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Great, great post, tvs. I can relate to all of it!

hrm, it's the first time I posted on your thread, but I read your stuff from time to time. I appreciate you being honest about how things really are. I just finished 15 minutes of crying as H couldn't come today for our older son's birthday today. We are celebrating tomorrow. But son went to bed crying and he said, "this birthday is even worse than Christmas was!" ouch! So I cried too, S12 was the only one not crying and who knows if he did after we said good night.

I texted H to see if he could call but he was out drinking and had "too many shots"! At least he was up front with me!

These sitches! I like the thought from tvs that years from now these milestones will be insignificant. And, hrm, how nice H watches you even if you don't know what he's thinking and you have to be put together all the time in front of him. You are like a celebrity that always has to be prepared!!!

I have to make a vegan cake tomorrow, too! But peanut butter icing on chocolate cake sounds yummy!

Oh RH, I do know where you are coming from!!!!

My H acted strangely for both sons birthdays this year.

I think these occasions may be a reminder to them about what they are doing and who they are hurting. And they don't like to be reminded.

My H totally checked out for my oldest son's birthday a few months ago. We had family from both sides over, and he was lucky he spoke 2 sentences the entire time. There were times he sat away from everyone just staring off into space.

Once the party was over, he did help me clean up. I thanked him, and he said, " it's the least I can do, I didn't do anything else." Then he got choked up and teary and said, "I'm sorry I'm not a better father." He was genuinely upset.

I feel for you and your children so much. At least mine are young enough to not know what is going on. I know it doesn't make it any better for them, or you, but I bet your H does have guilt for how he's acting. We are just the ones that end up picking up the pieces.

I hope your son does have a nice birthday, and feels loved despite H's antics.

Hrm..I love the way you speak to your H. Telling him how it is but in a loving and non-confronting way. He really thinks about what you have to say.

I find myself tearing up at the most inopportune times too (not in front of H). Its hard when you've got to hold it together most of the time with a live-in MLC'er. Keep strong.

You folks with the live-in MLCer have it so rough! I used to envy you but as I see more what it's like from the posts, I admire your strength and courage. No envy.

I didn't read all your sitch, hrm, about the toothbrush, just some. But I noticed a thing with my H's toothbrush today. Weird, huh? I bought him an extra toothbrush after he moved out so he could have one here if he wants to use it. Today, it's almost five months ago that he moved out, it's the first time he used it! He had acted before like he would be defiled if he used it! Lol! We had a powerful connection in our visit today. Toothbrush related to that? Idk.

Takevowsserious~ The ten year anniversary coming up has been weighing heavily on me. I'm not sure what to do, I think I'll get him a card (not sure what I'll write in it) I don't think I'll say anything to him about it. I would be blown away if he even suggested doing something, or ever made any motion to sleep in our bed with me. I was surprised when he actually slept with his room door open 3 nights last week, but now it's closed again, I swear I didn't do anything. LOL Toothbrush still in holder as of this morning.

On the upside of the anniversary coming up, I've already had several friends offer to do stuff with me. I really am blessed to have so many good friends in my life.

I'm assuming H has cycled again, yesterday he was in another throw stuff in the garage out mood (not sure how he found anything left to throw out). He was making me a bit nervous. He said he had noticed the town wide yard sale was coming up the first weekend of October and wondered if I was partaking because he has some stuff he wants to sell. I told him no I wasn't having yard sales anymore. He said ok. I asked if the items were something we could sell on Craigslist or ebay.... he said he didn't know, he also didn't disclose what the items were, I didn't ask, I have a vague idea(Like his large tool box). I told him to keep me posted.

I kind of thought he may be back in run mode due to the upcoming anniversary, but if he mentioned the yard sale in Oct, that's after then anniversary, so that doesn't mesh with the theory, who knows.

