The most important part about a double bind is to know that the only way out of one is to remove yourself from it.
You need to make it a non-issue in your own mind. How ever that might look, for you. Then, you can see it objectively. And do nothing about it. Because it's a non-issue and you have accepted that it is what it is.
You are not STILL there... you've come around... much of this stuff we re-visit and that is good, because each go around, we learn more.
You do not have to find the greatness in your H....
I'll help you with this one...
You will ENCOURAGE the greatness in your H. His potential...
"H. You are a great father to S and I know you would never do anything to harm him."
You are simply encouraging your H in his potential greatness.
He still may introduce S to OW. That is out of your hands. What he MAY do is, BE in his greatness and do no harm to his and your S.
You are not STILL there... you've come around... much of this stuff we re-visit and that is good, because each go around, we learn more.
this one i get - i see it repeatedly and so for now, i allow the next level of acceptance, and this time i acknowledge that when it comes up for me again - as it will, i will be more prepared and see it for what it is.
The most important part about a double bind is to know that the only way out of one is to remove yourself from it.
I am putting this up on my wall - I will read it everyday, just like i told mac to do - and slap myself on the face to be reminded of it.
the advice and the help about encouraging the greatness in h - YES!
thank you for helping me on that - i have done that - encouraged him and will continue to do so.
last night he asked me in an hurt little boy voice - why doesn't s ever call me to say goodnight? doesn't he want to talk to me?
i replied he takes his cue from you i think. he got hassled and started in on how it was stupid to talk on the phone anyway and why would anyone want to do that, it's boring and of course s doesn't call him because it's so boring.
I just replied quietly - s lights up when you call him and talk to him, he is so so happy afterwards.
tonight - h called early - so he would have enough time to talk to s - first time in a year.
i see how this works - to encourage the greatness in h...
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i just spent the last couple of hours on the phone with my mom.
we talked about this - and about how i needed to just let it go and accept and not try to influence the sitch because i'm right and he's wrong.
we talked a long time - and she is a quietly wise woman sometimes i think. . we hadn't talked for almost a week so there was a bit of catching up to do.
in the end it was even clearer to me that dropping this so i don't burn myself on it is the best way to go.
as gabbymom said - how long will i resist, and after this one there will be another and another - ad infinitum!!
better to end that cycle now
when the vulnerability fades - there is a tiny bit more confidence in it's place...
that's to do with trust , right?
KD - you really picked up on this and came in to help me - i'm once again in awe.
i'm tempted to ask you what it is you see that triggers off this process, but i won't - it's nice to have secrets right
oh i hope one day, i can give to others in this way - that would be amazing for me to be able to give on this level as you do
{{{{{KD}}}}} - special one - do i dare put that many on either side...
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
hi zig, i have been catching up and wow. what priceless posts KD has offered to you. its a lot to take in! you are growing so much, so deeply. and even though it has come with the shedding of a lot of pain, you seem to be in such a solid place. i feel very happy for you.
loving you zig (((((((((((( )))))))))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
good morning zig, i have been taking in the posts between you and KD and have read them twice. what wisdom is in there about acceptance, vulnerability and the spirals of growth. i love your phrase:
"to be truly audacious would be to go live my life with a new boldness - on my own in a different direction...."
genuis! i feel like i got my morning devotional here. thank you zig and kd!
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
thanks and yes KD's posts to me are priceless - and i have come a long way in the last 24 hrs
pride definitely came in to bite me in the a$$ the last few days - and i am finally beginning to get it.
and labug - if you happen to be reading - you were right on with your question yesterday. i only began to understand what you were asking late last night...
i need to listen better to what is really being asked, to understand the question as it is truly meant - not what i want to see in it
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i still find myself thinking - what is my role as parent and protector of my child - does this not fall within that role?
I think you and I have been here before, way back but this is a tough one. Because we do want to be the mother bear.
When my kids were small I wanted them to experience the world at their pace, in their way. So I threw the doors wide open and provided support and love. Yes, climb that tree! Yes, walk that winding path up the side of that hill! Yes, explore the desert with the dog! Yes, play with legos all day!
But as they got older, their world got bigger and I became afraid for them, especially when it came to people outside our family. (My stuff.) And so I imposed more limits because I was fearful.
And then 5 years ago S(19) ws diagnosed with a chronic health problem and I became more fearful. I didn't want anyone to hurt him.
But it was actually me who was hurting him by not believing that he could handle his life.
Much later I became aware that I didn't think my kids were strong enough to withstand what the world might throw at them. And I was handicapping them by not allowing them to develop their skills. And the more I tried to control, the more difficult in was for all of us.
If you are never challenged, you never develop what it takes to handle challenges.
Even at a young age kids will surprise you with their ability to size up a situation, especially if they are allowed to come to their own conclusions.
So I learned to step out of their way. My job is to provide support, a bit of structure and a soft, loving place to land. To be there to listen without judgment when they want to talk; to give them the space to work things out when they don't feel the need to talk.
We are not raising children, we are guiding children into adulthood. To let them find their way because we won't always be around and they deserve the opportunity to create their own life.
It's sometimes been a very rocky road but my guys have gown into wonderful young men. And I give all the credit to them because they taught me what it means to be a parent.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I will savor what you wrote for the rest of my life as a parent.
thank YOU for doing all the work so you could share this with me.
you have helped me to take a step in the right direction as a parent for what is probably the first time since s was born.
And so I imposed more limits because I was fearful.
^^^ is where i have been for far too long - you and KD have tried so much to help me see that - and i have made my own path to this point really rocky for myself because of not understanding it
the more I tried to control, the more difficult it was for all of us.
yes and i had a shining glaring opportunity to find that out this morning.
i had told myself last night, finally as i gave in and let go of the issue - the universe will take care of this - it will give me what i truly need.
this morning - my mom calls - there's the international lego festival and she invites me and s to come to austin with them for it - on Labor day weekend!! we should leave the day ow arrives!!
i half joke and say - mom are you plotting and planning to get s and me out of here so he doesn't meet ow. she says - no - it was in the newspaper this morning and i know how excited s would be.
well old habits die hard and immediately my mind saw the chance to still manipulate the situation and i said - call s tonight and get him really excited about this and then h won't be able to say no. after all HIS family does that to me all the time - he can have a taste from the other side of the fence.
and then my problems are solved.
as we discussed this, i started to feel sick to my stomach. then i started crying and said to my mom - i can't do this, this is making me really sick - i can't keep trying to manipulate what is going on - i've done that for way too long
she just stayed calm and said - zig, call h and ask him and decide together. if he says yes then tell s, if he says no, then don't say anything.
and there i was - taking the real opportunity given me - to do something different and to do it the right way.
and that hole in my stomach that was making me feel sick - it was just gone and there was peace again
so i haven't just learned yesterday - i feel that i have really applied it.
I'm finding out that when awareness is reached, there is another step:
the universe instantly gives you an opportunity to test out where you really stand on the issue.
thanks labug
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
