Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Divorced. My fault, and cant move forward

MrB and Cadet - can I ask for your personal stories? You guys seem to really know what you are talking about - just curious I guess. I do appreciate your advise, as well as others of course.

Mrs D...I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but I am going to be blunt with you. Stop tryin to contact exH, don't make your son contact him knowing you will talk with exH, stay off of facebook (I thought you deleted it), stop asking about your exH or his gf to friends.

What you need to be doing right now is concentrating on YOU. You need to fix yourself. You won't do yourself, your exH, or your son any good if you don't concentrate on you. Your old marriage is over. Nothing you can do about that. What you can do is fix yourself and see if your exH can fall in love with the new you. But you aren't there yet. You can't run until you can walk.

I don't know if you will end up together with your exH..But I do know that if you listen to the people on this board, you will end up a better person, happy, and loving life.

Brian

I forgot one thing...Go out and GAL...It really helps take your mind off of things.

Hey Brian - I dont think I have my son contact my Ex in hopes of talking to him. He calls him nightly to wish him good night - he hands the phones to me, either after my Ex asks to speak to me, or just by doing it. Never have I said - hey, I want to talk to Dad. Never. My friends are also the ones that have told me what is going on. I have asked them to stop. I know he is dating. I dont need to know anything more.

Also - yes I did delete FB - just reactivate every now and again to check my daughters page. I made a mistake Friday night - I know this.

I am in therapy to help me be a better person. Its just so hard to detach from the whole situation as I have read many that are having the same issues. Im GALing. Some. Im focusing more on my son, because he is very hurt through this process and really wants his family together as well. We actaully GAL more together than anything to be honest..

Please dont take that Im responding back to you harshly. Just caught me off guard that you think Im using my son as a pawn - and that is so far from the truth.

So I had no communication today with ExH. Which is a good thing, I know. Its easier when you are so busy at work that the thoughts of him that enter my mind don't last long. Took my son to the truck pulls tonight at the fair. We had fun. He came home, asked to call his Dad, and he doesnt answer. My son leaves a message, but I can tell he is hurt. This happens almost every Tuesday and every Thursday. How can I protect him from this hurt he may be feeling? I have said something to ExH before, explaining that his son should be priority before the GF. Its a two minute conversation. When he has our son, I go out of my way to make sure I tell him goodnight. It just frustrates me the look in his face when he has to leave a message. IDK. Maybe Im wrong his child should come first?

On a side note. Tuesdays and Thursdays seem to be my worst nights of sleep. Because I am sure they are together. I know Im not helping myself any thinking of them, but it sometimes is just hard not to when a person is wide awake. Attempting sleep again....

MrsD.
What post are you looking for, I probably have it copied to my journal and can paste it for you

The post from a WAW to me. It's about how the hurt does not go away so easily. How it takes time, lots of it, to heal. Ring a bell?

I can't find it. You probably read it in one of 25MLC's posts to someone else.

I actually copied it and pasted it into my journal so i'd have it to read easily without looking. Here it is.


FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO REALLY HAS CHANGED - AND WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT COME HOME YET-

AND HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM….

When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M. I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than. -

One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H.

Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes.

So, I can see where your W is coming from. When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your S - and those uncertainties/hurts that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.

Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time.

And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.

Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H

and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope.

You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.


****And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to "WIN".***

Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to win.

Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her and you actually just want to win, you'll put her through hell.

Thanks to you both - Im trying to search for it as well. I was the WAW at one time - our marriage ended in divorce. Nothing that I ever wanted, but didnt know what steps to make it better. Now - hes the WAH with a GF. Was curious about reading it.. Thanks again for taking time to respond.