Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers After 18 months - H is finally filing.

Yes, yes.
Thanks Ad.

I see how my old baggage came into play, which means there is a lack of forgiveness on my part. Something to keep working on for me.

I also really like the advice - assuming everyone likes me. I will need to practice that one, though, since I often assume H is judging me (part of my co-dependet nature).

Thanks for keeping me honest about this.

I have been thinking that I have to mentally prepare better and be ready and in a peaceful mindset before every exchange I have with H to make it short and sweet. That is my most immediate goal on that front.

Thanks again.

KG, truth is, I have no idea how I would "react" in the moment. That's why most comm with my W is still by email only.

eg. Only two days ago, my W asked me a question about D10's b-day money from my parents. It is good that the question was by email, because my initial reaction was, "how dare she ask". The reality was, the trigger was not WHAT she asked... it was how it "sounded" to me.

I still have yet to have that moment of STFU when my W asks me a question in person, that sets off my triggers.

The trigger is the same as what it sounds yours is. And that, like me, you may have trouble "thinking on your feet", so coming up with that good response... well...

Honestly... I don't have any real good feedback for you. Adinva gave great advice. If that moment ever happens again... try to say nothing... or even say something obviously off centre to throw humour into it... or simply say, "Sorry, I do not understand the question."

*shrug*

Actually, I CAN say that I have used the above in "trigger moments" both at work and personally over the last three months and it has worked very well in those moments to give me a chance to detach from the "assertion" and get clarity and formulate a response...

Which is often, "That's a good question. I'll need to think about it. Thanks for bringing it up"... or something like that.

KG

you are getting good advice. I admit, I probably would have felt similarly in your sitch at that moment.

I do wish he could see his "fix HER" mode of talking to you, b/c it implies that you did something wrong. I'd have resented it under the cirsumstances.

On the other hand

remember when it comes to the kids, the main point must always be that-

YOU BOTH want the rash to go away, b/c

You BOTH want the best for the kids.

As long as you keep that in mind, it'll help. Acknowledge it.

And As guilty as you feel for the past,

my mind read on him, is that HE has his own baggage about leaving his kids.

So defensiveness on HIS end makes sense to me. Perhaps He assumes you are attacking him, or planning to, or seething, or nursing wounds HE caused, and he reacts.

So go back to the basic premise of

"We both want what's best for our kids, (given the givens)"...and don't forget that.

And when you slip up, forgive yourself. But hey, same goes for him. He will screw up. His "online research" was an effort to fix the problem, to "solve" it and a lot of men do that. In some, it's a wonderful trait; in others it's infuriating.

But it's not meant to insult, I don't believe. B/C again, we'll go back to our main point okay? HE and YOU want what's best for the kids.

As for other r's in your life, follow Adinva's advice, which I really like, about assuming the best of others' views of us.

Maybe you can use what I use when I perform sometimes.

Before I go out on stage, I tell myself the audience WANTS to like me and or,

that "No one paid to see a show they want to hate"...and now I realize it is the same for most of our world.

If you get hired somewhere, they want you to solve their problem and fill their need. They WANT you to succeed.

Maybe you can work on assuming that your h wants the same for you, at least vis a vis the kids.

Don't forget to apply that forgiveness work, to yourself too. I am happy to hear about your talk with your MIL. Not tactically speaking, but it's nice for her to hear and believe you are different now. It's a start...


((( )))

Hey k-g, thanks for talking about this and I love Ad's response. I have the same "How dare you" response a lot. It's getting better but it hits me deep down, that somehow I'm lacking.

I also like the suggestion to act like everyone likes you. I have actually started taking on that attitude in the past severral months and it does help.

Shoot - My H just got fired...

I was just trying to get caught up reading here when he called...

I have not been on the boards for over a week. Had two very busy and fun weeks with vacation and relatives visiting from my home country. Everyone finally left yesterday, girls are back at school and I was trying to get back to the daily routine.

Then I got the call just 20 minutes ago. H got laid off (we knew this could happen, but he sounds completely shell-shocked.)

