I messed up my marriage with out even realizing it. My story sounds like it is right out of the DR book it is scary. My wife worked hard to to keep the intimacy in our marriage going but because, of what it retrospect were not over important issues, I acted poorly to say the least. I acted passive aggressively and ignored her. I simply thought that this was how marriage was. I do not what to rehash the past to much as what I am looking for is solutions right now. I know I screwed this up. I also know I can change. I do not want to be unhappy, nor do I want her to be either. I was stupid to say the least.
About 3 weeks ago my wife asked for a separation. We have two kids. I was shocked and did not see it coming even though I knew both of us were unhappy. I begged for a chance and she gave it to me. For the next two weeks I acted crazy to say the least. I am lucky to own my own business so I took a vacation the family to Universal. Bought my wife whatever she wanted and then some. Told her I loved her repeatedly with no response. Touched her and hugged her with no response. During the first week I did get the "I love you but I do not love you" comment. I always thought my wife was the most forgiving person but she brought up grievances back to before we were married, told me she has wanted to leave for 6+ years, and that she had an EA with another guy. One blow after another. I told her I forgave her and wanted to move forward but "I heard no forgiveness from her." She told me that night if I was pressuring her she would separate. During this time I sent her emails and love letters with no response. That night I think I sent her 2 texts and three emails. I did not sleep. In the morning she did hug me and say she wanted to try and work it out.
A week ago I saw the light and did my 180. Hardest thing I have done in my life. We are still living together. Still spend time with the kids. Have no plans for the future to do anything together. Do not touch physically but we sleep in the same bed. I crumbled yesterday and sent her flowers with a note saying I would love to take her on a date when she was ready. Her response was a thank you. No mention about a date. Was a step back emotionally but I realize I set myself up for that one.
She is the love of my life which is what makes this so sad. Not sure how I let this happen. The good news is that we are together in a sense. We do spend time together because of the kids and it is always enjoyable. It has only been a week since my 180 and I know I am looking for a miracle. The waiting is the hard part. A lot of regrets. Just looking for hope.
Welcome. All I can offer is that I know the feeling of something being wrong, but not knowing what to do about it. And then the bus splatters you across the sidewalk and you think where did that come from?
Follow those 37 steps, detach, be patient. Remember your wife chose you all those years ago. She chose you once, and if you give it enough time and fix your own issues, she may choose you again. But it's not something you can rush.
M: 34 W: 33 T: 11y M: 4y Bomb: 6/29/2012 Same roof, different rooms: 8/5/2012
Your story is not a lot different than mine. We've been married 20 years, have 3 kids and I got the bomb a little over 2 months ago. My first response was like yours, I showered her with the affection I had not shown her over the last 10+ years. But my wife has been steadfast in insisting it's over and nothing will change her mind because she doesn't "want to try". Don't expect any sudden miracles, it took years for your wife to get to this position (same as mine) and if there is to be a turnaround it will take quite some time. Michele has a quote in DB from someone on the forums that says for every year of marriage expect a month of repair time, so for a 10 year marriage it can take 10 months to convince a spouse to reconcile. Just stick with your 180's and be patient. Being patient is by far the hardest part, my 2 months (so far) has seemed like 2 years.
And remember, doing a 180 does not mean ignoring your wife, it means doing the opposite of what you've been doing. So if you yelled at her a lot, then quit. If you didn't listen to her, start. If you watched a lot of TV, quit. If you didn't help around the house, start. And be consistent, as Michele says one small consistent act speaks more than words ever will. Good luck!
Thanks for the great advice. I read the 5LL and realize that my wife's language is quality time. Something that I never gave her. I have focused on changing what I was doing wrong and the truth is I needed to change. I feel like a better and happier person. I do not ever want to go back to the way I was. The 180 has helped as it has allowed me to get control of my self. No more following her around like a lost puppy, saying I love you, sending emails and love letters. I have become agreeable and helpful and give her, when she wants it, my time without interruption. And this is where it got strange.
2 weeks into my 180 I have done a few things and asked her to join me. She politely declined. Thursday she told me she wanted to go out to see a band. I got the kids to spend the night somewhere else. We went to a restaurant we have always want to go to and spent about 6 hours together. I was even more excited because she was not feeling well and still wanted to go. Conversation was awkward - but we were together. At one point she asked about my therapy sessions and mentioned that "I tried to change you for so long". I was not sure to say to that. We went home and went to bed.
I am an early riser and the next morning instead of getting up and doing something around the house or working I just laid in bed next to her. After a while I realized she was awake and we laid there for about an hour I think. then she rolled over and said she was "really mad at me for changing - that I did not change sooner and we wasted all this time", that "I was the one changing and she wasn't so how could we be happy" that "we have never been happy" (which I do not feel is true), that "I did not change before" (told her that was the old me), she also mentioned she felt "it was to late to save our marriage" and that she also was afraid to be alone. She also brought up so sexual compatibility issues and mentioned we how do we fix that - something I am not worried about right now.
