The 180's/changes are for you, not to win her back.
She is on her own journey - let her go - I know how hard it is, been there and done that.
Take whatever love you have for her and put it away in a safe place. A box maybe and put it up on a shelf. You can always get it down later if you need it.
I can only tell you that DIVORCE = SPACE if you dont give her enough she will take it anyways.
She is on her own journey - let her go - I know how hard it is, been there and done that.
I'm actually getting better at letting her go. I've resided myself to the fact that she may be gone forever, I can't stop her from leaving, and I'll be ok if she does. I don't want that, and thinking about it hurts worse than anything, but not as much as it did the first month or two.
Quote:
Take whatever love you have for her and put it away in a safe place. A box maybe and put it up on a shelf. You can always get it down later if you need it.
I'm going to do this. But how do I live without this love, or any intimate love for years? Anyone have any tips? Like I explained earlier, loving her and having her committed to loving me is almost all I know, it was my entire adult life, over 3 decades! Being alone seems unimaginable.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I'm going to do this. But how do I live without this love, or any intimate love for years? Anyone have any tips? Like I explained earlier, loving her and having her committed to loving me is almost all I know, it was my entire adult life, over 3 decades! Being alone seems unimaginable.
Lol, thanks Cadet. I do have plans to keep myself busy with projects, activities and friends.
About 3 months ago I posted my story on the 'talk about marriage' board. Activity there is quite high, but almost everyone advised me to go super snoop to root out any affair, show her the door, and file for D before she does. This advice flew in the face of what I learned from the other sources I used for marriage saving guidance, and seemed like a sure fast track to end my marriage, which is not what I wanted. It's so much better to be here where members actually work to save marriages, even if the activity in my thread is not as high.
My wife and I have worked through things for 33 years, I hope we can somehow get through this.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
In your case, the idea is to find a way through the walls she built up sooner than later. Without being pushy or threatening.
I have heard this from another person also, but I'm not sure why she built up these walls, or how to go about breaking through them.
We still get along good, and while she is distant she is generally nice to me. She also has been doing more of her share of the house chores, has cut back on the 1-2 hour a day workouts, and is journaling her cute little butt off. Any idea's?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
MLC will take as long as it takes the person experiencing it to get through their issues, resolve them and accept the fact that they were not to blame for the lack of love, admiration and/or validation in their early years.
What do you do in the meantime? Focus on you, make a like of items that you've put off for a long time and start doing them, go to a gym, learn something new, but any of these things have to be because you want to do them for yourself, not for her. Dbing is about learning how to cope and learning how to use the skills, not to just to try to win the wayward spouse back, but can be used in your day-to-day life as well.
Follow her lead and whatever else you do...keep your expectations at zero at all times. Your wife has taken a trip to Wonderland and is trying to find herself in the looking glass. Give her as much space and time as you can. She needs to work through her issues on her own and unfortunately, you can't help her because you didn't break her.
God has given both of you the gift of time to heal. Take this time to reconnect w/your inner self as well. Take the focus off of her and what she's doing and turn it back on to you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you T2 and snodderly for your thoughts. Your support is truly appreciated.
For the first two months of our situation I literally had no interest at all in listening to any music. Then, slowly, I was able to listen to happy songs. Today I pulled up 'Telephone Line' by ELO and almost cried:
Originally Posted By: Electric Light Orchestra
Hello. How are you? Have you been alright, through all those lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely nights That's what I'd say. I'd tell you everything If you'd pick up that telephone yeah yeah yeah
Hey. How you feelin? Are you still the same? Don't you realize the things we did, we did, were all for real, not a dream? I just can't believe They've all faded out of view yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Doowop dooby doo doowop doowah doolang Blue days black nights doowah doolang
I look into the sky, the love you need ain't gonna see you through And I wonder why the little things you planned ain't coming true
Oh oh Telephone Line, give me some time, I'm living in twilight Oh oh Telephone Line, give me some time, I'm living in twilight
Ok. So no one's answering Well can't you just let it ring a little longer longer longer oh oh ooohhhhh I'll just sit tight through shadows of the night And let it ring for evermore oh oh ooohhhhh yeah yeah yeah
Doowop dooby doo doowop doowah doolang Blue days black nights doowah doolang
When I look into the sky, the love you need ain't gonna see you through And I wonder why the little things you planned ain't coming true
Oh oh Telephone Line, give me some time, I'm living in twilight Oh oh Telephone Line, give me some time, I'm living in twilight Oh oh Telephone Line, give me some time, I'm living in twilight Oh oh Telephone Line, give me some time, I'm living in twilight
T2: I read some of your posts and see that like me, you bicycle to work. Are you still doing this? How far is your ride?
I've been riding to work for 7 years now, 12-13 miles each way. I usually do it 3 days a week. Even in the winter I get at least 2-3 rides in a month. All I need is temps in the teens or higher, and no snow and I'm good to go. Been cycling about 3000 miles a year!
I'm going out to a sports bar tonight to watch the UFC fights with my martial arts classmates. Don't really do this very often, (only my second time) as I prefer practicing instead of watching. Still, I need to get out more so here I go.
My wife is going out of town for work with her boss Monday and Tuesday. In keeping with my DB coaches orders, I'm trying to come up with something that will surprise her when she returns.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
