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Hey zig-

I don't think its mind reading if you start recognising patterns....and it seems from your descriptions that you are recognising some pattern in his behaviours.

Am glad you feel so much better. I too sometimes feel like I try ad push my agenda with my kids because of my own want and 'plans' etc, .you are right - sometimes we need to focus on what they want and give them their own so ace from us as well.

Hope you are having a great day ((( )))

thanks busting. i am going to be much more mindful of s's needs, let alone h's.

during meditation this morning, before i called h - this sentence came into my mind and suddenly i felt one more layer of release:

what's the point of him being here if he doesn't really want to be?

and then it was like boing - i applied that to h also - and i felt so much more okay. really, if one thinks about it (or has everyone except me thought that already? ), what is the point of h being here if he doesn't really want to be?

i suddenly felt so pragmatic - never had been capable of pragmatism before, and almost couldn't stand it in other people - but hey, it's very useful in this sitch!!

hope you had a great day busting

zig

journaling:

i've had a pretty lucrative day designing today and came up w/ 3 really sweet designs, that made me feel so much more confident about what i am getting into here.

on the H front - couple more interactions - he stopped by to pick up some stuff, parked himself in a chair on the deck and we chatted for over 20 mins - he told me of some shows that were coming up for him (well after i teased him that was he going to keep that kind of stuff from me now or what)

he's "very stressed out" - has to start teaching next monday and isn't ready, and has 4 shows he has to drive the work to by friday, and i think he has a ton of meetings this week.

i offered to help if he needed it - in a very friendly relaxed way and he said he wished i could but they were all things he had to be at himself. then he said i wish i could hang out and chat but i have to be at school in 15 mins and left.

then tonight - calls at 9.30 and leaves a message asking if he can bring the stuff back here!!!!!

i thought of you KD

last time that happened, we did you know what!!

but very luckily for me, i was sitting out on the deck and missed the call !!

i did call him back but unfortunately (oh, too bad, evil grin!!) he was almost back at in-laws and it would have been too obvious for him to come all the way back here, right?? but he was awful friendly, and kept me on the phone about this and that and then when i heard s's voice in the background said- oh i want to say hi to s and ended it first.

so , an apology and 3 very friendly interactions in one day - and all the while, i'm just calm and cool and my voice is almost lazy and very relaxed talking to him - as in - oh i can take this or leave it, it's not of much importance to me

such a CONTRAST from before when i would be weighing in on every word he or i uttered.i would be waiting for chances to interact with him. such a relief!!!

oh and during this last conversation he brought up that friend who he had gotten all fired up about a couple of months ago and asked me what ever had happened with that and did i manage to resolve it. we talked about it for quite a while (she's the "common enemy" that he has to protect our family from - and i'm going alongwith it - giving him an opportunity to "feel" that family feeling and be protective of all three of us as a unit ;)) i told him how i had dealt with it - very calmly and really well and he actually asked me "so you didn't tell her to go f off and give it to her straight?"

for a minute there i had no idea what he was talking about - it has been so long since i would even consider that, that i don't even see myself as being capable of it any longer, let alone associate it with myself. i just said really casually - oh gosh, no - it;s been a long long time since i felt the need to use anger to get my meaning across"

i think he was testing me. and i know i passed!! hee hee!!

i read something about what it means to be confident today and it helped me to redefine what i am working towards. one of the aspects is that you can make decisions and be okay with them. I'm starting to see how that might feel

and those goals and making the list and working towards them - very very cool when you really put your mind to it. i've gone from thought-stopping successfully about 20% all the way up to 80% - and i think that's why i am feeling so much better

Zig, you sound so good. I am happy for you and the space you're in. It's funny how you've done so much changing that you hardly recognize the old you when the H refers to a now-outdated way of being. Good for you

hi unbidden - haven't seen you around for a while.

funny you wrote - i'm feeling terribly guilty about you know what - really need to get on it!!

how are you doing? well i hope

i like the way you put it about not recognizing the old me. that story with h clinging to his old image of me, is getting old for me now - i don't think he really believes it anymore - it's more just haplessly clinging to it. otherwise if he doesn't what the hell will he do then

i'm feeling a bit audacious tonight i guess

btw - i haven't seen your thread lately - did you move to somewhere else? have to come catch up

zig

Starsky, sigh!!!

sure ,, you trigger me off. the exact same way my h used to - and i admit that openly. in fact, i know this sounds a bit whacko, but i swear you're here to make me figure out a different way to approach you , and that in turn will help me to learn a new way to approach my h.

I'm willing to admit i'm not there yet.

You specifically replied to my post on busting's thread, and i'd like to point out that when i said give it a break i was referring to your last sentence - about how we all know where you stand on being loving and supportive.

Now if you had written that post directly to busting and only talked to her directly, there would have been no response from me

but it's almost as if you WANT to start an argument with me. you're so busy pointing the finger at me and my issues, i can't help but wonder what yours are, that get you so fired up.

if anyone stands up to you - you do one of 2 things: you either ignore them completely or you lay into them big time. you seem to do the second with me pretty often.

and the other thing is when someone points something out to you as i did repeatedly, you ignore that and focus on what they did wrong - which is stood up to you.

and wink or no wink - you might want to think about the fact, that if you were trying to lighten up the whole thing, it may take others a while to catch on. everyone including me is used to you getting pretty fired up about this issue, and honestly i barely noticed the wink because that's not how i see you. i read your words and get the intonation from that.

so if you were trying to lighten things up, by winking, i didn't get it, and i do apologize then for saying to give it a break.

zig

oh and starsky - i hardly think i was ranting. do you really mean that or were you just fired up?

Hey zig, in the online world some things just aren't worth it.

Actually, IRL, too.

Smile and stay true to you.

Hi, Zig, I don't want to interrupt this thing with Starsky so forgive me for the potential hijack. If you're busy, dont worry about you know what. I'm do glad you're doing well and am so proud of your success on the boards. I haven't posted in awhile because I never seem to get many responses. I think it must be my presentation. Last contact I had with H was about a week and a half ago. He stopped by to see me at work. Seemed to agree to MC, we were intimate at His initiation and he dropped me off at the airport for a trip a few days later. Haven't heard from him since. Figure it's part of the distancer/pursuer dynamic somehow. I really don't know.

thanks labug - even while i was responding i was thinking to myself, zig, why are you rising to the bait, this is so ridiculous.

it's something i really need to work on IRL too

i have so much yet to learn about how to relate to people, on line or in my world. maybe i'll reach where you are one of these days. i definitely aspire to your calmness.

i will smile and be true to myself. thank you

how are you doing labug? i hope that you are feeling more peaceful within yourself about where you are at?

zig