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zig

To answer your other question.

linky

could it be he doesn't feel the urgency because there's no pressure form OP?

i think that is the case with h here -

i like what you point out about lablelling the state of mind as opposed to just forgetting about it and moving on

today was my first day attempting to truly do that, and it felt great.

i read your words last night and you are so right , stronger.

and i saw how i project my worst fears to the future, and i simply decided to STOP doing that. it keeps me in a really bad place.

and you're right about what if the conversation hadn't taken place - it's food for thought and when i read your words that it took me off the blanket - i realized you were right. i thought i was reacting to the recent development, literally , but i was reacting to the chaos

i couldn't quite see till i read what you wrote.

today has been a good day for me - really focused on my work and felt quite peaceful and positive about my life. also excited about going out tonight.

wasn't expecting any contact whatsoever from h, but he and s stopped by a couple of hours ago - and i just decided to be delighted to see my boys when i didn't expect to - sort of a bonus to my day

i could see h was very stressed and trying like hell to hide it - so i gave him a warm friendly loving hug and tons of hugs to s. s usually is quite reserve physically around me in front of h - but he hugged and hugged me.

i think they are both feeling my abscence there

mil stopped by in the afternoon to pick something up, and she told me that it was pretty tense and miserable there - and h was the most tense and snappy out of everyone. he'd been snapping at her all day!!

i'm so at my picnic - i could feel both mil and h relax at my house - it's safe here!!

off to have a ball

(((( ))))
zig

There you go! Get out and have a blast. I'll keep your spot warm for you! I'll warn the turtles to stand back so they don't get stepped on when you plop back down on the blanket tonight

hey zig, i can not wait to hear about your evening. that sounds awesome. we will be waiting on the blanket for a full report

hi stronger and ng - oh I had a blast

if there's one thing that totally completely and utterly uplifts me is to see a kickass older woman (as in over 70) just bringing the house down. and when we got there, i got a real kick out of the fact that not only was it a blues bar, but a biker's bar. no i'd never been in one of those either. i even charmed the big ole' guy at the door stamping my hand.

wanda was amazing - and the sweetest woman too, really kind and loving.

she was actually really unwell tonight and her throat was really bad - but she was so amazingly gracious about it, that the crowd was cheering her on even more. in spite of that, it was amazing to see this woman still belting it out - she was fragile though. i just sat there watching her in awe with this HUGE smile on my face, like WOW - i wanna be like that!!

i didn't really know much about her - turned out she used to date elvis before he made it big.. and also i had no idea that my friend who invited me to go - her dad used to be Wanda's manager years ago.

so it was a real rock n roll night and i felt really really good.

i saw how far i have come - in being nonjudgmental, having patience and just being kind. we picked up my friend's old friend on the way out - she made me drive 50 mph on the highway where it was 75. the old me would have been really pissed - the new me smiled and took it as an opportunity to practice patience!!

then while we were hanging out she told me how she'd been the WAS on her h 10 yrs ago (how does this [censored] happen to me always??/), and didn't talk about him very nicely - actually sounded quite disdainful. i just sat there kindly and let her talk and didn't say anything. the old me would have started giving her the "info". i was like - hey - there's all sides...it disturbed me a little to see how off hand she was. i asked her if she was in a relationship right now, and she said she'd had several bf's but didn't look too happy. oh well...

so it's late and i better get some z's


tomorrow's the family thingummy - don't really care to go, but i suppose i should to be there to celebrate with h's grandparents. i do love and admire them hugely. luckily h let me know that he's off playing golf all afternoon, so i can go hang out with all the "women and kids" who are so fun to be with. he brought up driving there and asked if i had a ride - i said i hadn't decided when i was going and hadn't talked to anyone. we left it that we'd talk in the morning - so the 3 of us might be riding in together!! i would like to go later on my own - but it's 2 hrs round trip and i don't really need to be wasting the gas money right now.

so KD - i know i still need to answer to your post - but i think i'll work on that tomorrow.

hope you are all well, i'm banking on the energy of this great evening, to float me through the following days.

so i'm on the blanket with you guys now, and i didn't even trip over any of the turtles on my way there

(((((( )))))))
zig

zig i was just coming by to hear about your evening. so happy you had such a good time!

and you got to practice some of your awesome techniques in patience as an extra too! LOL.

i hope you are well. i know KD gave you a lot to do, so will wait to read how you are.

have a good day at the family thing. i am on the blanket waiting....

((()))

WooHoo! So glad you had a good time!!!!

Ok so the rules for this trip are:

Stay on your "high"
No roller coaster riding
No expectations
Look for things to enjoy
And...don't forget to coat yourself in anti-drama. There's a can of it by Serenity.

Gosh to a newbie we must sound crazy!

Very important, that ^^^^^^, IMHO.

And a couple other things.

Betrayal is betrayal. I've mentioned this in other threads before and will post it her for your consideration.

At one point, my dad thought my mom was having an A. There's a number of behaviours from my mom that certainly could allow one to have that conclusion. In the end, he said it is true. "My W IS having an A. It's an A with the bottle."

Whether it is an OP, a bottle, or just some language or behaviours from the WAS, or even MLC... the LBS is hit with feelings of betrayal. That FEELING is the same, regardless of the reason / circumstances.

It is absolutely a feeling the WAS feels. IMHO, it is the basis for their justifications and rationalizations for leaving the M in the first place. The underlying feelings of betrayal (fear foremost, as well as the subsequent protective feelings such as anger) show up in their language and behaviours. And from observing some LBS, that betrayal can be the premise of the LBS's future...

As it does... or more so, can... in the LBS as they "move ON"... rather than "move FORWARD". Those two phrases are interchanged as though they mean the same thing. It may be semantics, yet people are susceptible to the minor nuances of languages.

From my learnings, my experience, my mentors...

Move ON - exclusionary, holding on to the feelings, based on the past

Move FORWARD - self focused and externally benign, working through and letting go, the feelings based on the past

I would strongly recommend getting really familiar with 25yrsmlc's sitch. She too... knew betrayal... IMHO, she moved FORWARD, rather than moved ON... She TOO, "kept the road home paved and smooth"... She TOO, remained a "safe place" for her H...

To mean, that is the epitome of moving FORWARD... as opposed to moving ON... Both of those phrases mean that a LBS potentially enters a future, absent the WAS... whereas moving FORWARD... ALSO includes a possible future with the WAS in it... and appreciate that possible future... focused on the good, rather than the bad... whether it is in a M... or just as two friends...