Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Now separated. Am I doing the right things? Pt 2

Rough, this isn't borderline pursuing, it IS pursuing. Remember the whole "No Gift Giving" part of DB/DR? Now I'm certainly no Vet, but just wanted to point that out!



Yup, I think this happens to all of us... Waiting to see what happens is the hardest part, and it's the time that the whole GAL thing really helps. I struggle with this a bunch, always wanting to do something to move things in a direction... Then I remember "Nothing Needs to be Done" and get back to GAL, PMA, and practicing patience.



Definitely a good idea to hold off on paying any more bills than you originally agreed upon.

Keep posting, even if it's just journaling. It helps me a ton, and you never know when you'll get some great advice!

Thanks Alkaline. It’s great to get other people’s views. Especially your pursing remark. It helps keep me in check.

I have realistic expectations however I eventually hope I can come to this forum with an updated title that says, “Together again, am I doing the right things?” I really want to reach that goal!!!

I came back to the forum roughly a year ago with that title -- that's not the goal line. This is a marathon, not a sprint. If she comes back before she's ready you're in for more suffering in a different venue. Give her space to let her miss you. Make her WONDER what you're up to -- make her WONDER if you still care! That's the most powerful thing you can do -- appear to be happy, *independent* and enjoying your life.

Giving her gifts or performing acts of service can undercut that because it's obvious you're still on the shelf waiting for her to throw you some scraps. Don't take scraps -- wait for the steak.

Accuray

Yup

Yeah, I see what you mean Accuray. It is the most difficult thing to do but it looks like the most efficient one as well.

Denver, I am still going through your threads (a bit more than half way now) and I have to say, the support you got with the BITS was/is amazing.

I was thinking that maybe we could start some sort of similar thing (neighborhood watch?) with some of the people in our timeline. It's amazing because since you were all going through similar thought process/difficulties at around the same time, you could really empathize with one another.

Now we just need to find a cool name for it and start signing members on. Ideas anyone???

Thanks Acc, It's been awhile since you've chimed in. I try my best to implement your great input. I have a question for all/any of you though.

My W is asking for additional money on top of the 1,000 a month that I currently am giving her. She thinks I have all this extra money and she’s completely wrong. I am barely getting by. Time for me to pull up my big boy pants and figure out how to make some of these decisions on my own. (well, try anyway).

She wants extra money for school supplies and for me to contribute to our daughters upcoming birthday party. Both should be relatively inexpensive and it’s for the kids, so I understand and I will probably comply within reason.

Email from W

“I am sorry to say this but I need a little extra from you on your next check. I don’t have the extra money!!!! Kids are starting school soon and needs some things. We also need to throw a party together for our daughter on her birthday. Please consider what you might be able to do. You have very minimal bills right now.”

I am very cautious because the second I start giving her additional money just ONCE, she will start wanting to turn this into a regular thing which is unacceptable. W and I had an agreement, 1,000 a month. It should be crystal clear but with her new request it doesn’t look like that’s the case from her convenient perspective. Where do I draw the line of being nice and being walked on. In this scenario, it’s a fine line. Maybe I should draw some boundaries however I think I should contribute to her request. Any input?

By the way, when we were together we always had financial problems however she would do things that I usually avoided. She use to get overdrafts regularly and she would take out payday advances. Those get very costly and just recently her cable got disconnected for not making a payment. I don’t think I should call her out on these things but I am sure she’s doing them again. I know I need to focus on ME but sh!t, it pisses me off because as she put it, she wants me to be the family’s “financial rock” but where’s her accountability in all of this???? Sorry, just venting!!!!

Can you buy your D's supplies? The school should have a list of what they need. Take the initiative to do it yourself.

As for your D's birthday, you can just as easily have your own birthday party for her on your own. How often do you get her?

Dangerous ground. You have three options:

1) Defer to Third Party: Both of you sit down with the Financial Advisor you sat down with last time when the $1,000 was agreed upon and go over the budget and agreement again. If she feels you have "minimal bills" and that you're not paying your share, then the only way to diffuse that is for a third party to tell her. If you tell her it just turns into a pissing contest. "W, it's important to me to turn around our financial situation. Part of that requires me to earn more money, but the second more important part is to create a budget of what we can afford and stick to it. If we cheat on that budget, we'll never get where we want to be. If you'd like, we can sit down with the financial counselor again to review the budget and see how we might come up with more money between the two of us."

2) Agree to Her Request: If YOU think it's a fair and reasonable request and you can agree to it, then give her the extra money. Maybe she'll make the requests a habit, but maybe she won't. You can fight the battle on the second request just as easily as you can on the first.

3) Deny Her Request: Tell her that you agreed on $1,000 per month, and that you will need to stick to that. Per Mr. Bond, if you want to buy the school supplies on your own instead, you can do that, but IMO if you reply with "How about if I buy the school supplies", you may be implying that you think she's lying to you about the reason for needing the money. I don't know if that's important or not.

Your decision

Accuray