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hi

i wonder if anyone could help me?

i am having the largest wave of anger and resentment washing over me today - and i could really use some other peoples' perspective on how to handle this.

i need to get myself to a good calm place before tonight = h and i are having the how to split everything up talk after i put s to bed.

the way i am right now - i'm afraid i could potentially throw a years worth of work out the window. all i can say is that i am aware that there's that potential, but i don't believe i will act on it.

what did some of you do to help you through this? I think this is the first time i've felt it like this since BD. it's so strong and in my face, that i simply don't know what to do with it.

thanks
zig

i did a short meditation and have calmed down a bit.

i think i'm angry because for a year this man has just come and gone, and i've worked on myself, and now when there is something good for me that i should focus on, he has brought up this whole D thing as if it is imperative it is done right this minute, and who cares whether i have something that i need to focus on, this is first priority..

very interesting shift within me - i'm finding myself FEELING the sentiments he had expressed during BD.

found myself thinking this afternoon - h you are not first priority in my life right now (those words he said to me used to haunt me all this last year).

i blew him off a bit this afternoon - he showed up at the house with s's stuff that he had forgotten - actually being very friendly. i was not prepared - mil was supposed to bring them. and he started chatting about this and that, and i said h sorry, i'm in the middle of working right now and extremely busy, and i don't have time to talk about violin rentals for s.

earlier he had called and left a message that when could we talk, he implied tonight on the phone. so when he was here i said, when do you want to talk - and he asked if i'd call tonight.

after i said i didn't have time for him to hang out , he got really deflated. and that actually made me feel even more resentful. so a lot of strange feelings coming up.

even though i sort of blew him off, i did it very calmly and frankly a bit distractedly. he did look sort of expectant when he came in - and that just confused me

i know this is just a wave of unfamiliar emotions - and i'm not used to feeling this way.

Hey {{{zig}}}... I am glad you worked yourself down from your anger and hope your meeting went well with your H.

I just want to say, your REALLY ARE someone he could miss, now... as frustrating as it is to have to go through this part of the process... and as difficult as it can be...

THIS might be the time when he could notice you are no longer waiting around for him and... he WILL lose you through this D...

Just a thought... be well... you are doing great.

KD [censored] [censored] - i am not doing well right now at all.

i haven't talked with him yet - it will be another hour or so.

as frustrating as it is to have to go through this part of the process... and as difficult as it can be...

this is so difficult, right now - my energy is not in a good place, and i can't figure out if i'm really fed up or just scared. there's so much hurt that has risen...

do i just be friendly or let my real feelings show. i swear if he spews at me i will completely lose it and i'm scared i'll do that.

joann told me to be friendly and let go and not to stop the fast train - stop the fast train - i want to blow up the tracks!!

idk if you followed the convo on my bootcamp thread last night, but the general consensus was to just find out and be non-committal myself. so why am i getting into such a state about this?

all day everytime i stop doing something, like cooking or cleaning which takes my focus off it, i just start crying.

i don't know how many times during this last yr h would tell me he'd call me after he put s to bed - and the next day - sorry i fell asleep. i've half a mind to give him back some of the same. all i keep thinking is it's about time he got some of what he dishes out - indifference, blowing everyone off - everything except the anger.

i know what's going on with me - i've put aside the anger for a year - focused on being all the positive things - and now it's reared it's ugly head when i wasn't watching and i simply don't know what to do with it. it scares me

i know i'm venting here - so i won't with h.

thanks KD - i'm spinning over myself this time and it [censored]

zig

yes, you are probably fed up AND scared...

No fear if you can not hold yourself together.

Remember... anger is AN emotion stemming from fear. If you are in the convo with your H and you feel anger... go to where the fear is and express that... and if you cry, that's OK...

work through it. You've proven you can.

And... if HE projects...?

Let him know that you are looking for a constructive convo and not a fault blaming convo and will leave if he doesn't keep himself in check.

You know your coach is right, of course... if he switches to the fast train, let it run... or it will run over you... and remember, it will likely run right off the tracks...

Zig, we're with you. Anger is just a mask for fear or hurt. Just breathe. Listen to what he has to say. It's not going to be much different than the hard stuff you've already discussed. Don't make it more than it is.

thanks KD - yes it's fear behind the anger - but maybe this time it's less fear of him going through with it and more fear of what i used to do when i was angry.

it's as if i don't trust my own changes even though i KNOW that they are real.


work through it. You've proven you can.


yes - thanks for reminding me - this time though i want more time, but i guess the growing up part is knowing i have to work through it in the time i have

if he switches to the fast train, let it run... or it will run over you... and remember, it will likely run right off the tracks...

i needed to read this - many many times.

all through the day i have been telling myself - don't let what he is doing affect your mood. usually i'm so much better at refocusing, but today i cannot even begin to find it except in going to anger and resentment. i guess i'll have to ride my own wave out

kd - i know you're busy with other things - but thank you from the bottom of my heart. i really needed your words tonight.


{{{{{{ }}}}}}}

i'll be the best zig i can be in this state that i can manage

Anger is just a mask for fear or hurt

thanks unbidden - you are right - as is KD

i'll try not to make it more than it is - and i know that you are all with me, i just wish i was stronger right now.

i'm going to meditate before i call him - i can't in the state i am right now - i don't even want to hear his voice


i think my reaction is way way more than what is going on. it's bringing up old resentments from years ago - not just with him but with my ex too - where when i wanted to work or had a good thing going with working, they always chose that time to "need" something.

and i always gave it to them at the detriment of my work, in some ways. now when he's asking for my focus on this after a whole year - i'm pissed as hell that it comes right when things are a bit crucial with this new job.

the lesson here though for me is balance - i'm not sure i know how to balance the chaos of his stuff with my staying focused with this new job, that is requiring me to overhaul my daily structure.

so maybe that is the real fear behind this - and maybe the anger is more towards myself, because i'm angry that i am being so affected by what he is doing and it's affecting how i approach my work.

maybe i am just projecting my own stuff onto him.

and there i go - KD - working through this

thanks both of you for being here for me - i can't believe how much support i need even now after a whole year! but i'm so grateful that it is here for me

zig

Hey zig I feel like we're in a similar place today with our others wanting to discuss these things. It's a good reminder to identify our underlying fears here. For me it's money, not being able to afford things, pay bills, etc. it's also a fear that stbx is going to try something shady. Hang in there.

Zig, if it's really affecting your work so much, just text him and tell him you need to do it another time. Really, you deserve to be able to make that choice under the circumstances. Just because you're spinning a bit now doesn't mean you haven't done a lot of great work on yourself in the last year. In fact, a year ago you probably wouldve just been spinning all around without discernment. You've made more progress than lots of us combined