W came by last night to pick up D2. She stayed for a while and we chatted a bit about practical matters. Things went fine other than when our M came up. She said it made her feel inadequate that she tried for so long to get my attention and get me to work on our M, and I never took her serious until she wanted a D.
She said it made her question if she's honoring her vows. She said that because I wasn't honoring mine by cherishing and loving her the way she needed and neglecting the family unit, she could no longer honor hers. I know this is a way for her to erase the guilt that she feels and place the blame on me. I told her there is a reason she won't talk to a pastor or anyone else about it, that she is breaking her vows, that we should forgive a million times over if we have to in order to preserve our M.
I didn't want to get into a conversation about our M, or defend myself. However, there I was, trying to explain that I am aware that I've failed at many things in our M and I wanted the chance to correct my behavior. Of course it fell on deaf ears.
We are still planning on getting together today to go shopping. I am angry that she's trying to say that I walked away first by disconnecting from her. I did, I can't take any of that back. She said I'd be asking her to forget all of that time that she tried and try again, and she doesn't have the desire to try any longer. I said neither of us will ever forget it, I'm asking you to forgive me for it. She asked why is she always the one who has to forgive? I left that one alone.
It's hard, because she has obviously put some thought into the sanctity of M and our vows. I know she wants out, that's clear. I mentioned somewhere at the beginning of this post that a conflict would be coming within her as a Christian. I can see that she's going through that. I'm hurt and disappointed that she won't turn to our pastor or an elder to discuss this conflict. I know that she would be afraid to hear what they say would be contrary to what she has justified in her mind.
I am ever so convinced the D will run it's course and she will feel free. She also broke down and told me that she absolutely adored me for so long. It hurts unbelievably to know that if I had acted less selfishly and put the needs of my W and family before my own, I probably wouldn't be here. It [censored] to want to make those changes sincerely and have the person who loved you unconditionally for so long not have the love left to see if change will happen.
next time skip the blamejustification game she is playing.
You know what you had issues with. The rest is just to pad the reasoning why she is right and you are wrong.
Own your own issues and work on them.
And just put this conversation away. As it is to counter your victory in reclaiming being a father in your childrens lives.
You will catch on to this ebb and flow from her and in the future you will be able to lead the conversation away from that.
Working too much to get ahead is no justification for her actions.
It is just an excuse.
I have faith in you that you are on the right path. Skip the R talks in the future until you are at a point where you know it does not matter one way or another if she is your wife.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
She said it made her question if she's honoring her vows. She said that because I wasn't honoring mine by cherishing and loving her the way she needed and neglecting the family unit, she could no longer honor hers.
Wow, I gotta say, that's a new one on me! I've seen (I thought) every kind of blameshifting here on this forum, for years, but this is probably the most blatant, direct example I've ever heard from a wayward.
Well, today was interesting. W came by to drop off D's. We chatted for a minute about nothing. I invited her to stay for dinner, and was shocked she accepted. The only awkward moment was when i asked how she was doing. I wasn't really thinking, just trying to make conversation. She broke eye contact with me and stared at the floor. I knew something was wrong and asked if i said something wrong. She said "I don't want to talk about how I'm doing with you."
Dumb move on my part, but I honestly didn't really want to know how she was doing. It's just kind of a generic conversation starter for me, and I just didn't really think about who I was talking to. Oh well, I left it alone and we got over it.
She ended up staying and playing with the girls with me until it was time for D8 to go to bed and get ready for the first day of school tomorrow.
It was nice to be near her and even share some laughs. She looked absolutely phenomenal!!!! She was always sexy as hell to me, but today she just looked stunning! (in jeans and tank top no less). I had to resist the urge all evening to grab her and hold her tight. I know she would not have wanted it. Man, I sure did
i'm just adding my two cents here- saying i know what you're feeling. have a h in the mlc boat- it's awful- when i'm alone i feel it most. he's convinced he's on the road to happiness without me- we're still in each other's lives- i have no idea wherre we're going - probably no where.
i just wantd to say there are alot of us out here- doing what you're doing- trying - wondering if it's worthwhile. what makes me stick with it- despite the odds i think- is that if not this, WHAT would i be doing??? nothign constructive probably - it's something to do, to try - while i try and regain my "feet" in life- my life maybe, my self, my inspiration about going on alone (possibly) etc.
you can always give up tomorrow- i just try and get thru one day and then one nite (and hopefully sleep_ ). it's gotten easier over last year- it's by no means good with me- or fixed or totally done or whatever. my mlc h is making me nuts - i keep reminding myself it's my choice to try this- to try something. it'll get better. i'm not great- but waaay better than a year ago- so that's something rite?
anyway- sorry you're out there- you've got alot of people here in your boat too- it's a great place to come when you have no idea where to go or who to tell. tell us.
I am new to DB forum and have been following your story very closely as it is similar to mine is so many ways. Its sounds like you have been making some progress in youself but i really feel your pain on some of the set backs.
I noticed you havent posted for a while....it would be great to hear how you are doing. I hope you are surviving! All the best.
sergio
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
