Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Lots of questions and a good deal of doubt.

Just a few post but here is the link.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...728#Post2265728

New developments as of last night. My W brought my sons over for to visit for a couple hours as I have had to work all week. She dropped them off and staid she was going to the store. At 9:00 PM, an hour after the usually pick up time; she called to ask if I could drive the boys home since she had been drinking and didn't want to drive them. I was a little upset. I did not raise my voice or lose my temper. I simply told her that when she is responsible for the boys this is unacceptable.

When she got to the house she could tell I was mad and at first seemed very indignant. Then she broke down. She said that watching the boys by herself is too much pressure she feels like she gets no free time. She has to be the "responsible one". She said "sometimes I just want to run away". Then she asked me not to be mad at her. I stated that I was a "little mad". She broke down again and told me she was "miserable". I simply acknowledged what she said and gave sympathy where I could. Then she went to my bed and lay down and cried. I asked if she was ok, she nodded, so I left her alone and went to entertain the boys. After a while she came out sat down with me and the boys looked into my eyes like she wanted to say something. I wanted badly to comfort her, but thought it wasn't the best choice.

At first I seriously considered making her call her mom, with whom she is staying, to pick up the boys since she couldn't drive. Then I thought about what I would do for a friend who had one too many. The answer is, drive them home. Maybe not the right choice, but this whole thing caught me off guard. This is her ONE free pass.

At the car she said she was ok to drive. I could tell she wasn’t (still stumbling a little bit). I told her I would take her car to her parent's. At first she said no, and then I said I would trade cars at the gas station across the street from her neighborhood to which she agreed. She said she didn't want to "give mom another reason to yell at me (her)". I slipped and asked "about what", she said” about anything". This is the second time she has mentioned her mother possibly "yelling" at her. Strange. Not my business. She gave me a hug before we left, first time in over a month, and when I dropped her at the gas station she thanked me and I said your welcome and left.

I don't want to seem controlling, I was thinking about the safety of my boys. I wasn't trying to rescue her, as I would do the same for a friend.

To be honest, it made me feel a little better to see a crack in her armor. This is the first talk about her being "miserable". I know that is wrong, oh well, made me feel a little better. I am not the only one hurting.

I don't know if I should have comforted her more or backed off more. I know I am not supposed to get angry, my children come first. I think she was more emotional because she had been drinking. I don't know how much was truthful, and how much was her feeling bad because she screwed up.

She did take notice of a couple of my 180s without any prompting from me.

There it is. Helps me to put it in perspective when I write it out. Any thoughts are welcome.

Your wife is in a huge turmoil right now.

You did not break her and you can not FIX her.
Nothing you do one way or the other is going to make that much difference to your wifes journey right now.

Let her go on her own but if you need to protect your children then I would rescue, defend, protect or do anything that is needed.

They are your priority right now.

Please stick to one thread until 100 posts as it is much easier to keep track of later down the line.

Keep detaching, posting and learning.

Thanks Cadet. You are right.

One of my long term goals is to be a better father. Spend more time with my boys. Take them more places, zoo, parks, Science center, etc. See them more often. This will be hard as I work a lot.

I know that my W has to figure this out on her own, the other night was just a little confusing. As I said at least it seems I am not the only one who is hurting. Not nice I know, but certainly makes me feel a little better.

Detaching is probably the hardest part. My sich is on my mind all the time. I am working on staying busy with my goals and doing things to keep my mind off the sitch. I am also working on making sure my goals are my own and not things to "win my W back". I have to remind myself frequently that I am doing these thing for me.

I certainly appreciate all the knowledge on this board. All of the vets that post for people like myself. So many of our sitchs sound so similar that all the advice seems practical. I hope everybody gets to a better place.

BTW a little more info.
Me:27
W:30
S1: 3y/o
S2: 7 m/o
M:3 years
T:6 years
Walked out: 5/15/12

So told my W I wanted the boys tonight and tomorrow. I am doing this for myself and my boys, I guess I was hoping for more response from her.

Not having expectations is hard. I was hoping to get a more positive response. Dumb me, right? Now that I know she will have a night on her own I am trying not to think about what she will do with it. I am at work and we are slow so now I have time to think about things. I like to stay busy.

I want to detach. I want to be able to move on with my life, let her make her decision. I want to not care what she does because it s*cks to think about. I can't stand the doubt. I have to get a better attitude before I take my sons tonight.

The sad part is before the S I had no problem being on my own. I have always been the type of person to do things by myself and meet people along the way. I still am some what, but these things are always in the back of my mind waiting to surface the moment I have nothing better to do.

Question for some of the Vets.

Recently I have been question if I am talking to much to my W. Don't get me wrong I am not initiating contact, begging, or any other major no no. Just talking.

For example yesterday I had my sons and they engaged in their first brotherly game of chase. The 7mo old was chasing the 3y/o. I though it was pretty funny and when my wife arrived I told her about it. It seemed that the extra conversation moved my W along to leave faster.

I am confused as to how much conversation is too much. Is it a case of "don't speak unless spoken too"? Should I go "dark" unless it is something to do with the kids? Remain mysterious about everything?

It seems like friendly conversation would be ok. I don't know.

I forgot to mention the other day when my wife said she is "miserable" she also let me know that she is going to a temp service. I found that strange as she has a bachelors and is certified to be a teacher. When we first met teaching K-6 is all she wanted to do. Now it seems she is so lost that she doesn’t want to carry through with her life goals.

I know peoples goals change but you have to wonder. There is a lot of talk on here about WAS being just as lost as the LBS. I guess there is some truth to that.

I have heard a lot of talk from some of the veterans about considering your marriage over. I am wondering if that truly makes it easier to detach?

By considering your marriage dead do you act as if you have already gone through the D? Do you treat your S as if you will never get back together? I just wanted to see if I could find some clarificaton.

I am keeping my kids again tonight. I am thinking the best way to get through this is spend as much time with my sons as possible. Unfortunately, W and boys will be going to the beach with her family for a few days so I don't get to see my sons this weekend. But I guess I can spend some time doing what I want.

The downside is I don't get to see them every day. But in a positive light I can spoil them rotten and not have to deal with the consequences.

Reading DR over again. This time I am taking it step by step. Last night I wrote out my marriage goals to help me track any progress.

It certainly dosen't seem to be moving forward at all. Nothing significant to report. W and kids went to the beach with her family. I guess it is just me for the next few days.

I wonder if there will ever be a R. Is she too far gone? I wish I would have found DB sooner. On a positive note there has been no D talk. I guess that's something.

Mod:

Just wondering why this post never moves forward? Seems it stays here in lost in the middle.