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Got ten pages, so time to create a new thread. Warning! This is a long post.

The meaning of the title is what I was discussing at the end of my previous posts. I feel it is time to move on, and start the divorce process. I need the freedom to live my own life without taking H into consideration. I want control of my life, or as much as I possibly can.

These are the issues I have been considering, in a logical way, hopefully:

Friendship - can we continue as friends? I'm not sure it will be possible in the beginning ... friendly, yes, but I don't trust him enough to consider friendship post-divorce. Maybe down the road a bit?

Finances - this is why we cannot be friends too soon, I feel. We're going to have skirt around this issue quite closely. He likes to have the financial control in our relationship, and I want to have my own control. So, once we have all that set up (I would like my alimony to come off automatically) and working smoothly, then we can consider a friendship of sorts.

Our children - taking them into consideration, we have to find a way for them not to take sides, be friendly in situations where we'll both be in their company (I know I will have a problem if he presents a new woman into their lives, and I will have to okay with that)

University - I will have to finish in the next 2 years, and he has promised to pay for it, so I will have to get it done by then. My D19 will also be finishing by then.

Property - we have a house and a condo. I want to sell the house after graduation, so that my D19 won't have to move and be disrupted. The condo is a money-making place, where one of us could live if we were willing to move back to our previous city. I think we should keep it and split the profit of the monthly rent. Once the house is sold, we can split that profit, and go on our merry way, and do whatever we want with the money.

Job - I will find a job, so that I can start to build up my credit. Right now, I have none ... everything is on his name (except the properties which is in both our names, but still has mortgages on them). I have not been able to work since my illness, due largely to the drugs I take. I will try and get off the medication once I graduate, and see if the seizures will come back or not. I feel "dumbed down" since I've been on them, and it takes everything I have to get through my uni courses. Of course, he doesn't understand this, and I feel doesn't really care, so I'm going to have to at least try to keep up a part-time job and study at the same time.

Reflection - thinking back of our marriage, I can see the mistakes I've made (and they're many), but I can also see where, with just a little bit of discussion, difficulties may've been averted. My problem is that I get upset when he won't listen to me, won't take the time for discussing things that will affect my life too. He is too controlling. He won't own up to his part of the problems in our M. He is passive-aggressive, and cannot have a normal conversation about the bumps in our M. His feelings come and go, and he's not very loyal or strong emotionally speaking. Yet, he can't seem to let go, so I have to do it for him. He seems to want me in the background, submissive, accepting of his lifestyle, while not considering the affects it has on me. He's not supportive, yet he can be generous with money to me and the kids. Yet, that is not so important to me ... I want him to be with me, be interested in me. So, finally, I see that he's definitely not into me in any romantic sense, so I have to let him go. I've known this since we left our old city. I knew I was jumping into a pit of snakes, but I hoped he would stay true to his word. This futile hope that I kept in my heart was just that ... futile and ridiculous. He's never going to be the man he was. He is lost to me, and I don't like or love the man he's become. I am thinking more clearly then ever about our R. Yes, he is "great" guy, as my friends point out, but they don't have to live with him. He is interested in their lives, and they don't see his indifference to me. Fortunately, I've been detached for quite a while now. I know I will shed many tears over the divorce, mainly over what could've been, and I already feel like a failure at not keeping my H happy. But, I know that's his failure too, whether he knows that or not. I tried all that I could. I have persevered for so many years. I can finally walk away knowing that I tried my best.

Still, I will not lock the door to reconciliation. While there is life there is hope. If he wanted to reconcile, he would have to do a lot of work on himself. I will not go back until he realizes what he truly did and what has been lost. I doubt he has it in him. But the door will remain unlocked until/if I meet someone who really loves me for who I am.

What I would want in a new R (which could be H too, if his true nature returns) - trust, loyalty, kindness, being open and honest with each other, have a freaking sense of humour for pete's sake (my H has lost his), I want to laugh again, just for the sake of it, for the pure joy of it. Love of course, but the kind that is long-lasting, that doesn't fade when I do something wrong. Be able to talk to each other about anything without taking offence. Won't be a problem if he's tall, and handsome-ish, not a pretty boy type. Someone who will be on my side always as I would be on his. Someone who will want to be with me because he likes me. Not a smoker (sorry, I cannot handle the smoke and the smell). Financially secure. Interesting personality, in that he has led an adventurous life and likes to share the stories and the continuing adventures. Intelligent and educated. Brave. Spiritual. Not try and control each other - I feel very trapped right now, and need to untie myself if I want to be my authentic happy self.

