Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives X demands full custody because I'm now engaged

Fiance and I ran into X and my kids in the grocery store this evening (we live in city but it must be the smallest one in the world). DS has been at X's this past week and was getting supplies for a project that is due tomorrow. So much for, "they need to live with me because DS is going to a new school and will be able to keep up with his assignments better if he lives with one parent." DS and X has known about this assignment for over a week but he is obviously completing it the night before it is due.

DS found me later in the store and asked if he could stay with X to complete a computer assignment as she has a printer. I said "no" and pointed out I have one in a box and fiance has one at her home. I think X put him up to it as X phoned later but luckily my ringer was off and I didn't hear it.

Sleeper,
My situation isn't like yours, but I do notice that X is wanting more time w/D. Makes me wonder if some values have changed now. Things not so great w/OP--sooooo....focus on the kids and spend time w/kids.

I don't think this has anything to do with OP or (unfortunately) any personal progress on their part.

Kids have grown by leaps and bounds, DD has grown about a foot in the past year and almost looks me in the eye. I mentioned this to X a few months ago and added that in a few short years she will be gone to college. X replied, "Yes, I know and I'm struggling with that."

My conclusion is that in perfect selfish form, X wants all the remaining time before our children leave the nest to herself. There is also a bit of jealousy or justification as she has mentioned more than once that my fiance has her children from her previous marriage all but two weekends out of the month and therefore she should too.

It is ironic that the week we separated, almost 6 years ago, she could not wait for me to take the kids so she could spend time with OM. We separated on a Tuesday and she called me Thursday asking if I could take the kids for "a few days". This was despite the fact I was in an apartment with virtually no furniture, sleeping on a matress on the floor and there was no furniture in the children's room whatsoever.

My how things have changed.

I think, Sleeper, you are on to something. I think you are likely right that she does want the time to herself. For what reason though? Make up for lost time? To show she is better? To relive her own childhood? To assuage her guilt? To fill in the time when OM is not going so well? I haven't a clue. Could also just be she is reacting to her mothering instincts and is trying to reconnect with the kids she walked away from.

I often think those same of my ex. Then she pulls a stunt (currently not treating my son very well for no apparent reason. I don't pay much attention to her, so really couldn't say what her issue is. She did recently get remarried to OM so maybe distracted?). But mine tries to pull the kids as well. Like you, I won't have it. Money etc make no difference to me compared to my kids and their well being.

Yes, my oh my how things have changed. Try to remember that as you deal with the situation. And be sure to check with lawyers regarding her ability to fight for full custody. Find out what it would take in your state. Most states don't allow that any longer, but it's a good idea to know what the possibilities are.

Oh, and let the rest go. It's annoying and will affect your judgement if you let it. It's a distraction to annotate in your log so you can present factual evidence later if needed.

AJ

Sleeper, the girls mom dumped the girls on her mom several times this summer to go off with Uncle Fester. She's dragged them over to Uncle Fester's family for weekends.

The 10-year-old doesn't always realize what is going on. The 13-year-old does ... and she wasn't happy about it.

It'll be interesting to see how my situation and yours plays out.

So, after Sunday night's inciden, X texted Tuesday AM that the kids had a therapy appointment at 5:00 and could she take them. This is the 2nd therapy appointment she has failed to inform me of but she tripped herself up and I called her on it. I think she doesn't want me around the counseling because she wants to manufacture an issue (i.e. evidence I'm neglectful for not participating or orchestrate a reason for her to have custody/influence the kids). I declined letting her take the kids and informed her I would take them.

All Hades broke loose. She called and began litany of "reasons" why she should have full custody which swirled from children's education to not wanting our children living with fiance's children to bits of pieces of obscure things from our past that I couldn't really connect to anything rational at all. She finally hung up on me. Then she texted I would be served soon, etc, etc. I calmly texted, "You have no grounds for full custody, there are plenty of lawyers that will be happy to take your money but you will accomplish nothing."

She showed at counseling session. I didn't participate but met counselor. She requested several times that she and I leave to talk more, go for coffee. Although she was calm I politely declined, explaining that I was tired of it. I have session today (alone) with the same counselor that I made for myself.

She texted first thing this AM requesting once again we get together and "talk". I declined again. She has now texted she wants into my house to get things she left there when she sold it to me 2 years ago (no written agreement about that). I told her yesterday to send me a list of what she wants.

I don't think we have much to "talk" about and I don't feel comfortable letting someone who says she is sueing me into my home.

It's as if she realizes she no longer has any control over me at all and is grasping at anything that might allow her influence in my actions.

Thoughts anyone?

Bingo! We have a winner!

"It's as if she realizes she no longer has any control over me at all and is grasping at anything that might allow her influence in my actions."

Exactly! Good for you for sticking to your guns. Do you ever talk with your XW's H? Did he have children of his own?

Well, sometimes taking all the lawyers, counselors and other paid professionals out of it and just sitting down to "Talk" can actually be good. Not that I'm recommending it here but it could save you both a lot of time and expense.

It is hard to "talk" to an irrational person with an agenda. I'm all too familiar with it. But you might agree to "listen". And take it under advisement. At least you'd know what you're up against.

I think it was wise to go to the counselor and to make appt with same. They are your children too.

Barb

Or sometimes, it's better to get them to put everything they have to say into an email. That way you have a written record of the craziness if need be.