Yes I have been playing the stalker and checking on everything.
Read Michele's books. One of her suggestions is DO NOT spy on your spouse. If your spouse finds out what you're doing it will just push her farther away. Plus, as the others have said DB'ing is about changing YOU, not her. There is no info you can gain from spying that will improve you or your situation, so don't do it.
Originally Posted By: Desperate man
I do not believe there is anything physical that has gone on but emotional affair is a high concern.
An emotional affair (EA) is just as damaging as a physical one (PA). Again, this doesn't affect your DB'ing approach. The bottom line is you and your wife have grown apart, her response to that was to seek emotional fulfillment elsewhere. Read Michele's books, also read "The Five Love Languages", it will also teach you a lot about what was missing from your marriage.
Be humble, do some soul-searching and determine how you contributed to your marriage getting to this point. Don't blame your wife or yourself, focus on solutions. Change yourself. Stick with the changes. And wait. Your wife will notice, but initially won't believe the changes are real or permanent. She'll think you're just doing it to get her back. Patience is critical. As was mentioned above, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Accept that a separation may be inevitable, your wife may need the space to sort through her thoughts (that's what I'm going through as well). Above all else, never give up hope! There's always hope
Thank you to all of you. Its great to have this support. Yes I have been playing the stalker and checking on everything. I have recently tried to stop doing this because assumptions make my emotions fly all over the place. I do have my concerns and have confronted her about one male. This was at the beginning of all this. She denined it and since then she has been upfront about there contact. There were some text's that I had found that I felt were over the top for this type of relationship. She apolized and told me then that she would keep all contact with him strickly business. I will say that I am still watching this very closely and I have noticed that she has erased messages from her phone when I know that they have been talking. She is helping this man with computer/billing work. I do not believe there is anything physical that has gone on but emotional affair is a high concern. Yes I am starting to exercise and do things for myself.
Then I would simply go forward assuming that your wife is having an emotional affair with this man, and proceed accordingly.
Would that (an EA or a PA) be a dealbreaker for you?
The other scenerio is that she has entered into a mid-life crises, like my wife has. "I want to be independent and find out who I am" was something I heard that sounds similar to what your W told you.
No other man in my wife's life, (yet) but she's convinced she doesn't want me. She's moved out of our bed, and yes, makes sure I no longer even see her change. Oh, started doing plenty of exercise too. Lost 20 pounds in 3 months. Looks hot, but not for me.
This is how it begins...helping and then "helpful" discussions on other topics.
Whether you know it or not you are being blamed for what she feels (or fails to feel) in the marriage. It may have something to do with what you do and how you "be" or, it may not. In either case, it provides the justification she needs or feels she needs to pursue something different.
She (and you) are responding to a feeling and acting as if the feeling is THEE TRUTH, not realizing that in a moment you'll have another feeling and then another, and then another, until you don't.And if there is someone else involved, the grass will almost always look greener on the other side...it is difficult if not downright impossible to compete with "the other."
As for your kids if you go your separate ways (even for a short while), if it isn't about them, then don't put them in the middle. That is about the worst possible thing you could do.
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
No I do not believe she has had a PA. But I guess I do not know either. This is not the woman that I married 17 years ago. Everything we stood for or enjoyed seems to be repulsive. It just doesn't make since. Captain yes I have heard those same statements. No one is going to control me, I want to be independent, I dont want any expectations. Whatever what about our needs? I also think this is a mid life crisis but does that mean it will be over quicker or longer? It's like your stuck in a bubble and can't touch the most beautiful woman in the world. This is terrible.
She's only the most beautiful woman in the world because she's out of reach right now and yanked the rug on you abruptly. Your brain is putting her on a pedestal because she represents salvation from the pain you are feeling.
There is no "quicker", there is only "longer" when you get where you are. It requires a long term view. As long as you pursue her as the object of your desire you can't have her. You only get her back when you're really no longer trying, and that makes this very hard.
That's not to say "give up" -- the prescription in DR is very clear:
-- 180 her complaints -- Get a life (GAL) -- Act as if everything is good
Do that every day for the next 1-2 years. Either you'll reconcile or you won't, but in either case you'll be a better person capable of better relationships going forward.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Accuray- thanks for you reply. 1-2 years wow that is a long time. I guess I was dreaming when I was hoping for 6 months!! But when you love someone this much, I will do the time. The detacement is very hard right now. But I will say I am enjoying exercising again. Right now its the only thing I look forward to during the day. In fact I am entering in to a obstacle type race on Sunday which should be alot of fun. This is the start of my 180 plan. I also went clothes shopping last weekend which is new for me. The W did notice the new clothes but did not say that I looked good or if she liked. But it felt good to buy some new digs. I have noticed since starting the 180 and detaching that she has been more attentive and talking to me more. Nothing serious just "How has your day gone" or children topics. She also went to a BBQ with me last weekend which surprised me that she went. You would think that if she is really was moving out and is done with me, that she would not have gone with me. I told her that I appreciated her going, I hope that wasnt breaking the 180 plan by showing emotion? She also is applying for a new job today and on Sunday she did ask me how she should fill out her W4 on taxes. Which again I thought was strange if she is walking away. Are these baby steps in the right direction? Or am I being to hopeful for anything postive? I really believe that she does not want to leave but she has shut all emotions and logical thoughts off. "One Day at a Time" is what I keep telling myself.
So it seems like to me that my new 180 actions are causing the wife to be bitter more than normal. Is this common? I came home from running last night and was excited about my mile time. I shared the excitement with the W but she did not even say a word. So I just turned around and walked off. I so wanted to say something but didn't. The range of emotions are very hard to control at times. Has anyone else had similiar experiences? Tomorrow night we are going to a wedding, which will be interesting to see how she acts. Do I ask her to dance? What about if she is dancing with a group should try to blend into the dance or not. This could possible be against the 180 list of rules. Any suggestions??
I read your sitch. Yes I see a lot of similarities with our WAW's. We also went to a family wedding a month ago. I also didn't know if I should ask W but I know she like to dance so I did asked her to dance. I took her hand gently and asked her if she'd like to dance and she didn't refuse so we did. The whole time I pretended I was dancing with a friend. No R talk no pressure right? We felt at ease and we enjoyed dancing. But after the party everything is back to the way it was--pretty sad but what can you do. I just move on.
So how did it go? Did you guys end up dancing? Don't worry about her being bitter about your 180 right now. I'm going through the same with my W on some of my 180s. Although she's not bitter about it, she just seem like she doesn't care. Heck I even participated in a charity event 4 months ago and she didn't even express anything.
Keep posting it will help your sanity.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
