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I am not sure a Judge would give me full custody without proof also Montana is a no fault divorce state. I agree with you sandi, when I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep at 2 in the morning..I started analyzing her past relationships; she has made a jump to a new man from everyone for the last 23 years. I should have known better but I was sucked in by her siren song. She is very beautiful- she used to be a model- so she is addicted to men hitting on her but now she is 40 and thinks she is approaching perimenopause she still turns heads but has to look around to see if she is...kinda sad in a way. Anyway I am confused to as what to do now. I am detaching and trying to go dark but I also want to find out if there is another M or am I paranoid; something she has accused me of a lot. I have turned into this obsessed detective, driving by her house, checking phone records etc....I know this is all the wrong stuff to do, it feels like an addiction though. I have to stop. My D(11) and D(6) really want her to come back and say every day mom is coming back.....but I am not so sure.

oh also she had professional therapy and that is how we got into this mess. the therapist turned out to be this feminist that works with battered women and does not think highly of men. She told her leave your husband your kids will be fine...you are an artist be an artist....that is what she is trying to do by the way but is being funded by her parents and her 12hr 18hrs a week job. so therapist are a crap shoot some good some not good.

My w is going to call tonight probably to talk to the girls. Should I confront her then or continue to stay dark and just let them talk to her? I am leaning to talking to her when/if she calls. But I don't know. Talked to d(11) about it last night and she thinks there is nothing going on...I let her believe that...

I think you married the wrong woman. As this is who she is. Either you can accept that or not.

well my sitch has changed a bit...my W is being better to the girls and has quit the band. Not sure if the other M is still around but my D(11) has asked that she not have people over and my W agreed but told D(11)no playdates then.

When you talk about confronting your W, what does that look like to you? What would be different from what you've already done?

Well here goes things have changed a lot now. The Om is not there when the kids are there she is doing much better with the kids not yelling at them and they are having fun with her. The kids think she is coming back and this won't be a permanent thing.
She invited me over to dinner last night with the kids I went but I was very nervous and went with my plan of 180. I only had one backslide. When I got there she was out picking up the girls and I texted her that I was there; I went in to play with our dog...then i saw her phone and looked up the texts to the OM....I know that is a big mistake but what I saw was that they are just friends. She was asking him about the girl that he was interested in and giving him advice...etc...I know that to some that may sound naive but my W is not like most women..she is more comfortable with Men friends etc...to be on the safe side I am still going to treat him as the OM.
Anyway had a nice evening and other than that I did not do any detective work that I normally do..asking about this and that. I played with my daughters while she fixed dinner..all the while my d-11 giving me tips..."go ask her if she needs any help"..etc and then later we were talking about tile in our house that she wants me to get but she said wait because she thinks her boss will give her 30percent discount...only is she moves back and my daughters eyes got big as the smiled and made excited sounds. Also she said some mutual friends of ours would like to take us to their river house and she said she would like to do that....I think I might not do this as this is maybe too much time together? Also this Halloween she wants to dress up together and take the kids out together....and she said she would stay at our house for the night in the spare bedroom. I know I have to take all this with some caution but is this hope?

We also talked privately mostly about the kids and how they are doing...she is broke but her parents are giving her money and they can afford it as they were just offered 1.2 million for some land they own...that made my jaw drop and feel like my chances might not be so good...but I know we are better as a family and the kids will be so happy if we got back together...this is so hard on them as one week with me and one week with her.I don't care what people say it really effects children when families split up, no doubt about it..I do ask D-11 and D6 if they think their mom is happy and they say no. I really think me backing off has helped a lot and I think she is missing me some but she fills the void with lots of other people...I don't think I married the wrong women...I made some mistakes too....I just hope I get one more chance to make the M work....

Hopefully you're satisfied now and won't continue down that road, because you will get caught and it will set you way back.



That's your call, just be well aware of the pursuit/ distance dynamic your W is likely engaging in. If she senses you GAL'ing, she will pursue as it sounds like she's doing now. If you act on that pursuit, she's likely to distance herself again. She's keeping her options open. Try to remain a bit unavailable. Don't answer the phone every time she calls. Take a while to reply to texts. If she invites you to events, by all means go to some of them but you might pass on one here and there due to "conflicts". Don't specify what your conflicts are, just leave her guessing.



It is absolutely hope! Just be careful about your approach as described above, you don't want to scare her off just as she's warming up. As someone on these forums has said, it's like trying to feed a squirrel. You have to hold perfectly still as the squirrel timidly approaches you for the food. If you make any small move it scurries away and the whole process starts all over again. But hold perfectly still and it'll come for the food when it's ready.

Well if she's just coming back to you because she's broke then it'll never last. Money is the last reason you would want her to approach you for reconciliation.