Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Divorced #3

Thirded.

This is the dynamic in play whether it's a man or a woman.

When they are gone and getting their intimate needs met elsewhere, there is no reason to come to you for it. They may do it out of greed, but we all know that it doesn't usually work out this way. The LBS DOES have a ROLE, and I want you to respect it. The LBS serves the role as a "fallback", so that they have nothing to lose even if the affair goes bad. The WAS also, will usually keep on going if the affair fails, because they are not "wrong". I'm a fan of removing the "fallback" option as fast as you can, unless you really don't mind.

The thing is is I know all this. Why cant I get it through my head to stop!! And then stop!!

Now that part I wish I knew the answer to. The only even close to an answer I have is that you simply don't do it. You make the decision to NOT do it. I wish there was another way, if there was a pill for it we'd all take it, but we know there's not, its just another step in moving forward that you have to take.

Im guessing everyone here has there own special part of their sitch they dont deal with as well...their 'waterloo' so to speak and apparently thats yours.

I'll be happy to share with you mine.....I dont/wont ask her for anything right now that is in 'our' house. Im sure this will sound crazy and irrational but its how my mind works. I've been running every day without my ipod b/c I won't ask her for it. I had to file an extension on our taxes back in April and extensions run out on October 15th and I need some tax stuff from our home office to finish them and so far I haven't asked her for them. I have plenty of clothes, but there are a few specific things i'd like to get out of my closet. The title to one of my trucks is also in the home office and I could easily sell it if I had the title and it needs to be sold. I could probably name more, but those are the specifics that i've known for a while now that I need to ask her about.

Here's the thing, I'm scared to death that if I ask her for those things she's going to tell me that while im getting them why don't I take the rest of the stuff out of my closet as well since I won't be coming back there ever and I haven't been able to face that yet. So rather than rock the boat in any way Im very happy with the status quo as far as that is concerned so I dont ask for anything that is still at our house.

I have alot of things at his place as well that I never took because I never thought we would actually divorce. A part of me thinks I should get them - the other part wants them there. I guess when the day comes where I have completely given up will probably be the day I ask to get my things. But I dont see that happening anytime soon.

Well I won't wait until I completely give up and some of them i'll have to take care of sooner rather than later, especially the tax thing, I've gotta get those in the next month so I'll have time to finish our taxes, but the rest of it can sit there until either we are together or we are divorced. Until one of those two things happen im not going to take stuff out of 'our' house whether im living there or not.

Funny I still see the house as ours when I talk to friends. He has never asked me when I was coming to get my things. I would think that with the GF there, he would want these things gone, but the request has never been there. I noticed the last time I was in the house, the wedding photos are down (cause I took them down - shouldnt have cause I bet they would still be hanging) but they are still sitting on the table where I left them. If I were the GF I would feel uncomfortable - but thats just me.

Well at least for now that house is still in my name as well. Im choosing not to live there, but only because I wanted my boys to have as little disruption as possible with school starting and all. (I guess selfishly I also wanted to keep her in there in hopes that being there i'd be harder to forget than being someplace new...but I didnt really think of that at first, just my boys.

I gotta focus on me more these days than what she's doing or whats in the house or not in the house, lets plan on that.

I think that is a good plan. I just gotta stay on task.

Carnac,
I just posted on your thread how amazed I am of you and others that continue to walk down their paths with what seems little frustration by many. I just hope to be able to find that confidence and that positiveness soon. Im amazed at the people that are in situations where the spouses are having full blown affairs and the LBSs are waiting for the return. Muliple affairs as well. I have a one night stand three years ago, and then an EA for 5 months, and my husband doesnt know if he can ever trust me again? AND Im making changes to make myself a bettef person, and there is a chance that he and I will never reconcile? I guess a part of me is jealous peeps on here with wait and hope. I guess that is me in a sense as well, minus he not having an affair.

Just venting I guess. Rough day at the office. I sometimes feel as if H takes advantage of me regarding our son. Guess Im still on that roller coaster...

Yeah, guys. I think there's a part in all of us who wants to disturb our former life as little as possible. W wanted to sell our car (which I don't use a lot since I have the motorbike) to buy a scooter because she says the car is too expensive to maintain. I ended up telling her that I'd help with the maintenance and that I thought it was important to have the car so we could do stuff, such as going out of town, camping and such, with D8.

In the end, she agreed and I felt relieved. I now realise that I want to keep things together, sort of minimize the level of destruction in her path, for as long as I can. I guess the way I see it is that as long as we keep these things the way they were, W might still be wavering. The second that we go past a certain point, she might start thinking we have gone too far to ever come back.

I might be wrong, but that's the way I see it. I also play the ostrich game, with my head in the sand. I don't ask questions for which I might not like the answer.

I guess I also see it as something I can do later, if I decide to move on. It would then show that I am serious about it.