If all this is a tall order, then I'd rather be alone, and have lots of friends. This is what I had with my H until he became attached to porn, then the OW. Now he's just this complaining, unhappy person, who cannot see the joy in life (from my perspective ... with friends, he's still good ol' H ... he keeps a good front, and only I see the cracks, it seems).

Here's to the future for all of us (lifting a glass with pink bubbly wine)... may we find peace, happiness, love, freedom from pain and sadness. Let's live in gratitude, and without fear.

Old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2228422&page=10

Being,
I understand all you've been through, and it sounds as if, as I said, the straw broke and you need to move on.

As far as the "friends" bit...isn't that what many MLCers on here ask? And the LBSers are left in disbelief.

I think it's a question that's often asked when one is not ready to let go all the way. If this is what you want, assume that no, your X will not be your friend. When people divorce, they generally go their separate ways. I suppose there are some people who can be friends, but I think there is typically too much history and it's not healthy for either person to remain attached.

Be fair to your STBX. Don't ask him to be friends. It is really a hurtful thing to ask.

Yes, Cheers to the future!

Forward, it's not me that's hoping for the friendship, but my H who I suspect is still in MLC. As I said, friendly is the way I could go. I would never ask him to be friends. He lost that option a long time ago. I'm just trying to figure out how I should act when in his company ... we do have our children in common, so there will be many times where we will cross paths. I'm not angry, or anything, so I can't just not talk to him. I guess this is a "play it by ear" situation.

A friend and I went to see the movie, Hope Springs, tonight. Good movie which brought out a lot of situations that I can identify with. I had the same "fantasy" as the wife, for example. (I don't want to give away the story.)

Why do they lose their sense of humour in all of this. I had a dream the other night about xh and we were laughing together about something ridiculous, like we used to, and now he doesn't find anything amusing.

In fact I sent him a link some months back to a Garrison Keillor broadcast I thought he might enjoy, and he mailed back saying he didn't feel like listening to it!!. He used to really enjoy this guy.

I think emotional availability is hugely important.

Fwiw, I used to think in the early days that a MLC spouse who didn't run hard and fast was preferable. I have changed my view. The beginning is very raw without them, but I honestly think it is harder having a MLCer around then gone. I do not think I could do as you have done, and I admire it.

BM, I think this is where we really need to take into consideration that this person may or may not be the person that we originally left.

Play it by ear is absolutely right. The cognitive dissonance of seeing someone how physically is an exact duplicate of our our spouse, sets us up to interact with them as we did our original spouse.

Getting past THAT ^^^^^^ and doing your best to treat this person like a total stranger, may be key. No, not as in "don't talk to strangers", rather realize, you do not know this person, so you are, for all intents and purposes, getting to know this person for the very first time.

Add to that they have their past memories of us which will cause them to behave as if we DO know them... creates an odd sitch.

What would you do with a stranger? How would you get to know them?

whoa... that's the problem with typing when still half asleep in the morning...

"... this person may or may not be the person that originally left us."

You can be friendly and/or civil in his presence, but he doesn't look at being "friends" the same as you do. You've been in a very tough situation for a long time. Your h has been the "stay at home" mlcer and it's been a long and difficult road for you because when he's home he's physically there, but not emotionally or mentally.

It's okay to leave the door ajar and hope that he will one day want to reconcile, but you need to find a way to just leave it ajar and start living your life for you and only you.

My hat's off to you for staying and putting up w/his behavior all of this time. To be honest, I couldn't have done it. Just remember...only you can determine when you've had enough and want to move forward on to a different life.

KD - yeah, I got your meaning ... I wish they could bring the edit button back.

Snodderly - I don't think I could've done it if he weren't traveling most of the time. I kinda lived a fantasy single life without actually being so. Then, I also was at uni, while battling the cancer. So, I really didn't have a lot of time to spend worrying about my M, although it was always in the background, sometimes coming to the fore when I would journal here or occasionally freak out, usually during breaks from uni or when he was home. hehehe

But, now I'm ready to move on. No more considering any R. Just get the heck outta the M, and see what happens. It's almost like diving into the cold Atlantic of my home country .... takes your breath away, but once you're used to it, it's fun to play in the waves and swim around.

Thanks y'all for your comments ... really appreciated.

Beatrice - the sense of humour thing really gets to me. One can get through anything if you can still laugh and see the funny in things.