My boss' dad passed away a couple days ago. He used to work here and I became close to him. But over the years, after he retired, he's not been around much. Then he got sick and had to be cared for. Well, he gave up living and not in a bad way. His body just had enough, I think.
My wife knew him and I told her. She asked when the funeral was and I told her. That day she had plans with her man to go hiking. I was actually going to watch our daughter that night so my wife could stay at his house.
She just called and wants to go with me. She talked about canceling her plans with OM. She also asked if I was ok with us going together. I told her it doesn't bother me at all - sort of in a tone that says, "either way, I'm cool."
Am I wrong for allowing her to go with me? I mean, the weird thing is, she really wasn't that close to him. She knew him a little but not in such a way to cancel plans to go to his funeral. Or at least I wouldn't think so.
Me:42 W:43 M:03/08/98 SD17, D13 Found out about affair:12/16/10 Found out again: 06/22/12 Split: 06/22/12
That is exactly what I need to repeat to myself. I need to act like nothing has changed. I will not try to get close physically or emotionally. I will treat it as a friendship - pick her up, go, then take her home and drop her off. Done.
Me:42 W:43 M:03/08/98 SD17, D13 Found out about affair:12/16/10 Found out again: 06/22/12 Split: 06/22/12
The roller coaster of emotions are awful. Just awful.
I can't have her go to the funeral with me today. The pain is still fresh. My feelings for her are still too strong. I text her last night and told her. She was staying at her boyfriend's house. My daughter called me from the house when she stopped by to pick up some clothes to go stay with friends. She worried about our dog being left alone all night.
Something about it all hurt me real deep. So I text her and told her I should go alone.
Why can I not stick with going dark long enough to make it work? I hurt so bad without her. I think I'm helping the situation by staying close to her but I'm not. Not at all. I need help.
Me:42 W:43 M:03/08/98 SD17, D13 Found out about affair:12/16/10 Found out again: 06/22/12 Split: 06/22/12
I am try to get this right in my head. It's over. I need to treat it as such. No contact unless it's about the kids. She is with him and they love each other. That's it. What more do I need to know? I'm a fool for even trying or keeping myself open. I need to shut down and be done. I need the strength to do so.
Me:42 W:43 M:03/08/98 SD17, D13 Found out about affair:12/16/10 Found out again: 06/22/12 Split: 06/22/12
I hurt deeply. This struggle I go through now is one I put off when we split. It's also one I never allowed it to get a full grip on me when we were together and I knew something was going on.
I had to set a meeting up for us about finances. We spoke, I was happy and cordial. I told her thank you for a wonderful Saturday when we went to the funeral together. She said thanks too. (She sounded so happy and content. Like this is what she wanted - letting her go for good.) We spoke briefly about the weekend and the kids and that was it.
I am in a deep fog. Do wives ever come back? Should they? Should we allow them to? What is my one true hope?
Me:42 W:43 M:03/08/98 SD17, D13 Found out about affair:12/16/10 Found out again: 06/22/12 Split: 06/22/12
I am in a deep fog. Do wives ever come back? Should they? Should we allow them to? What is my one true hope?
Yes, they do come back, there are lots of stories on these forums about it. I know, because I've been digging through them to give myself hope, and there are quite a few success stories. Unfortunately there are no guarantees, and not knowing is the hardest part of all. It's a game of endurance, the success stories are typically in a window of 3 months to a year. If MLC is involved it can take much longer. I think there would be many more success stories if spouses were willing to wait it out, but in this "gotta have it now" society it's easier for most people to abandon hope early on and go find someone else.
As for whether we should allow them to come back, that's a question I've struggled with as well. My wife has breached my trust 3 times now (twice through hidden financial problems and once by the unexpected BD) and I'm constantly asking myself that if we do reconcile, can I ever trust her again? I think I could, but we'd have to go through in-depth counseling to figure that one out.
Regarding your one true hope, how much hope you want to hold in your heart is up to you. If holding hope is just causing you harm (as it sounds like it is) then maybe you should accept that it's time to move on and totally detach. Often when a spouse finally does decide to let go and move on that is when the wayward spouse suddenly finds them attractive again. Not saying it would be the case with you, but we all eventually get to the point where we have to decide to let go for our own personal well-being.