I have no idea what he's up too.... could be cleaning stuff out for his eventual running away... could be cleaning stuff out because he's decided to make it more of his space, I don't know, on the upside I'm oddly not panicking about it. I'm just kind of like ok, here we go again. Maybe T can use his super awesome mind reading powers on this one! Or if anyone else has super awesome mind reading powers they would like to use that's fine too. LOL

reachingHigher~My heart goes out to your son! I'm so sorry his dad couldn't take time out of MLC-land long enough to celebrate that special day with him! I had to laugh at the too many shots thing, I know it's not funny, but it is at the same time..... it's like hello, you are an adult, and not some frat boy, how about you put down the shot glass and go home to your family. Priorities.... wow can MLCer's fvck them up big time!

You said you appreciate how honest I am in my posts, I'm glad to hear that. Honest is the only way I know how to be, and I find it's generally best practice. None of this is easy for anyone, so if I can help even one person in any way then at least some good will have come out of this whole mess.

LOL about the toothbrush, now I'm going to have everyone watching toothbrushes and bedroom doors! It's funny the things they do, I'm sure they are all subconscious things dealing with control and closeness, but if nothing else amusing to track!

It is hard having him here, but I think it's better for me, I'd probably never see him if he left since we don't have kids or pets or anything, but who knows.

Thank you GALbaby ! I hope he does really hear and think about what I say. I know the man who loves me is in there somewhere.... I get glimpses....

Yeah, the tearing up thing is so strange sometimes. I can be totally fine and then enter tears!


Oh, something I found interesting. Downstairs we have a row of three light switches. I was standing there when H was there and he asked, "Which one turns off the sensor lights?" I just looked at him a few seconds before realizing he was serious, then I said, "This one", and flipped the middle switch. I couldn't believe he couldn't remember which switch was for which lights..... guess that's all part of the MLC.

Hi hrm,,

The anniversary card thing is tough, and well, just wierd that we are even asking "What do I write?"...Here is what I wrote in W's card:



Figured not TOO mushy, but said what I wanted (I got that from something I read somewhere with that as the main idea). But I'm a guy, and it is not native to our nature to do the card thing, but I did make it myself...but was still "weird" for me. idk

About H getting rid of stuff...MAYBE he just feels the stuff he is not using is weighing him down, but i do reckon it is a sign of some kind of internal attempt to change SOMEthing, or have control of SOMEthing, since he can't control his job, his thoughts, himself, and so on...kinda like my projects work for me and my sitch. And for a lot of guys, the garage is the sacred space that THEY control, it is like that for me, so when the kids and W dump stuff in it, or mess it up, or whatever, it can feel like I have been invaded (hey, I don't rebuild the lawnmower engine on the dining room table, and I have said nothing about the hot pink sheets on our bed, now have I?... heheh...

As always...WHO KNOWS????? lol...I am so tired of saying that sometimes.

Oh yeah, the memory thing, don't even get me started...just crazy weirdness all around...



T^2

hrm,
If you get an anniversary card, get one that isn't mushy.

The cleaning is another trait of the mlcer. It helps them "control" their environment and they think that decluttering is a way of making change and moving on. They crave change and think that by changing things around, they will feel better. Unfortunately, the decluttering needs to take place in the brain (internal).

I would make sure he's not getting rid of things that you can use later on.

As for the memory...the Mother Ship has taken their memory chips. It's funny how they can remember things that took place 5, 10, 20 years ago, but can't remember much of what took place yesterday.

You've been a lucky lady because he's not gone off the rails like many have. My xh was one of the "true" pod people and I was very happy when he left the home. He was just a very angry and unpredictable person from the start.

Hrm, your humor is helping you each and every day. I admire you for the way that you've been handling your situation. As for the toothbrush...it may be moving again very soon. LOL!

Enjoy your day!

I don't post too often, but wanted to add something concerning "wedding anniversaries".
This week marked what would have been my 43rd anniversary. We have been divorced many yrs after a 29 yr marriage. EX left me for OW he is still living with-no marriage plans that I am aware of , although they have been engaged for yrs.

