So it seems like to me that my new 180 actions are causing the wife to be bitter more than normal. Is this common?
Yes, this is completely normal, and there are two reasons for this:
1) There were changes your wife wanted you to make for a long time and you didn't make them, and she suffered as a result. Now it seems that you can make them so easily, it makes her angry that you made her suffer so long. She'll get over that, keep at it.
2) A walkaway spouse has often constructed a scenario in their head where you are the bad one, you pushed them to do whatever they have done, and they are the victim. When you 180 their complaints and don't act the role of the "bad guy" it's harder for them to convince themselves that they are the victim and they don't like that, so they get angry. They want you to play your part! If you keep doing the bad stuff it reinforces their decision to walk and makes them feel better about it.
Another thing to expect is that your wife will run "hot and cold" -- she'll be nice to you one minute and the next will shut down hard. This is extremely confusing. Here's what's going on -- your wife will "try on" being nice to you to see how it feels, or if she gets comfortable may slide back into a familiar partner role. At some point she'll catch herself, will worry that you'll get the impression that everything is now "okay" when for her it is not, and will then make sure to demonstrate to you that everything is NOT okay by shutting you out and pushing you away. That's all an inner dialog so to you it just looks completely confusing. If you expect it, you'll enjoy when she warms up and won't worry too much when she goes cold.
It's tempting to get into a mode of catastrophic thinking -- that each time your wife goes cold you worry it will stay like that forever, or "oh boy, this is it, she's gone!" That leads you to panic and overreact. This is a roller coaster, and there will be very dramatic highs and lows. The best thing you can do is try to stay near an emotional baseline. If the WAS bounces between 10 feet up and 10 feet down, the LBS tends to go 25 feet up and 25 feet down in response. Your goal is to go 5 feet up and 5 feet down instead. Take the long term view. Easy to say, hard to do, but if you know what to expect things get easier.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
One other thing -- you are changing how you act, and you are changing how you behave. People don't like change, and they don't like uncertainty.
Your spouse's reaction to change will almost always be negative just because it's "different". The negative reaction to change often leads us to believe that what we're doing isn't working, so we give up.
The challenge is to stick with your changes and come out the other side of the immediate negative reaction. Once your new behaviors become the norm, everything will be better overall, but you have to muscle through the pain of change. Don't mistake the pain of change for a sign that what you're doing isn't working.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Newman, The wedding was very nice. The message was really hitting home with the sanctity of marriage. I noticed my W was having a hard time sitting still, maybe the message was causing her to think. We did not dance, so that turned out not being an issue. Reading your Sitch and mine I just cant understand how we got to this point. I look around at other marriges and wonder how are they sticking together when they have visible problems. I will admitt I have allowed life to get in between us but how has that knocked us to our knees? Thats a real struggle for me. Why the other spouse will basically shutdown and build this resentment wall. The not dressing in front of you was another knockout blow. We are seeing a IC same person different times. The IC told me last night that the W has noticed my changes. I went out and bought new clothes which she noticed. So I guess the 180 plan does work.
I would have sworn I had posted on your thread, but I don't see it. Maybe b/c the story is so familiar, IDK.
I wanted to respond to you being baffled by your W not undressing in front of you. This is usually not a good sign and that she has another man. A WAW believes she is completely finished with the M, and if she is in an EA/PA (or even wants to be involved with another man), it is like she's being "faithful" to him by not undressing in front of her H. Sick thinking, but I'm just saying........
As already stated, you need to proceed as though there is an EA (if not a PA) going on. She is not going to allow you to see any of their verbal contact. You've confronted her, warned her, and now she will be very careful not to give you any printed evidence.
If the WAW wants to be in an EA, she'll find a way. Instead of putting all the focus on the OM or the A, the LBH needs to become the best man he can possibly be. You'll hear that a lot around here, but it is deep stuff when you consider what all that involves. How many people work at being the best person they can possibly be?
What kind of man would that look like? What would you need to do to get there? Be realistic and set some goals as to what you can do to improve as a man, first of all....then as a H, father, and so on.
