Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Divorced #4

Idk... weekend started off awesome. Ended sucky. I just have to walk away right now. For my sanity. GALing today was good for about 4 hours. I can say right now I am not sure I can do it. X telling me he was done was all that I could handle... she must make him happy is my thought. He would have never walked away this easily before. Never.

Mrs D -
Maybe she's just a rebound... usually guys will latch right on to someone new because they are hurting and they need their ego and whatever else stroked. I know it stinks but that's the reality. It must really hurt, but perhaps it will help you to detach and move on.

You need to stop texting him. You are pursuing and it's not attractive. Let him be and let him come back to you. If she's really such a floozy he's going to lose interest in her in a few months anyway. Just hope he doesn't get her preggo. All this texting and desperation is NOT the new you that you want him to see!

I went to see "Celeste and Jesse Forever" tonight as I was feeling sorry for myself. It was 5 pm, my H and kids were not home from the party that they went to (I was asked not to attend), and I thought to myself that I needed to not be home when they got home. So I went out. I thought of you while I was watching the movie. It is about a couple who really do love each other and have a wonderful bond, but they end up divorcing. Funny, touching, sad. You will cry but you might feel some hope too.

Hugs. Now that you are so mad at X start trying to detach.

MrsD,

I am truly sorry for what happened to you but I wouldn't worry too much right now. IMO, you've been pursuing too much and not detaching enough and you got hurt in the process.

I know my life s%cks right now and I don't feel quite confident enough about my own sitch to give advice but here is one thing I think you've got to do, which is where I think you've messed up a bit (no worried though, there is still plenty of time to make things right again - Time, that is all we have).

Open your DR and read the LRT section again. Read it an try and stick to it. There is a bit in there on page 129/130 that talks about the "second possible response from your spouse" It tells you at the top of page 130 how to behave if he's positively responsive to your LRT. That is where I think you messed up. You tried to push the nut towards the squirrel and it ran away. You need to be patient.

Read the list of 37 Do's and Don'ts again. If you can't find it, let me know, I'll post it for you.

Believe me I know how exciting it is whenever they take a step closer but don't get fooled by it. He is also confused. He likes what he sees and hears but then he doesn't like that he likes it and pulls back. He doesn't want to look like a fool. After all didn't he just spend all that money on a Divorce? it 's got to come from him. You just make yourself the best person you can (and that doesn't include sending emails/texts like you just did) and let him come all the way. He'll get closer, pull back a bit, come a bit closer and pull back a bit again and eventually, for every step backwards he'll make 1 1/2 forward and he'll take that nut from your hand. That's how you get a squirrel to eat out of your hand. You got to gain his trust, little by little, patiently. No moves forward. Let him come all the way. I know you can do it because you have, over the last week.

Take a break, regroup, plan your strategy and get back in the game. You got that close because he's still interested. He's just scared right now.

Cheers my girl. Take care of yourself!

"X telling me he was done was all that I could handle... she must make him happy is my thought."

Yes she does. She also hasn't betrayed him as many times as you have. Sad but true. Deal with it.

"He would have never walked away this easily before. Never."

And he didn't. But the problem is that you kept breaking that trust over and over again.

Now suddenly, just because you've "seen the light" doesn't mean that he will or needs to. You are going to have to accept that all of life doesn't revolve around YOUR schedule. Now it's his time.

He was the betrayed one. He is the only one that will know whether or not to heal with you. From his POV, you've shown that you continue to be selfish. You wanted to have an EA and didn't stop it, then now when he has someone that makes him happy, you are doing everything you can to belittle their relationship. If the roles were reversed, how would you see it? Be honest.

I told you it would take time, patience and alot of love and understanding. Right now you haven't shown any of that.

You've got to let him make his own decision on his own timeline. No more thinking of only yourself. Then you can see what happens.

God doesn't only give YOU what you want, when you want it. He balances out the wrong. And throughout this, who has been in the wrong? Right now, your H needs this and deserves this.

This may not be what you want to hear, but it is the truth.

I'm sorry Mrs D. I hate that you had a backslide, but it happens to most of us at some point. You do realize you pursued 2-3 times between that text/call don't you? You've got to stop that....you really do have to try to let go. Hang in there...

Thanks for for the hugs Regret.

Regret - there are answers in the quote area itself. Guess I dont understand how to do that. LOL

Thanks Arsene. I just feel if anything that did happen good was just fake right now. Ill take your advice and read those sections again. I thought even though I was alittle persuing, it was something that I needed to do more of since I was the WAS. I dont know what I need to do anymore. I know I need to learn patience. I know I need to look at my 180s again, but me being selfish has not gotten any better. Well - maybe in some aspects, but not with him.

Read Bond's post again, there's a lot of truth there.

My analogy for this is, picture 2 paths, you're on yours, XH is on his. The goal in from on of you is the person you want to be. Don't confuse that with the W of XH you want to be but the whole and healthy person you want to be. Who knows what XH's goals are right now but it's not your business really.

You keep walking your path as he continues on his. Someday...someday the paths might converge, might. But either way you are in a better place because you've become the woman you were meant to be.

That's all you can do. You have no control over other people and when you really let that rule your thinking your life will become much better.

Right now it seems you're trying to use a bulldozer to force your paths together. He's not appreciating that.

MrB - you are so right. I have to just let go. Just when I think I am doing better - he does something that brings me right back here. Its the kibble effect, you know? I cant do anything more for him. As much as I want to, I cant. Last week, KD thought as I did, that the little things that I was doing here and there were good things. They may have been good things, but at the same time - they played with my emotions. Again, I thought I was doing well with detaching. i feel as if I have to NC to get back to start again. Does that make sense?