i saw how i hadn't changed in this area. and that no wonder h doesn't trust my changes - i did chastise him - by telling him off.
or i pointed out enough stuff that it made him very uncomfortable and so he went to his comfort zone which the eye rolling signifies - the area in his mind where he gets to tell himself - when she talks like that i don't have to listen, because i don't have anything to do with this.
I've gone thru this with my H many times as well - not only during the 13 years we were married, but many times since we separated. So to say that I have not changed in this area either is a huge understatement - lol... I admit in certain areas, I have been a pretty mediocre DBer at best... But you know what? I am learning to forgive myself for my setbacks. Yes, I have had many, and yes, I do believe that they have a lot to do with why my H is moving forward with D and not hesitating at all, but I am human. I try my best and sometimes I just can't be perfect. And I am ok with it, knowing that I don't give up trying to improve myself. Please - don't be too harsh on yourself - you are doing GREAT.
Originally Posted By: zig
when we had this type of interaction i would storm off and he would apologise and then i would be silent - "getting over it" for hours.
i saw myself starting to do that. and said no, not this time. pick up the phone, not only acknowledge his apology and appreciate it, but show him with your words and tone of voice that you are not going to follow the same pattern again. Then tell him that you would like to talk about it calmly later - i know they are going to Busker Fest this evening.
so i did that.
This is fantastic! You did something to change the dynamic and it worked! Your H was receptive and you turned a bad argument into a good interaction and an opportunity for change and growth. I also share that same bad dynamic in my R with H so I totally identify with what you went through and why you followed your instinct. Good for you!
I hope you ended up going to Busker Fest and enjoyed it. Another great way to GAL and break thru one of your personal fears / barriers of doing this kind of thing alone. Keep it up!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
lol, i did say it! i was so fed up. I mean what...just because he is not sleeping with me i am not worthy of some common curtesy? this man prides himself in being a gentleman, opening doors, lighting cigarettes, carrying bags, etc. what, now i am just dog poop?
i need to watch it, because if i am not careful i can start zinging away. but this just seemed so dumb. anyway, am on the blanket.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
oh goody busting - you're getting frustrated and a little mad - but the important thing here is to use that energy to propel your own growth, not lash out, which was our old habit
i listen to Abraham Hicks who expounds on the Law of Attraction - and she says that we should use the emotional states we are in as a guide to what we are attracting into our lives.
she calls it climbing up the emotional ladder - that when we stay in despair then we are at the lowest rung and we can't leap from that to elation or a happy state in one leap - we have to climb the ladder step by step. from despair you move to irritation, and then anger and after that you get to the more positive states - if you use each of them to propel you to the next one.
she says you can only get out of each state when you get completely fed up with feeling that way - when the thought of feeling irritation is more of a relief than the thought of feeling despair.
i think it was stronger who wrote that her grandma said - baby you've got to be fed up with feeling fed up.
so you are actually climbing - and you just may not realize it yet I do, that's why i am grinning!!
relish where you are at - even though you may not see it so clearly for yourself
but keep in mind - that the emotional states are just guides to tell you where you are at - not reasons to act on them. make sense?
((((((( )))))))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