Several yrs ago, ex and I were on phone concerning a problem with one of our children, when we both realized it was our anniversary. Very uncomfortable moment and then one of us said Happy ex anniversary, to which we both chuckled. Ever since then ex has left a voicemail saying only that he remembers what day it is-that's all he says.

This yrs message was a little different- he called stating that 43 yrs ago at this time we were at the church ,both with knots in our stomach due to nerves and getting ready for the ceremony. He also made a comment about driving to our honeymoon location and wished me a Happy Ex Anniversary!

All the yrs before when he called, it made me happy because I thought somewhere deep down he still cared, but didn't know how to handle it.
This yr-it actually kind of made me mad. My first thought was he is such a cake-eater! The night before he was actually at a ski expo with OW, planning their next yrs ski trips! Then calls me the next day to wish me Happy Ex Anniversary--what is up with that????
How was the ex anniversary celebrated--he was out with OW on their weekly Friday night movie date and I was cooking dinner for our schizophrenic adult son who spends Friday night with me!

Why am I even typing this---because I spent so many yrs reading way more into his "friendliness", than what was actually there.
I think he just wants to be seen as a nice guy, and prove that by being "friends" with ex.
I don't want anyone else to fall into the trap I did.

Thanks all for the anniversary input! I really like to hear other people's experiences, and advice, I really appreciate it!

On the home front H appears to have gone back into hating me mode, I don't know why, I barely see him, oh wait, right, that's right, there was no logic reason for hating me mode to be here anyway. *shrugs* Toothbrush-still in holder, door- being shut, the entire way the last few nights. He's been talking a lot to his mother.... so I'm sure she's planting some evil seeds, I don't know how someone can be so hateful and jealous, wouldn't you want your children to be well adjusted and happily married?? Whatever, God is bigger than her.... and she can have fun answering for all that stuff someday...

On the up side, I'm not taking this personally, I know it's all part of the recycling, par for the course at this point. Interesting how they do the replay cycling, which doesn't change too much (behavior wise) once you've seen one full cycle, be we change how we deal with it and/or perceive it.

I've been keeping so busy this week it's crazy, so I haven't been around the house much, which I think is a good thing. I got to spend some time with my great Aunt who is in from Idaho, and my grandparents. Some of the time was awkward because she asked a lot about H, it's almost like she's knows, but my grandma swears she didn't say anything. I did ok at changing the subject, but for an 82 year old she sure can be persistent! LOL I love her dearly and it pains me to have to bend the truth with her, but I don't want to tell her, she doesn't need to worry. Before I left she told me to tell H hi and she loves him, and she said to share the burritos we made with him. I told her I would.

I wasn't sure if I should say anything to Dear One when he's clearly wearing cranky pants, but I figured, heck why not. When I got home I was holding the plate of burritos and said, " I brought home some burritos, Aunt S wanted to make sure you got some of the ones we made. Aunt S also said to tell H she said hi and she loves him. So I'm just relaying the message, the burritos will be in the fridge." He barely glanced at me, and said icily, ok, thanks.

Whatever, I love him, but I'm tired, I'm not giving up by any means, I'm just not taking his crap personally anymore, yea, go me!

I wish he would just have his Wizard of OZ moment already....

hrm,
The anniversary date is coming up and that could be what has his knickers in a twist. I remember when my xh would get bent out of shape about a week or two prior to a special event. Once the event was over, he would be back to his "nice" self.

As for your great aunt, she senses things and can read people very well. She's been around and I bet she's seen a lot of people go off the rails in her lifetime. It was nice of her to send a message along to your h.

I'm glad to see your sense of humor is still intact and you aren't taking his behavior personally. I wonder if a teething ring would help him? LOL!

He's still got a long way to walk on the yellow brick road before he gets to Oz. Lots of twists and turns that he will need to experience along the way.

Take care of yourself and enjoy yourself...it's important that you keep your sense of humor during all of this.