Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Month 3 no movement

I guess it was time for me to find a new thread. Hopefully everyone has had a good weekend. Mine has been pretty full and as I wind down a Sunday night my thoughts are that I still hope for the opportunity one day to work on a relationship with my wife, but its beyond obvious right now that if that is to happen its probably a long way off. As i've stated on here before I really don't know if my wife is involved with OM, or if she is MLC, or simply a WAW for other reasons, but what I do know is that shes probably better DBing than I am and that she certainly seems better at going dark or NC than I am.

We really haven't had ANY contact in 2 weeks now that wasn't directly related to S11. I was happy that SS16 sent me a text last night thanking me for some shoes and clothes that I bought him and sent with my W last week. I don't think I ever wrote about this, but my father is pretty old and has a few health issues and because my W is an RN my mom often calls or texts her to ask questions. Well on Friday nigt/Saturday morning he had a slight episode that concerned my mother so she talked to my W and asked her a few questions about what she should do....anyway last night around 9:00 someone knocked and it was SS16 dropping off some shoes for S11 that he couldnt find yesterday afternoon and while he was standing at the door he thanked me again for the shoes etc... and said that my W wanted to know how my dad was feeling and if he was better.....the absurd part of this entire thing...she was sitting in the driveway in her car not more than 30 feet away but wouldnt get out and ask the question herself. Absolutely absurd, but im not interested in being petty or childish so I said nothing about it and just told him that everything was fine and thanks for asking.

Honestly its probably a benefit to me that she's being so adamant about not speaking to me b/c I think it would be so much harder to be dark with her if she were trying to reach out to me. We had a very brief text exchange today that was completely about S11 and school starting tomorrow. He decided he wanted to stay here with me tonight and me take him to the first day of school tomorrow and I dont think she liked the idea much. She was originally worried about him not having paper/pencils but I told her that he and I had stopped and got some stuff etc.. she finally texted that it sounded like he should be set then and I didnt respond b/c I saw no reason to, thats just the extent of how we communicate currently and its been that way for a while now.

I know each situation is different but does anyone know of any WAW situations with similarities? She's not angry, not picking fights, not moving toward D.....im honestly kind of lost right now as to whats going and even have had friends who have spoken with her who say she doesn't seem angry.

This uncertainty is mad, isn't it? Sometimes we'd rather have them at our throat than indifferent because at least we know they feel something for us.

I don't know what to tell you man but like I've been told many times on this site, WAW have had to deal with the pain we inflicted for years so a few weeks/month is nothing in the big scale of things.

Be patient mate. You are doing well.

Sounds familiar Carnac. While reading your post I thought you were talking about my W. I care but I attempt to have a “who cares” attitude if that makes any sense.

I have to agree with Arsene at this point. I am new here and am going thru WAW. Its hurts so much to know you have damaged the person you love more than anything in the world and now you can't fix it....yet.

Keep changing towards the positive, be positive, improve everything in your life. This is what I am trying and I hope and pray that one day my W will recognize my true sincerity. Like I said I am new, so this might not be of any use to you. But self improvement will never hurt you regardless.

If you ever had true love, I believe she will want it back as much as you.

I think my W decided that she's going to try and think about what she wants to do without me in the picture. She's made up her mind to not make up her mind for a while.

Not saying it's entirely similar, but I certainly feel like things are stagnant and "on her terms." Not much to do but keep on trying with the DB..

Thanks to both of you for the words of encouragement. I feel better about my situation today than I have in a while, I dont really know why because its exactly the same, but im at least a little more at peace than I have been. With that being said I can tell you that I miss my wife desperately, but she sure isn't going to see that side of me. Im not going back to begging and crying to win her back. I've got a note her on my desk at the office that I jotted down last week from someone's post that says "beome the spouse that only a fool would divorce" and that is my goal.

Im going to double up on my working on me and just let the rest take care of itself. But I do know that she has to be dealing with this situation as well at least occasionally in her quiet moments she has to be thinking about it. And i've also said all along that today is when "real" life begins for her again. One of the things that has made this much easier for her I think is that its been summer and my boys haven't had anywhere to be each day so dealing with things like making them go to bed when they don't want to, or get up when they don't want to, or do homework when they don't want to, she hasn't had to face any of that.

Im interested to see how much she truly enjoys being a single parent now that they are back in school and she's responsible for everything. Im sure thats petty and childish of me, but at the same time this is the road she has chosen so im anxious to see if its still a trip she likes when she has all of that to deal with.

Oh Carnac - Ive had the same thoughts about school and responsibility - especially after everything that happened yesterday. Anyway - you are doing well Carnac. You are alot stronger than what you think you are. I wish I was where you are now to be honest. I seem to get alittle ahead only to step back three steps. Darned heart and head need to coincide better...

I have an appt with my IC on Wednesday and i'll discuss this with him at that time, but im wondering if anyone here has any advice. And honestly im not trying to be a smart aleck, but I dont need GAL, detach etc. I know those things and im working very hard at those things, but im talking more about concrete things that can be done about obsessing about this situation.

It has become a real problem for me as of late and I dont really know how to attack it. And mostly its a problem for me during the day when im at my office and actually have work to be doing I find myself on here, or any number of other sites just reading articles, messsage board posts, really anything written about relationships and saving them I guess. I've probably read more about relationships in the last 10 weeks than most therapists have. And im not saying that in a bragging way, I know its a problem and know that my obsession with this can't continue so im wondering if anyone has any concrete solutions or actions that may help. I do know that im going to call my Dr tomorrow for a different AD, he gave me one last week but its a pretty low dose and he told me if I didnt feel better in a week to let him know and we would try something different and its been a week as of tomorrow and I certainly don't feel any better as far as that goes.

But mostly I just want to quit obsessing about this entire ordeal, and I know that if I dont then i'll either do something stupid that will certainly seal the fate of my M or i'll end up losing my job b/c I can't seem to get any work done. It doesn't help at all that i've kind of made it to a point in my career where I no longer share an office with anyone, and no one really follows up on what im doing as long as the work gets done, and i've managed to keep getting the work done so far by coming in on nights and weekends, just about anytime im not with S11 and don't have plans I end up coming in here knowing that I have to catch up, but I also know if I keep that up then sooner or later im going to miss a deadline and its not going to be good for me at all.

Anyone?

You gotta get out of that pattern. Focusing on yourself would involve taking care of your job too.

I am interested as well. I have been doing the absolute same thing as you are....