Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Need help with detaching and hoping to reconcile.

Hey all,

I'm starting to really stress out. If someone could provide some advice. If you've read my last post you'll understand the dilemma but I'll restate.

I'm and going to see a couple of friends, these two women are very close friends of mine, my H, the OW and her H. Well the OW's H decided he was going to join the 3 of us girls. I found out a day or 2 ago.

The biggest problem I have is what do I say to my H? Do I tell him, be upfront, total transparency or do is it none of his business and let him find out and feel betrayed yet again?

The reason this is an issue is because, although my H is pretty sure they know what happened he does not have confirmation. The fact the the OW's H is going to be there will confirm that they know. If he finds out after the fact it'll be worse because he will have assumed that I knew and that will be bad. Either way he is going to be hurt.

I think I'm answering my own question. I think if I email him and tell him now he will have time to process it before any damage that may be done.

Does anyone have any thoughts?

The other issue I have is moot. I've decided to not engage in discussion about the sitch with anyone especially the OW's H. I really was hoping for a stress free weekend and I'm going to fight like a wildcat to keep it that way.

What about not going instead?

Why would you need to tell H anything?

Fighting like a wildcat does not lead to a stress-free weekend. I would think the whole thing would be uncomfortable for many reasons.

Unbidden, I guess that is an option. These women live many hours or plane rides away but we will all happen to be in the same area, within a couple of hour anyway this weekend. On my agreeing to meet up with them, one of the women purchased a plane ticket to come and would not have come otherwise. Since this all happened (the situation with my H and me) I haven't had the opportunity to see them. I suspect that either way (go or stay) H would be upset. All of that seems like a but statement (excuses) huh. I'm just confused, do I do what I would do if the relationship was over or do I act in his best interest?

Previous to this I think I spent time away from H, on purpose, on "girls weekends" maybe 2xs in our marriage.

Here's the thing, I want to go but I don't want drama. Drama seems unavoidable though. I'd like to discuss it with my H but I don't want to leave the decision in his hand, I also don't want him to feel as though I'm "pushing" by not going. Meaning, he would think, which would mostly be true, that I decided not to go so that I wouldn't hurt his feelings. The thing is that once he hears that the OW's H will be there he will be hurt, whether I go or not. Regardless of the reason I give.

Help.

I sent an email to my H informing him of the situation concerning this weekend and that I may not go because of not wanting to deal with any drama that may come up with the OW's H. I also said that because of him being there, it's pretty much guaranteed that even if the situation isn't discussed it'll be obvious, whether I go or not. I said that I haven't decided yet if I'm going. But that I want to see our friends.

I also said that I'm trying hard figure out what the least wrong decision is in any situation and that nothing I do or say is with the intent to hurt him and that I hope he can understand that one day.

Mistake or not, I guess we'll see.

I really hate this situation, meaning the situation my H and I are in, not so much the situation with our friends. If push comes to shove my H wins but until that happens I hope to maintain at least some of my friendships. I know that if we are able to reconcile that we can still be friends with the 2 women and their families. He's a good man that made a desperate mistake and is re-evaluating his life. He's still on the defensive so everything I do or say is held up to scrutiny. I guess I am too, I'm suspicious of everything.

How do I detach in a loving way in this situation?

****SIGH****

Just the way we all do, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

You will find that no matter what happens with your M, your relationships with others will change because you are changing.

New relationships will emerge to take their place. It may be hurtful in the beginning but most likely you will find that it's a good thing.

About the email you sent H, what is the outcome you're hoping for?

Hi LA,

My relationships with them have changed already. Although we are friend I always felt as though I wasn't an important piece of the group dynamic. Since all of this I'm learning that I was and am more important to them than being my H's wife and my S's mom. I'm realizing that I was projecting how I felt about myself on to them. I starting to feel differently about me and therefore them too.

As for the email, I'm hoping to do as little damage as possible to our current relationship (me & H). It's hard to know what will happen or what will hurt the least. I don't know if I'll hear back from him.

I also hope this will motivate him to speak to them himself (the 2 women). I think it would be better for them to hear from him. I didn't and wouldn't throw him under the bus, I owned my crap, but he wouldn't see it that way.

When this first came out for me, he had drafted an email to all of our friend in preparation for the backlash he would receive. That didn't happen and we've all been in this weird state of limbo for about 7 months now. I want him to be able maintain his friendships with all these people (excluding the OW and obviously her H will have nothing to do with my H).

Little 2x4 here,

These is his stuff, let it go.

Don't be his mother.

And If you want to go on the weekend, go. It seems like you're trying to get a reaction from him. Make this decision based on what Lilly wants to do.

Okay, the mothering thing is a bad habit I have with him. I know that but I don't always see when I'm doing it. Thank you.

I actually didn't want a reaction, truly. I just want to keep the bumps as small as possible. But it's moot now. I did receive a response. He's in the "I don't care and I'm over worrying about what they may think about me" mode. Go or don't go, doesn't matter. He hope they would hear both sides (his and the OW's H) and then come to a conclusion but he's resigned to losing them if it comes to it. His biggest concern is our S and the rest of the children ultimately effected. Also, me setting boundaries with the OW's H about discussing our situation.

He emailed a second time and said just go and stop worrying about it. I didn't take this as "permission", just him saying don't worry about him being hurt.

I'm actually encouraged by this. Not for our relationship but for him. He seems to be less reactive or at least more able to step back from his initial reaction and think through it.

LA, I love the guy and regardless of our past, I want our marriage to work. In my mind I have to do all this DR stuff to better myself but still not damage what we have right now. If it doesn't work out for us, I don't want it to be for something I did or didn't do now. If we do split I don't want to be in a situation where we, as co-parents, remain bitter and nasty and hurt our son even more. I'm not deferring to him but I am taking him into consideration, ultimately for the sake of our S. Our S is the most important thing here. If H is angry at me for what ever reason or vice versa, we negatively impact him.

Walking the tightrope in 4 inch stilettos.

I'm going to see my friends this weekend.

H is... dealing.

He dropped off S this evening and we chatted a little about the situation. I told him I spoke to one of the friends I'm seeing and that she said the OW's H invited himself for the entire weekend. Ugh. H's anger sparked a little when we discussed the situation. H said "he's up to something", "whatever", "I don't want to talk about it".

My fingers are crossed it's a mellow weekend. If not I have options, I can leave when ever I want, I have a voice I can use. Big girl panties here I come. This will be good practice for becoming the woman I want to be.

So on my packing list, tightrope, 4 inch stilettos, and big girl. panties.