Good stuff SS, you made me think. My W complains that she feels inadequate and doesn't measure up. I struggled for a long time feeling like I was "doing that to her" and not for the life of me being able to figure out what I was doing or how to make it better. I'm not critical and I don't complain. I have observed that she has attitudes and expectations that she "assigns to me" that I don't believe in and am not even aware of, and she feels she falls short on those.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that a demanding spouse can be a problem, but we can also be our own worst enemy in many ways. They can blame us for not being the person they want, but we can also blame ourselves for not being the person we *think* they want. In the end, who we are is good enough, it has to be.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
all i can say to them is this: accept responsibility for what you know you could have been better at. however, it's not your responsibility to make someone happy. don't let them blame their unhappiness on you.
little by little, like a slow errosion, they chip away at our self esteem, blaming us for not being everything they want, changing that definition whenever it suits them.
know you are good. know you are worthy of love and respect. know you are not to blame for their unhappiness.
Thank you for these words, SS. I needed to hear them. I am so admiring your strength. ((((((((( ))))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
well, my H sent me an email after days of NC. he wants to know what i need in a husband. he apologized for sending an email about something "personal" because i had requested that he no longer contact me about us, only financial things.
he said in this email that he knows he's "a big part of others' pain" and that he knows he done things wrong or not done things when he should have (maybe his D??).
he goes on to say that he will not hold anything against me that i tell him and not use it against me in the future.
he says he's "not hit bottom, yet" but he can see it, that he's lived with me more than anyone else in his life, and that he sees all my changes and thinks they are permanent.
he said he wants to be funny again and free from sadness, free-spirited and looking forward to weekends again.
funny, all this time, i thought he was having such a good time while i was so lonely on the weekends.
i emailed him back: "i don't know what to think of this. my heart and mind and efforts have pretty much gone in another direction now. i need to protect myself from pain. i'm happy and beginning to feel a sense of relief. i don't have all the time i had years ago so i can't afford to make any more mistakes. i look forward to a future where i'm continuing to live a full life of my choosing. i've given away so much and so many years, made so many sacrifices. i just can't take any more conflict. i want happiness, too. i want to be number one for someone or be by myself with family and friends. i won't settle for less anymore. i can't.
i want it to be easier.
please give me some time to think.
thank you."
his reply: "Please take whatever time you need. I wanted to see if I could be what you needed, it`s not all about me."
however, he then ask for some specific things i would love in my "new life". i will not be pinned to specifics. that is how he would get me when i would want to change.
i have a list, already, of what i would want in a future mate, if i decided i wanted one. i'm enjoying life on my own now. i don't have to answer to anyone. i do what i want, when i want, and for as long as i want. i don't have to consider another person's feelings with regard to what i want to do and when. it's pretty nice, really.
life with him was always about him. he's saying now that it's not all about him but he's wanting specifics so i'm not sure he even knows how to have a life that's not all about him.
i'll send him my list. first, i'll make sure it includes "flexibility" in a partner!
we'll see what happens. it appears that he's gotten scared now that he can feel me slipping away.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
i'll wait. i'm in no hurry anymore. i need to give it lots of thought because i see this as an opportunity to let him know what i want and, more importantly, what i NEED, which i haven't gotten in years.
if he thinks he can deal with it, we may have a chance. if not, better to know now instead of years from now after going through this again. as i told him, i can't afford to make more mistakes.
i have big doubts that he would be able to give me an equal partnership in a marriage, though.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
wow SS.... i can't imagine what you are feeling. Happy, confused, a little scared, empowered....whatever it is you are amazing and inspirational.
Of course give yourself time YOU need.
we are here....
((( )))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
face on the first post until you start a new thread.