Wow....sounds like the typical mood swings of an MLCer.
It's hard to keep yourself upbeat when around such moods like that. I for one am very suscepitble to others moods. This sounds like my XH moods. He always knows best. If you remotely even try to give your opinion that is not like theirs, then they become offended and you're calling them stupid.
Just how can you penetrate that? Is it even possible?
Not in my opinion.
Pay attention to how his moods affect you. I know for me my depression and co dependence revolved all around walking on the eggshells XH made a minefield of.
Dear Kimmerz Yes his moods do affect me but I try to act as if I am okay. I try to speak in a positive way but it's taking its toll. He's getting to be a real pain. He changed my password on the computer today and wasn't going to tell me. It was because I gave my password to my adult son to do something. H had a major problem with the computer probably due to the younger son and that's why he doesn't want them on it. Boy I was mad. I had to promise not to give my password again. I told him not to treat me like a child. I have to do more GAling. That's what is on my mind. Be around people who seem to be glad to see me. I am working now and I go to excercise but I gotta do more.
Ok, Im going to be honest here. I don't care how much GALing you get. That's not going to stop your husband's power and control issues he has.
For me, and this is my personal confession, that the more I acted as if everything was ok with his mood swings and him treating me badly, the more I was putting myself into denial of how bad things were with him.
How he treated you was disrespectful and very incosiderate.
However in the light of GALing I would suggest you get your own computer and not have ANYONE touch it.
Well, some of the things going on for H (job sitch, etc) can help explain why he's acting that way, but it doesn't excuse it, AT ALL.
Boundaries and respect.
One technique I read about and use(d) with W (and the kids, and co-workers, btw) is a "nice" way of letting them know that they are hitting boundaries, something like this:
1. W, what/how your are saying "sounds like" it could be insulting (yelling, blaming, etc) me. (Gives them a chance to change without being wrong, since it "sounds like"...)
If they continue:
2. W, you still "sound like" you are insulting me. Please stop.
If they continue:
3. W, the way you are talking to me is insulting, I have asked you to stop, if you continue, I am going to leave the room until we can discuss this without being insulting.
If they continue:
4. Leave the room. "I am going for a walk, I'd like to continue discussing this after we have had a break" sorta thing. And then GO for the walk, even if just around the block
I found that this has to be done with NO EMOTION to work most effectively (this can be tough, I remember). This probably is especially important when relating to your H, I would bet that emotional-ness can close his ears and brain down into defensive mode, and won't be "hearing" you.
You have to establish, and then enforce your boundaries, while giving them a chance to change their behavior without being "wrong". Enforce politely, non-emotionally, but firmly...and always follow through.
It did change the dynamics, W started to be more respectful...but it did take a few blow-ups and me staying consistent for her to believe me (and oh, do they like to test...maybe its a sub-conscious urge, but they do...). So be prepared....
Hope this helps a bit.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Hi to all Yes I am working on my responses. My husband has been picking at me for something everyday sometimes more than once. Sometimes it's for absolutely insignificant things. So one of my responses was, when my h was being ridiculous, "I have already answered your question" then I clammed up and gave him an angry look then let it drop. He shut up. Same thing today got mad about his laundry and these ratty shorts that got a few shades lighter because according to him I put my dark shorts in with em. I said something like How do my dark shorts make your darks shorts lighter? He said something else and I stopped talking, turned away and he dropped it.
These behaviors are what had me unhappy before the affair and why I got so upset that I said something about divorce in the past. I felt very disrespected and unloved. So now he see's the OW at work and he is cold as far as affection and no sex for over two weeks now. He says he is lakadasical. I am not caring as much any more. I am seeing a short based therapist who I like. H will not see him.
Here's one for ya, my pastor said we should pray together. My h doesn't want to and won't say why. Then he tells me about a guy he met at some convention who was a great christian who he heard was sick but didn't know the details. I said well maybe you should ask a mutual friend if he needs your prayers and my H said "yes, he wouldn't even have to ask, of course I would pray for him" I said "then why don't we pray for our marriage?" No reply. I asked him if he prayed for us and he said well...yeah. Right. How does this compute when H says he wants to work on the marriage and won't go to therapy, pray, be affectionate or kind? We still talk at night but he always has a complaint. My kids thought he could be a better dad but they just accept that he is that way. They tell me they won't be like that to their kids.
Thanks mr bond It has occurred to me that my husband may be seeing the OW again. Why? because this is the stuff that went on when he was seeing her before. Escalating anger and annoyance, not wanting intimacy and today he is sailing with friends and left 3 1/3 hours early to "hose off the spiders from the boat". I am locked out of our phone account and I saw a printout on our desk that he has a new google email account. Like I said, I am not caring as much as I did. I ain't falling apart at the seams like before.
25 yrs told me to see a lawyer just for information. Guess I should be prepared in case he has plans to ditch me.
Yes, you need to consult w/a lawyer, just so that you have your ducks in a row. I'm very sorry he's back at the "picking" stage.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yeah, that all sounds bad. I agree with seeing a lawyer just to know where you'll stand. It helps to start getting your financial ducks in a row. Depending on your financial situation, you may want to make sure you squirrel away a little emergency cash, get your teeth fixed, buy a new comnputer if you need one etc.