Just confused how to take all of that. Still sticking to my 180. Hard to process all of it. I led there mostly and told her I understood. Which I do for the most part. Scary to hear that she still thinks it might be to late.
The real specific changes I have made are in my attitude. I was very passive aggressive, negative and get angry over little things (in retrospect) with my wife and that has been a 180. I have my own business and it does really well. Still, I was always arguing with my wife about money. That has stopped. I worked a ton. My normal day was to work from roughly 4/5 am to 3, get home and spend some time with the kids. When they went to bed or even before I would watch a show, or work, or play on the computer. Since my 180 I do have been going in a lot latter, still getting home at 3 but spending more time as a family. No more work at home, shows or computer. I am involved.
I wrote down the 20 new habits that I want to form and I have been sticking to them very well:
1. Always focus on the positive. Say yes whenever possible. Do. 2. Listen. Listen. Listen. Give undivided attention. Love is communicated many ways. Find how others want to be loved and appreciated. Then do it! 3. Seek to understand not to be understood. Ask questions to understand deeply. Advice is not understanding. 4. Avoid conflict unless necessary. Do not try to fix others. Fix yourself first. 5. Challenge myself every day. Lead an exciting life. Grow. 6. Treat the ones I love better than anyone else. Better than friends, co-workers or strangers. 7. Give the gift of time to those I love. Spend time and do things, anything, with them. 8. Anger should be an emotion of last resort if at all. Learn to despise it. 9. Learn patience. Deep breathes. 10. Exercise regularly. 11. If you are thankful – say it! Don’t just think it. 12. Start each day and live it as if it was the day I wanted it to be. As if I had but a few days left. 13. Find humor. Smile more. Enjoy life. 14. Actions speak louder than words. Show you care. Daily! 15. Always be reading and learning about love, understanding, passion, romance. Keep it alive. 16. Learn to communicate better. Learn to understand better. 17. Forgive those you love without being asked. Forgiveness to a loved one is a gift I give myself. 18. Blame, guilt and being right are not important. Happiness is. 19. Start each day in a good mood no matter what. Go to sleep each day thinking of the ones I love. 20. Do not backslide. Fight to keep my hard earned changes. Never forget what you were. Realize what you are. Work towards what you want to be.
I have gone out on my own a few times now which my wife has found shocking. I have started taking dance lessons which was even more shocking.
As far as my wife goes she is not sleeping well. She has always had a cheerful disposition but lately she has been grumpy. She has told me she is getting conflicting advice from friends. She did have one visit with a psychiatrist. I think she is going to go back again. She will not go to one together. We are still very friendly together and have fun together especially with the kids. At least in the short term she is planning on being together it seems as she has asked me about some travel dates in the beginning of October so she could make some other plans.
As mentioned in a previous post she made the following comments:
- I was the one changing and she was not so how could we be happy - We have never been happy (Not true) - How can I change so quick - I am desperate to keep her and once she agrees to stay I will change back (I do not ever want to go back to the way things were) - She is angry at me for changing now, I could have changed earlier and we could have been happy earlier (I think that is what she said) - She still felt it might be too late to save the marriage - That she was afraid to be alone
Today she told me she was thinking of starting her own business. I encouraged her too.
The hard part is the patience for me and figuring out where this is going. I think I am in a better spot then a lot of people and I am grateful for the time and chance my wife was giving me. It really is hard to try and see what she is really saying. I think what she is saying is that she still does not think she can fall back in love with me and that she does not trust me to stick to my changes. Does that seem right?
My normal day was to work from roughly 4/5 am to 3, get home and spend some time with the kids. When they went to bed or even before I would watch a show, or work, or play on the computer. Since my 180 I do have been going in a lot latter, still getting home at 3 but spending more time as a family. No more work at home, shows or computer. I am involved.
That's a LONG day. I'm proud of you for your changes. I'm sure it's not easy.
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I wrote down the 20 new habits that I want to form and I have been sticking to them very well:
TOO MANY! PICK 3.
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I have gone out on my own a few times now which my wife has found shocking. I have started taking dance lessons which was even more shocking.
Why did you choose dance lessons?
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At least in the short term she is planning on being together it seems as she has asked me about some travel dates in the beginning of October so she could make some other plans.
As mentioned in a previous post she made the following comments:
- Today she told me she was thinking of starting her own business. I encouraged her to
These things are positive and her negatives are what the 'vets' call 'script'.....the usual negative behavior of the spouse that isn't happy and/or leaving.
You have mostly positives. It might not 'feel' that way.
You say you have your own business and work a ton. What are your strengthgs? What are the things that have made you successful in your business in your personal life (presently or previously)?
Hang in there...we are here to support you and help you brainstorm solutions.