MR gets into trouble b/c somebody failed somebody somewhere. We all have faults and have some area of life we have let slide. Being the best does not mean you have to be perfect. It means setting a standard for yourself and striving to live by that standard every day.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Journalling- So things have not changed any. W is still in the house and has not mentioned anything about moving out. But I have not asked either. Really working on detachement and 180 changes. So as much as I want to ask her about R, I have not. Even though it is driving me nuts not knowing. Controlling I know. Really been struggling with the no physical touch and not be able to even kiss her goodnight. It has been 5 months since any sexual contact. With all the exercise and lifting weights that I have been doing it makes it harder to not be able to share this with the W. Does this get worse over time or do you lose these sexual feelings over time?
I have been doing better with my 180's still need to work on many. The one thing that worries me is that Detacement and pulling back, will this give her the idea that I do not care about her or that I have given up on her? Maybe this is what she wants but I wander if this makes it easier to make the moving out idea easier. I know I need to quit worring about this. It will not nor can I change her mind if this is what she is going to do.
You took the questions out of my mind. I myself missed my W touch and affection.
In your sitch, IMO, it's good that's she's not mentioning the "moving out' part. Perhaps your 180s are confusing her which is a good sign that she's noticing your changes. So keep doing your 180s. I would tell you be patient but I for one is also trying to learn the action associated with that.
In my sitch we sleep separately and so the sexual tension somewhat diminish. Anyway, this is the call for the vets I'm also watching your thread regarding this. Keep posting...
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
It is ironic but giving space does not harm your relationship at this point. Even if your W previously claimed that you neglected her, she doesn't want your attention now, so to force it on her does you more harm than good. She wants space, give it to her, you're being the best husband you can be by giving her the space she wants. You told her you wanted to reconcile, if she wasn't deaf she heard you.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
So question of the day that is on my mind is what should your response be when your spouse tells you ILYBINILWY comment? Have not been told this but W actions are speaking this.
So it seems like to me that my new 180 actions are causing the wife to be bitter more than normal. Is this common?
Yes, this is completely normal, and there are two reasons for this:
Love that post!!
Originally Posted By: Desperate man
So question of the day that is on my mind is what should your response be when your spouse tells you ILYBINILWY comment? Have not been told this but W actions are speaking this.
It should be the same as anything else she tells you. Validate her emotions, tell her things like "I understand why you feel that way." Don't argue, justify, explain, reason, etc. Just go with what she says even if you don't agree with it. Validating is not about agreeing or disagreeing, it's about confirming you understand and sympathize with her emotions. Let her do 80% of the talking and you be a great listener. Make eye contact, don't allow distractions, don't interrupt her. This will allow her to feel more comfortable opening up to you. It'll also diffuse any potential arguments.
Journalling, So nothing has really changed at all with W. Has not left, still wearing wedding ring, sleeping in the same bed. No emotional connection. Small talk has slightly improved but still business talk. Have not asked any R questions or any deeper SITCH questions. Been exercising with has really helped. Been doing more GAL activities as well. The one mistake I did do this past week was more snooping. W left a journal book out on the bed which I opened and read. Wish I did not but it was to late by then. Read back several years which all she had was praise about her life and being married to me. Then it all changed with blank pages and started writing again in March about how she felt like she was drowning and not getting anything completed. Then more blank pages up intill last week. Her tune has changed drastically. Said her last 17 years has been her career. I put pressure on her shoulders. He wants more from me than I can give. He wants me to be his wife. I want to be one of my dearest friends?? What does that mean?? He wants to take care of me and I want to prove myself capable of taking care of myself. I want freedom and independence. So I was doing pretty well untill reading this. Which caused the emotional rollercoaster to plummet. Not much sleep that night. Why did I have to open that book. Now I wake up and see those pages which starts the brain spinning all over again. These comments are a complete 180 from what she has said for our 17 years of marriage. Does this sound like a MLC? It does to me which not sure why I need to label this. Anger and hopelessness are the emotions that I am fighting with. Anger that I have really treated her like a queen, maybe to well. Given her everything that she has ever asked for within reason of course.Dont get me wrong, I know I have negleted her and our marriage the last couple of years. All this effort and Love that I have poured out and now it is all falling apart!! Hopeless in reading this that she has already made the decesion to leave, I think. How can the switch be turned off which seems like overnight? But turning the switch back on may never happen or take who knows how long.
