Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers is this the end....trying not to give up

Actually i think the whole 21st thing is cos DD was born on the 21st of the month, so maybe that date is a trigger for him.

I'm flattered that you asked lto take a look at your thread, but I was almost a WAW, and I don't know that I am one to give you the support you need. If your H is this awful person you' ve described, I could not tolerate him for a minute. However , that's me......not you.

I will tell you my personal beliefs about a few things you've said. You cannot make him want to be a dad to your little girl. I know it hurts and that you want her to have him in her life, but you can't force him to be a parent! Even if the law made him visit her , nobody can make him love her, and one day she would know that
he had no feelings for her. It would be better for him to see her without you tring to pressure him.

Neither can you make him love you! I don't know if he ever did or not and I don 't know what all the break-ups were over before the M. But if he doesn't love any longer, would you want him to stay with you? Don't you deserve to be with a man who wants you for his W?

I hope you will not have unprotected sex him any more unless he is tested and given a clean bill of health....and shows it to you!

You've told us your complaints about him. What were his complaints about you, other than you were so sick carrying his child? (btw, my mother was told the same thing about her pregnancy......even by the doctor!)

@Sandi2: Thanks for dropping by my thread. I asked him several times what he thot i needed to work on. His usual answer was 'don't worry'. The only complaint i was able to pick up was that I usually bugged him, even when he wasn't doing anything! (i used to complain that he wasn't affectionate). Also he would tell me that i was far from the wife he thot i would be (i could never get him to expand that)

I don't know how to feel today. H tried to call me a couple of times this week, and he sent me a couple of emails asking for the childminder's address. I didn't reply becos he has been there several times (although not in the last three months). When I dropped DD off today, the childminder told me that H had called her and told her he would be coming around 12noon to see DD. He never showed up! this is not the first time he has said he was coming and didn't show. The minder is really upset, but I'm detached enough not to care. I will never tell my child that he is coming to see her, if he shows up, it can be a surprise to her. Better than being disappointed.

Also, today is the day he usually sends the child support. He didn't send anything last month, as he said he was out of work. Even tho he told the childminder that it is becos of work that he doesn't come to see DD, he still didn't send anything. The arrangement is a verbal one between us, but I think it is time to refer the case to the child support agency. What do you think?

thot i'd journal a bit....

Haven't been on the BB for the last 3 weeks. Wish i can say i've been busy but i've just been drifting along, sinking further into debt and depression.

Anyway, here's what I've been up to:

On the H front: As i said in my last post, H tried to call me a few times in late May. He also made an appointment with the childminder to see DD, but didn't turn up. he tried to call me a few times on 25th may, then sent me a text saying "respond quickly, need to talk". i never picked up or replied. I think i'm at the 'after the last resort stage'. I am not prepared to communicate with him while he is not being a father to DD (physically or financially). his last communication 3 weeks ago was a voicemail he sent by accident. his phone called me (probably accidental redial) when he was telling a friend how he went to a bar the night before and snogged a girl and tried to pick up another one. he realised he called me and cut it quickly. haven't heard from him since. it's a pity that at the age of 33, his focus is picking up girls. if he is still with ow, he's not being faithful to her either.

I contacted our old landlord cos i needed to post something to H (a phone he gave me), so i wanted to confirm if he was still living there. The landlord told me he'd moved out 2 months ago. So i have no idea where H lives now. i do miss him, but i miss the person i thot he was, not who he is now.

On the GAL front: I took DD to see a farm two weeks ago, a couple of my friends (including my estranged best friend) also brought their kids that was fun.

My other estranged best friend took me out for a belated bday celebration (my bday was quiet and a bit depressing. it was a friday and i took the day off and stayed home). My belated bday with my friend was nice, tho i haven't heard from her since or called her.

So i've seen my two estranged friends recently but things are still a bit weird with them.

Haven't been out since (except for work). Don't really have anyone to go with. One of my friends' has two kids, so is always busy (she doesn't like going out anyway), and the other one lives outside london.

I keep telling myself i'll go out by myself to make new friends, but i'm not very motivated. I need to update my wardrobe. Also my mum is coming to visit for 6 weeks in late July, so i'll be able to go out then. She is taking DD back with her for a year to give me some time to regroup (haven't told H, not sure how he'd react). i feel depressed about sending DD out of the country, but i am basically borrowing to pay for childcare and food, as my salary only covers the bills and debt payments.

i feel so depressed today, hence my moany post. the future seems really dark, and i don't see any way out...

Have you done anything to legally protect yourself and D? I would highly recommend it.

Haven't done anything legal (would make it all too real). We don't really have any joint financial stuff. Just DD. it has occured to me that he could rack up credit that i would have to pay for. his credit rating is non-existent so i'm not sure he can get credit anyway.

Haven't heard from him for about a month now. I'm slightly worried (i hope he's ok). Tho i've taken it to mean that he's busy having fun and moving on. good for him...

Ok I just re-read your thread and the first thing that jumps out at me is Post Partom Depression.

This is what concerns me about YOU.

You need to take care of yourself and look into the possibility that you might slip into your own depression.

In order to be the best MOM that you can be you must take care of yourself first.

Next in line will be the baby.

This time of life you are extremely vulnerable to this happening.

As far as your husband goes, you need to make sure he is helping you financially if possible with the baby.
Other than that I would mirror his no contact and let him go.
This is your only chance to get him back by letting go.

What other things are you looking to fo for YOU?

This needs to be tied into the above.
Take your baby out for a walk.
See if there are any church groups or centers that have mommy and me things to do.
Check with Library, hospital, local government agencies.
GAL does not have to cost money.

What do you like to do?

Is there something like meetup.com where you are? I went to a few mommy/baby groups a few years back- seems like a free way to meet up with new people and bring baby along.

@cadet:

Nice to hear from you. With regard to child support, I would have contacted the child support agency, but because she is going to my mum's for some time, I decided to wait until next year when she gets back. Hopefully while she is away, I will catch up on some of the expenses debt i am accruing now.

You are right, I have been really depressed for a while. As such i have had the 'can't think of anything i'd like to do or anyone i'd like to do it with' mentality for a while now. I am trying to get myself interested in doing things.

Things in my life right now:
- Looking forward to my mum visiting for 6 weeks from the end of July
- Started the Dukan diet
- Just got the braces i've wanted forever.
- Getting into cooking as a hobby (as part of my diet - a big 180 cos i always hated cooking)
- Trying to keep the house spotless ( a battle i'm currently losing)
- Cooking for DD (trying to fatten her up)
-Work
- Trying to study for an exam i've got in september (not going well..)

@Lio and Cadet:
- i am a member of almost 50 meetup groups but never feel like going. I went to the mom/baby groups once. They are usually in the mornings when i'm at work.
- Walking the baby: Did it once, felt exhausted. Tho i have taken her to the park a few times to play. She is so social.. we dance a lot at home.
- I go to church every couple of weeks (on the Sundays i'm not working). I will look into getting involved in church activities.
- Seems there is a library near my house that is open on Saturdays. will try to go there next weekend (working this weekend)
-I work in a hospital during the week, so it's not likely to be a GAL thing. Too much like work.

I really appreciate your input, guys. I feel i can be honest about my feelings on this BB, and that feels good. I am hoping to go to a picnic meetup thing tomorrow. Hopefully, i wont find an excuse not to go...