The best of both worlds?! Now I'm certainly intrigued. How do you remain a friend and be someone they'd be a fool to leave but have 0 contact?
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
***I personally could never be someone's backup plan. Maybe that's just me, but let me ask you this: How confident are you that your wife knows that you know (that she's having an affair)?
Well as I discovered the picture in February and confronted her about that, I'm sure she knows that I know about an EA. And I've made fuzzy (very fuzzy) references to her doing "whatever the hell she's doing with some other guy" and, during our last "fight" (the one after she asked why I didn't fight for her) I went off on a tangent about how she's "hanging out" with an ex, so how am I supposed to fight for that...
So I'd say I have about 80% confidence that she knows I know...
If you know, and she KNOWS that you know, then I believe that is where her "Why aren't you fighting for me?" comment is coming from.
She is losing respect for you, because you are tolerating her affair, in my opinion. And since women tie their feelings of LOVE very closely with their feelings of RESPECT for a man, I believe she is rapidly losing love for you as well.
Combine all that with the physiological fact that she is addicted to her OM (just google "PEA brain love lust addiction" and do some basic research on the endorphines that wash over someone's brain when they are in an affair), and you're in quite the pickle.
Now is not the time for "fuzzy references." Now is the time to LEAD, and to fight like hell for your marriage. I believe your wife has been waiting for you to do that, at some deep level. Now, will she scream like a witch with holy water poured on her in the SHORT term? Probably, yeah. But in the long term, you may just save your marriage.
Please read Denver2010's sitch, for a great case study in how to balance the dance.
If you know, and she KNOWS that you know, then I believe that is where her "Why aren't you fighting for me?" comment is coming from.
I don't know if it makes a difference, but her question was "Why Didn't you fight for me to stay" rather than a present tense "Why aren't you fighting for me".
No, it doesn't make a difference in my main point.
"I would LOVE for you to say, but I won't be a part of your life so long as OM is in it" should have been your position, should STILL be your position, and -- as you'll see from Denver's sitch, when you research it -- you can incorporate that very clear, strong stance INTO your "fight" for her.
No, it doesn't make a difference in my main point.
"I would LOVE for you to say, but I won't be a part of your life so long as OM is in it" should have been your position, should STILL be your position, and -- as you'll see from Denver's sitch, when you research it -- you can incorporate that very clear, strong stance INTO your "fight" for her.
sorry, that should have read "love for you to STAY," not "say."
I understand completely what you're saying. I'm just not sure if I have the strength to stick with that right now. I know that once I lay that out, I CAN'T go back on that statement.
Doing so would ruin all the hard work... And I'm having a tough time deciding to cut off all communication when things seem to at least be moving toward a positive direction (she's increasing her efforts to reach out, showing curiosity, keeping conversations light and happy, telling me she can't talk when she's had too much to drink as she's afraid she won't be able to control her thoughts and words enough...)
But you've given me a lot to think about... Looking back at her past relationships, she's always chose to be with strong-types of men: Star QB, Firefighter etc... When we first got together, she told me it was my caring heart, sensitivity and quick wit that attracted her to me, as she was tired of dating all the "a-holes"... but as the relationship went on, she told me more than a few times that it was disconcerting to her that she never "had to try"... that I always loved her no matter what she looked like... And now, she's back with the firefighter and... hell you're right, I'm probably giving all sorts of signals of weakness, especially if she knows I know about her A...
Starsky, I think the last paragraph I wrote may have been an epiphany of sorts for me... Although I won't change who I am to turn into some "A-Hole", I can certainly start showing more strength...
And that might be the 180 to end all 180s for me...
I'm going to go deep into thought on this until tomorrow evening, when I see my IC. I'll bounce this off him and see what his reaction to it is...
If you know, and she KNOWS that you know, then I believe that is where her "Why aren't you fighting for me?" comment is coming from.
She is losing respect for you, because you are tolerating her affair, in my opinion. And since women tie their feelings of LOVE very closely with their feelings of RESPECT for a man, I believe she is rapidly losing love for you as well.
Combine all that with the physiological fact that she is addicted to her OM (just google "PEA brain love lust addiction" and do some basic research on the endorphines that wash over someone's brain when they are in an affair), and you're in quite the pickle.
Starsky
Starsky - I see so many parallels with my marriage (now divorced) regarding this above. I was in an EA with my personal trainer - well, more like I was in it - he thought of me only as a friend. I wanted my husband to fight for me more than he was, even though he was trying. But he was also tolerating it at the same time. What do you recommend to me now that the divorce is final - I want to reconcile, but he is now in a 4 week whatever he is in. I think its rebound. Actually hoping it is... Sorry for jumping your thread Aka!
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi
Starsky - I see so many parallels with my marriage (now divorced) regarding this above. I was in an EA with my personal trainer - well, more like I was in it - he thought of me only as a friend. I wanted my husband to fight for me more than he was, even though he was trying. But he was also tolerating it at the same time. What do you recommend to me now that the divorce is final - I want to reconcile, but he is now in a 4 week whatever he is in. I think its rebound. Actually hoping it is... Sorry for jumping your thread Aka!
MrsD, it's interesting you should say that, because my own wife's affair was with a trainer (and she is/was a personal trainer as well). I will check out your thread, as I don't want to hijack Alkaline's, but if your divorce is already final, then you probably just need to let him go.
I understand completely what you're saying. I'm just not sure if I have the strength to stick with that right now. I know that once I lay that out, I CAN'T go back on that statement.
Look, it's either what I call a "Boundary of Personal Integrity" with you or it's not. I can't convince you that you really SHOULD have as a dealbreaker boundary "I won't be in your life as your husband as long as you are having an affair with another man." All I can tell you is what I would do, and also point out to you that such a stance (tolerating it) is very likely KILLING ATTRACTION between your wife and you.
I would say that to ANY man, but all the more so considering your wife's very clear "Why didn't you fight for me to stay?" comments.
It's entirely your choice, but I personally have never seen the approach you're currently taking work. Even those that take a "softer" approach than I do on the whole flirting/be-their-friend/pursuing thing, have taken a very hard stance on the "no-contact" piece of it (see MulesQB and Denver2010 for just two great examples), and often couple it even with a strong legal stance.
