I also feel awkward when W is around and I know that as we were friends in the past, light convo is important. Just so W has a good time while we're together. If it's always too serious and about logistics, the only time she'll be having fun convos will be with the OM and that's no good. I'll look into the conversation starters.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
My emotions are running full force. I guess this is what love can do to a person. Called S this morning and W answered the phone. Since I blew it the other day I challenged myself this morning in an attempted to have some light conversation with W before I spoke to S. While it was brief, it was good for me. It’s like anything else, the more you do it, the better you get. It’s been a while since we’ve had light conversation. I might make an attempt at it a bit more often however I feel vulnerable in a way, my guards up and keeping it all business has been my standard operating procedure.
W took the initiative to get S on the phone so you could say W ended the conversation first. This is what happens when I put myself out there. Opening up a bit isn’t easy for me. There’s been two attempts at light conversation. Once on our anniversary and this morning. BOTH times W has to bring up finances, go figure. It’s like an obsession for her, it’s always on her mind. I swear it’s like the only thing she thinks about. It’s quite annoying. I am thinking it might be better to go back to my basic method. Just keep it all business and mirror W. If she wants to have light conversation, then I will reciprocate however next time I think I will be a bit more prepared if it comes up. Part of me just shouldn’t care about this type of nonsense that I am writing, but I do! I am analyzing every freakin interaction.
I want to say hi to Acc, Carnac, Denver, Bond, Arsene and everyone else on this board. I hope all of you are doing well. Bond, the way you write reminds me of a lawyer friend of mine. My guess is that you took the bar at one time. Just for itches and giggles does anyone know if my hunch is right?
I also feel awkward when W is around and I know that as we were friends in the past, light convo is important. Just so W has a good time while we're together. If it's always too serious and about logistics, the only time she'll be having fun convos will be with the OM and that's no good. I'll look into the conversation starters.
As you see the interaction, the thought of her will strip your esteem down. It will keep going down, down, down, down till you feel like you can't do anything right around her and even physically more clumsy. It's because a significant "mirror" in your life a "former supporter" is not turned on you.
you need to get support from elsewhere. I went down into a deep dark pit behind what brought me to db-land and let me tell you. People get into a lot of trouble getting taken that low and can even hurt others or themself in the process.
Just be mindful of it. Don't bother to talk about it to her. I take it, we have to accept someone is "gone" when they have decided to be gone and move on. We all got on here in hopes of restoring our relationship, but in order to do a proper 180 and GAL is you have to accept for now and the forseeable future, they are gone.
Her mind and thought process is currently focused on the OM, on how much she loves him, on falling for him romantically and sexually, and it will grow stronger over time. The more of him in there, the less of you are in there. I'm getting you to understand that if you can get it back, it won't be a slow or easy process.
A couple of people on this board have gotten lucky when the OM or OW in itiated violence or put their spouse in harms way, and that woke the spoouse up quickly and they want to come home...
Looks like we're on at the same time. Quite a feat considering I'm probably as for from continental North America as I can possibly be.
I know what you mean about the light convos. I feel like once it gets started, I find myself a few months back. before this whole mess truly began and I forget that we're apart. She never does and it always hits hard when she says or does something to remind me.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
On a slightly more serious note. I need to ask myself why it’s hard for me to have a light conversation with W. It’s not like I am a introvert, far from it. Have any of you struggled with this? I think I know PART of the answer. First, I am an emotional SOB and it’s our anniversary. It wouldn’t take hardly anything for me to lose my composure and start crying like a little sissy. I believe my W wants a strong confident man and to start shedding tears isn’t something I was prepared to do. Also there’s a wall between W and I. We feel like strangers in a way. I didn’t know what to talk about with her! It just seems like the slightest wrong word out of my mouth could cause some issues and I don’t want that. I don’t get many opportunities of this nature, this light chit chat stuff isn’t easy for me.
Rough: First let me start with don't beat yourself up over this interaction. Did you miss an opportunity? I dont have any idea, i can tell you that in my view at least right now any conversation/interaction that isn't bad...is good.
And I wanted to tell you that at least for me, its incredibly nerve wracking to have a conversation with my W right now...and i agree it gets a little easier each time, but its tough b/c you want to make sure every word is correct and we all know thats nearly impossible. Also, and yours sounds alot like mine....when i walk up and the conversation starts im never quite sure what her mood is going to be. I know mine is going to be kind and upbeat....but somedays she matches that and other days she seems to be ticked off that im breathing.....so don't worry about it just keep doing what you do, and if you miss one opportunity another will come along.
She IS obsessed with finances, its the key to your sitch. She wants to come back and she wants it to be safe to do so. Everything you do now is treading water until the finances are straight
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
She IS obsessed with finances, its the key to your sitch. She wants to come back and she wants it to be safe to do so. Everything you do now is treading water until the finances are straight
Absolutely, thank you for the comments about light conversation and finances. Sometimes I need this stuff reinforced and you are very helpful at doing that.
Allow me to chime in, although I'm not nearly as seasoned at advice giving as Accuary, Carnac, and Arsene!
I brought this type of situation up (How hard it is to have a "light" conversation with W in times like these, and how I always feel down afterwords, no matter how "good" I think I did) and he told me something that really hit a chord:
First, as you're so acutely aware of the "situation" you're in, and you're actively working so hard on yourself (hence the future of the relationship) It's natural you'll be a bit "on edge" during any conversation. You're trying so hard to be careful, to apply the lessons you're learning, to "not screw up", etc. Then, you're analyzing the convo over and over again, and if you're anything like me, you're dissecting it a bit too much. All these things make it hard to have a "light" conversation, as your brain is going a million miles a minute! I guess in my situation, since WAW is a couple hundred miles away and our interactions are purely over the phone, it's a little easier for me to write out some goals or notes to refer to when I feel like I'm slipping... I literally never thought I'd find an ADVANTAGE to my W being hundreds of miles away! Thanks for that!
And I hope I'm not projecting here, but once these light conversations are over, and I feel i've done a MOSTLY good job, I always find myself very sad for the next day or so...
IC made another good point here by letting me know that it's these light conversations (which we look forward to) that not only remind you of "when things were good" but also make you acutely aware of our SO's absence in our lives. Remember, as I must constantly remind myself, that this is normal, natural, and a part of the process. Here's to hoping each of us can lean on each other, build on these "light" conversations, and keep progressing forward!
If I had a “light” but lengthy conversation it would be really nice but even harder for me at the same time. It would probably make me miss her more (If that’s possible). Carnac, I believe you got a hug from W the other day. Who initiated that one? I couldn’t even imagine getting the slightest bit of physical affection from W right now, Oh well. Scratch that, I can imagine and I do imagine, haaa. She looks hotter than ever, just like Carnac’s comments about W’s blouse. My W looks so hot. When I am around her I don’t even bother looking at her bottom half in an effort to contain myself.
On another note, I get the kids tomorrow. It’s really good for so many reasons. I love being a dad and there just awesome kids. I've also realized it does a “fairly” good job at getting my mind off my sitch. I noticed Carnac bought coffee and donuts for W the other day, I might have to hijack your idea. I I will be going to the coffee shop anyway to get my coffee and the kids some hot chocolate so it only seems convenient to get W some coffee and donuts since I will be dropping the kids off with her in the am. It’s just a nice and convenient thing to do right? That’s not one step short of pursing, is it?
Me(M):38 W:43 Together: 14 Married: 11 D: 4 S:8 W wanted separation 5/5/12 Stopped living together 5/5/12 Currently DB’ing
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”. Thomas Jefferson