He started sobbing, saying how he has no $ (yes, our financial sitch is dire to say the least), and he has three kids to support.

I listened, validated and re-assured him that things will be ok. I told him he is an intelligent, strong, capable man and that he has survived and thrived thru things like this in the past and this time will be no different. I told him to not get overwhelmed and take it one step at a time.

He calmed down and agreed with me.

I then asked if there was anything I could do to help today. He thanked me and said no. We said goodbye.

I don't know if this was good Dbing or not. It just felt like the right thing to to - to my H or any other human being...

My boy just woke up from his nap. I will come back this evening.

I feel like crying myself...

Sorry, KG, awful news. You handled it beautifully.

Kg I think you handled it beautifully as well. You offered support, you reminded him that he strong and capable....

lets see what tomorrow brings. but i think we did just great.

I hope you are well otherwise. I am glad to read that you had a good past two weeks with holiday and visiting relatives.

My kids are also back school now and it does take sometime to get back into the routine! LOL (ugh the early mornings!)


Take care of YOU and please let us know what happens.

((((((( KG)))))))

It was perfect DB'ing! Sounds like a big 180 for you as well, based on your earlier posts it sounds like you and your H normally get in a button-pushing contest at the end of which you both lose and no one wins. In the future when he tries pushing your buttons just remember how you reacted to this- with poise, maturity and love. This is a 180 you should stick with

Thanks guys for the support. The encouragement means so much always...


I am having a tough time with all of this...

In the last few months I have found myself slowly starting to detach from my H. It's been months since I have initiated any contact for any other reason than related to our kids.
Our exchanges are brief and I don't ask about his life or activities. He seldom asks about mine.

A few weeks ago I de-friended my H and blocked OW from FB when they started exchanging love notes openly on his wall. When H found out he said he was confused as to why and was hurt. I simply told him that it was a decision I made more for me than for him and I was sorry he couldn't understand it and that he was hurt.

I also took my rings off and put them away a couple of weeks ago. I can't explain it, it just felt like the right thing to do. My old M is dead and those rings were a symbol of it. It hurt me to see them on my finger and I felt that my H saw me wearing them as pursuing or my lack of acceptance of my sitch. i don't know if he's noticed or not and honestly don't care anymore.

As a result of my detachment and acceptance of what is, I have been more at peace everyday. I felt like things were clearly improving for me and that I was finally even started to let go of the tremendous jealousy I felt towards OW.
My life as a single mom is taking its course and I was looking forward to the future and dealing very well with the waves of pain I still feel.

Until this...
Now H is out of a job and we basically have a 3-month reserve to live off before running out of cash. We have a huge 401k loan that is now due, plus next year we will face a huge tax bill for the short-sale of our home.

Part of me wants to react as I have always done when we have faced financial crises - go out and work for our family until my H gets a new job.
I want to do this partly because we still have shared finances and we are both equally responsible for the well-being of our kids.
And partly because I want to show him my support and keep the road paved and smooth. (I know if I do nothing H will take it as a sign of selfishness and lack of caring on my part, thus further validating his leaving me.)

On the other hand I want to do nothing.
We are no longer a couple. OW is still in the picture and he is going to her for emotional support and is planning his future with her and not me. His job loss is his problem and I need to let him find his own solutions - drop the rope.

In the last 12 hours, three diff. family members (including H's sister) have told me to stay put, not go out immediately and find a job and solve this for him.

My current thinking is - I will wait for H to settle down and implement his own plan of action. I will wait for him to come to me and communicate about our spending / savings strategy for the next few months while there is no income and how he thinks we will need to tackle the 401k loan and tax issues.

If he doesn't come to me in the next two or three days, I will approach him about it. If he is not receptive or doesn't try to work as a team, then I will let him be. I will give him a month to get his act together. If I don't see any significant and concrete progress on his job search front, then I will have to figure out a babysitting solution and go out and freelance again to pay for my bills.

This is my initial thinking, but am open to suggestions and feedback.
I realize this is a big, big turning point and I want to do the right thing for my family and myself.