Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers So here's my story part 2

Work on what you need to do. Let her figure her side out.

The L will be helpful.

This may sound like a dumb question, what all should I even be looking at for myself (other than not wanting a D)? Tips?

Here is an email she sent to follow up on the text that I was too busy to respond to (busy at work).

Titled: "Reality"
Well, you didn’t text me back and I know this isn’t where you thought we would be days away from our nine year wedding anniversary, and I’m sincerely sorry that I’m hurting you. It was never my intention to hurt you, but I don’t want to fix things. I’m happy, genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. I used to lay around and not want to make dinners and mope and feel alone. I don’t do that anymore I feel good about me about my relationship with the kids. I have made my peace with this. You are an amazing guy and anyone would be lucky to have you, but I can’t force what I don’t feel. We make a great team and we’ll be able to be great with the kids together and rely on each other, but the reality is I want out. You’re holding on to something that I’m not. Wearing your ring isn’t going to make me come back anymore than reading the books I asked you to read years ago is. I had moments of happiness with you, but it was all in anticipation of something else. I want us to sit down and talk about who gets what and divide things up and talk about the house. I can’t share a space with you anymore. It’s not sharing a space it’s me on the couch. I would rather have my own space, so I’m bending. If you want to stay in the house, I’m willing to rent one for now until we get to a lawyer and figure out how this is all going to work, but can you afford the house on your own if I move out? We need to talk about custody, holidays, dividing of assets, I want my car in my name, etc."

Am I wrong to think that she's even more serious about the D? I'm losing hope here.

I agree, Afa. The L appointment is necessary. She'll move out but I doubt she'll initiate D proceedings, so "let the dust settle" as my coach said. Tell her you get it, that you understand she wants a D. Let her find her place and let deal with the initial stress of the finances. She might have to get a new job. This is what she wants, correct? So let her deal with the consequences.

My coach said it's important that she feels that you're letting her go. Then she'll stop trying to pull away from you. Remember, things could change, but you must let some time go by. Careful saying anything that might make her feel like she's a bad person, or she'll pull away even more. Good luck.

Thank you Tori. That is a little reassuring.
I know the main purpose of DBing is to make myself a better me, but I think all of us here can admit, that we do hope that a byproduct is saving our M.

I simply replied to her email saying something along the lines of, I would rather not talk about this while at work. Feel free to begin drawing up what she considers "fair" regarding the possible division of everything.

Afa, don't rush the discussion about the division of things. It will create a clear picture in both of your minds that your M is over. LEt her take the lead. Remember, you don't want this, so let her do the work. I took on all the work when my H said he wanted a D and it just made things worse.

Your focus now: to let the dust settle, to let her digest her own feelings about her D proposal, to be at peace, to create a feeling of acceptance and love when you two talk. Don't initiate any conversations or texts or anything. If she texts you, okay, reply, but don't initiate anything.

And your goal is to save your M. Mine too. That's why we're here and that's why Michelle wrote the DB book. Hang in there.

So I'm glad you checked back. Today is a day where I'm going to need much support from anyone and everyone (here and in real life).

She replied with a few kiddo details that do need to be immediately addressed. Actually simple stuff.

And then the following:
"I understand that you don’t want to talk about this at work, but we don’t exactly have time to talk about it at home without children either. Hence, the situation we find ourselves in. I don’t know what would be fair because I don’t know what you want other than for this to not be happening. I knew, I knew ten years ago when we first got together that one day we would be divorced and it would hurt you. I know you genuinely love me, and I’m sorry. I feel like I can’t apologize enough."

I'm only going to reply to the kiddo details, and not get sucked into the details of our M, during my work day. My job is too emotionally consuming to deal with this (she knows that). Also, I'm going to make her do all the work. I threw the division ball into her court.

My wife and I are recently separated, based on my own experience I would suggest that you table all D discussions and if she brings it up then tell her you want to take it a step at a time, S first D later. It takes a lot of the pressure off.

As Tori said, you need to let your W know she's free to go. You might want to read Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough", it talks about this in great detail. She feels trapped, but when you open the cage door the pressure is released and it will change her frame of mind. She'll probably still need to go to get her thoughts sorted. I can tell you that things in my own R changed substantially once W knew she was free to go. She still left, but we've been getting along better than ever since the time I "released" her and stopped all R talks. Reconcilation may be months away for me if it's in the cards at all, but I feel confident the way to that has been paved as smoothly as possible. And that's what this is all about, laying the groundwork- planting seeds and waiting for them to grow.

Good job again, Afa. I'm here for you.
Whatever she's saying about knowing you would get D is BS. If she had known, she wouldn't have married you.

What you want to get away from is the role of the poor guy who's crazy about his W and she's leaving him behind. Show her you're strong and that you value yourself. Show her you can take this and that you are okay (even if it's really, really hard and might not be entirely true at this moment.) If she brings back the topic of the div of assets, tell her to get herself a laywer and that you'll do the same, and that when it's time, you can talk about it. Don't bring the topic again.

Remember this: when someone says he wants a D, it really doesn't mean anything until some time has passed. I freaked out when my H said it; got a L, even started packing up my stuff. Bad idea. We then went back and forth for about 2 years. His A is what messed everything up. But basically, if I hadn't freaked out and practiced the DB techniques, maybe we would've been okay now. So please don't make the same mistakes I made.

I'll check in again later when work allows...

afa75, i have to say that you have an opportunity to really employ DB right now, IMO. I too believe if i had known DB two years ago i might have been in a different place now with my M. Give DB the best you can its an optimal chance and, it seems you still have one.

so many of us have heard the reality/am done/finished speech. a lot of that speech is coming out of fear and and emotion.

i agree with tori2012 use this boards not only to grow and hopefully save your M, but to learn from our mistakes as well.