I have let him know that while I do notice his efforts there are huge boundaries he is breeching. Number one being that he does not see the problem in talking to her. I said that I will not ever back down on that. Not in a week, not in 4 years.. not ever. If he must remain in contact with her then I must be true to myself and walk away. No comment.
WS moves out 9/11 OWH DD#1 12/11 FR#1 1/12 DD#2 2/12 WS leaves 4/12 WS tries FR#2 6/12 WS/OW move in 7/12 WS leaves OW 9/12 WS back with other OW 12/12 Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13 WS files divorce 8/28/13
I even pointed out that he failed to cut her off the last 2 times and that resulted in him getting back into the affair. She is divorced because of this affair and has made it very clear to everyone she wants my husband to be her husband now.
He has told people he wants to try with me. He told her he was coming back to me even. She keeps calling. He said it's not an issue she is not interfering in our effort to reconcile. I said she is the number 1 enemy and no matter what "advice" she is giving him he needs to understand she is NOT his friend and has her OWN interests at heart when she gives advice to him. Advice to make sure we DON'T reconcile and I said he was so stuck on her that he does not see it clearly.
No comment.
LOL...
Do they ever see the light? Sometimes I do think he gets it but then he babbles again and I know it's time to back off...
WS moves out 9/11 OWH DD#1 12/11 FR#1 1/12 DD#2 2/12 WS leaves 4/12 WS tries FR#2 6/12 WS/OW move in 7/12 WS leaves OW 9/12 WS back with other OW 12/12 Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13 WS files divorce 8/28/13
Ruby, GOOD FOR YOU for sticking to your guns. Try not to explain it so much to him, though -- "Look, you know where I stand. This is your mess; you need to clean it up" (or something similar ... nothing longer than that).
My mentor once told me "You can't teach an infidel," and it's true. If and when your husband is serious, he will come to YOU and start suggesting ideas for no-contact, transparency, etc., etc.
Do they ever see the light? Sometimes I do think he gets it but then he babbles again and I know it's time to back off...
This is because of his continued contact with her. Every time they have contact, it fogs him out, and his "withdrawal clock" re-sets back to 0:00:00. It's a physiological FACT.
He is being transparent. He tells me where he is at all times. Who he is with. He has even told me they still talk, which surprised me because he's always lied about it. He knows I check the bill. He knows I have no trust. He is being very good with it all. The one thing he has not done and has not seen as important as I do is the NO CONTACT for life part.
I have already told him that will be a problem. That until he cuts her off totally I will never fully try to reconcile because it will never work and I will not put myself back on that roller coaster.
WS moves out 9/11 OWH DD#1 12/11 FR#1 1/12 DD#2 2/12 WS leaves 4/12 WS tries FR#2 6/12 WS/OW move in 7/12 WS leaves OW 9/12 WS back with other OW 12/12 Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13 WS files divorce 8/28/13
I wish I could make him see that contacting her is why he can't let her go and why he can't recommit totally. This woman is bad news. I am not just saying this because she's the other half of my pain but she really is. She is an addict. She has asked MY friends for pain pills. I've heard she sees others besides my husband. Her exhusband told me she cheated before and that was why he filed, he was just done with it all. And the kicker? My husband is getting a lot of money in a settlement. She lost everything. HER friends tell my husband she goes on about how that money will really help HER. That is meant to take care of him for life. He is disabled due to a work injury. He just doesn't get it.
WS moves out 9/11 OWH DD#1 12/11 FR#1 1/12 DD#2 2/12 WS leaves 4/12 WS tries FR#2 6/12 WS/OW move in 7/12 WS leaves OW 9/12 WS back with other OW 12/12 Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13 WS files divorce 8/28/13
How can you make them understand why? I feel like I might as well bang my head on the wall. Everyone, including myself has told him less than 3 percent of affairs make a real relationship. He's been told of her "ways". Not by me. I keep quiet because he seems to think its just jealousy from me... but he's been told. How do you make them see and get the importance. Unknown to him my "date" is Thanksgiving weekend. If we have progressed to nowhere and she is still not being told to go away I will give up and walk away. I was ready to do it before and if he won't let her go then he can't have me. I mean that. I will not be second place or a backup plan in my own marriage...
WS moves out 9/11 OWH DD#1 12/11 FR#1 1/12 DD#2 2/12 WS leaves 4/12 WS tries FR#2 6/12 WS/OW move in 7/12 WS leaves OW 9/12 WS back with other OW 12/12 Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13 WS files divorce 8/28/13
I wish I could make him see that contacting her is why he can't let her go and why he can't recommit totally.
Will he see an IC? Any individual counselor worth their salt will advise him to keep you BOTH at arm's length, while he figures HIMSELF out, so he can be fair to himself and to you and the marriage. Trying to decide what to do about a marriage, while there is a third person in it, is a recipe for disaster and any good IC will tell him that (and you won't have to).
Unknown to him my "date" is Thanksgiving weekend. If we have progressed to nowhere and she is still not being told to go away I will give up and walk away.
KEEP it unknown to him. If you communicate this date, you watch -- he'll carry on for the next 5 weeks, and then promise you the moon and the stars the day before Thanksgiving.
