Light friendly chit chat. No mention of D or moving out or all that stuff. U worked out really good and talked with a friend, and just finished reading a book. I was on FB earlier, I noticed I had one less friend. Any guesses who may have very recently defriended me? I did not nor do I intend ob saying anything about. To be honest it makes me partly laugh, and yet at the same time really start to feel sorry for her. Not pity, more of a forgiving kind of way. Guess we'll see what tomorrow brings. Night all.
Oh, one more thing, at least I now have a good response for when she eventually does bring up moving out. y Also, sad but true, I took of my wedding ring, and I don't feel totally awkward not wearing it. Guess that's a good sign for me. Again, good night all. Wishing everyone the best for themselves!
Good to know how your day ended, Afa. Yes, it seems like your W's behavior is completely driven by the emotions of the moment. Great that you didn't mention the FB thing and took off your ring.
Continue conveying to her that you are okay and not desperate to stop her from filing or moving out. Once things have settled, your goals will change...Take things one day at a time.
Wow! It's been a day and a half since I last posted. Based on the craziness of this past week it seems like forever ago.
So yesterday was low key, uneventful. By that I mean she has not brought up anything about moving out or filing or anything of those sorts. To be honest, I've dimmed down some. Not totally dark, but a lot dimmer. It's more peaceful for me mentally.
The weirdest thing that happened yesterday was that she asked if I could either drive my truck or let her for a local parade that she was supposed to be involved in. She originally asked this past Sunday, as well as saying she had a VA k up truck if I didn't want to. The original plan, a few weeks ago, was for her to do her thing; and for me to tale the kiddos, which u wanted to do. Amyways, at the last minute, who does she ask? She has no back up plan evidently. The boys and I o to wash the truck just in case. The main reasons I was unclined to help out was for the kids (they were going to rude in the back), to be the better not bitter man, and to wash my truck. It's been forever since I washed it and it was a fun thing to do with the boys. To end this long story, her club cancelled out of the parade so I did look like the better guy and my truck is clean.
So if I would have posted yesterday, it would have been a rant. A rant regarding how ridiculously dirty our home has become. I say this because I'm not super cleaning like I used to (a 180 for me), and she's living like a teen ager - cell phone by her side at all times, FBing, and looking up music videos on YouTube. Funny how cleaning was important when the OM was to come over, and then let everything else fall to sh*t.
Today us actual 9 year anniversary, and I'm nowhere near as messed up as I was on my birthday, just a few days ago. Again, I'm at peace with where I am in this whole scenario. I do not like it of course, but for now, I can accept it. Never did I think I'd be here, but I am. Perhaps a gift I received on my birthday was mental stability. The W's stopped by earlier to give us an anniversary card. She's like the one person who didn't know about us, at least until now. This was largely due to the fear that she would go off and chastise W. Fortunately she didn't, at least that is what W told me. The grandmother did suggest that we try to work things out in the house. Oh and that the house was a mess.
That may.have been why the W earlier mentioned she needed a bed, not a couch. A comical heart warming thing that occurred before she and D went to Zumba, is that she said something incorrectly. I politely corrected her (not being rude / inside joke kind of a thing). Her response, "That's what happens when you're married to an English teacher.".
So Tori, and others, there's the update. Be careful what you ask for. .
Oh, and Happy 9th Anniversary to me, as I at least have 3 beautiful children as a result of this marriage.
Hey, Afa. Wow, good for you. Hearing about how well you're doing makes me feel better, especially today, which was such a bad day.
My coach said the WAS usually behave like a 5-year-old, trying to establish independence and control. If you show them they are free and under control, they relax and actually listen a little.
Your W is following the WAS pattern, and your responses to her behaviors have been great. Good job.
Talk to the L about: -Retainer -Fees -Hours your case might take -Alimony/support you can expect -Collaborative options
This will be hard. It was for me. The first time I saw a lawyer, my shirt was drenched in nervious sweat at the end. Maybe men are different. Anyway, think that this D might not happen anyway and you're doing this to be prepared just in case.
From now on: -Keep track of your expenses -Keep financial statements organized -Find all tax returns -Closely monitor joint accounts/credit cards.
I strongly suggest interviewing 3 lawyers (at least) and decide on the one that makes you feel most comfortable. And remember to wait for her to take the first step, which hopefully will not happen.
Keep up the good spirits and let us know how the meeting with the L went. Tori
Thanks Tori for the compliment. Honestly this site has been the most helpful thus far.
As far as the consult with my L. It's someone that I know and respect because if profession.al collaboration. We give referrals to each other. I respect her and the work she does. I've seen how good, fair, and family oriented she is.
Based on me being the "fixer," I know where all the financial stuff is.
Oh, on a side note, I'm eating bday cake and drinking a protein shake in bed (trying to give her space and regain some of the weight I loss initially), so I hear her literally LOL and then calls me out to watch a video of her doing Zumba that D took earlier tonight. So I sat beside her, not too close, but close enough that she eventually pressed her foot on my leg; and she ignored her phone until the video was over. Nothing huge, just a little positive. If that didn't make you smile, then smile that I'm eating cake and enjoying it.
You made me smile :-) It's great you are focusing on the small stuff, which added up amounts to big progress. I think you and I have similar personalities. I'm also super organized and a "fixer" and we both married people who brought that fun/spontaneous side to our lives that we were missing.
I'm happy to hear you are doing better and eating yummy cake. I'm also glad you came to this site when it's still not too late to save your marriage. I wish I had done this two years ago.
.