Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Hi, all of you

DoubleAA,

Reading your post it's obvious that your wife is just as confused as you ( a good thing I would argue ) however you MUST Keep up with the DB principles and GAL. She IS noticing these changes in you, but you MUST have patience.

Your sitch didn't happen overnight and the remedy will not come about overnight.

FF999

What is setting you off to make your day bad?

And hopefully some others will come along as well.

First off you have to calm down. In order for her to regain her trust in you, it will take awhile.

Read Divorce Remedy immediately. This will help make sense of what your W is doing.

Now what is your marriage history? Give us as much detail as possible. Besides the not paying her attention, what other issues were wrong in the M?

Okay I’ll start this by saying……

1) It AINT over till it’s over!


Now please take a step back and breath….I can see in your post that YOU feel that something you say or do is gonna snap her a** back to reality. It may….just not NOW. It will be YOUR ACTIONS that do most of the talking.


Been there^^^ done that. Okay so you messed up – get over it and get over it NOW. You made a common mistake that many people do…okay you know that now…so do better. How does one do better you must asking? IMO, you find out more about YOURSELF – YEP – NOT HER – YOURSELF. You spend sometime trying to find WHO YOU ARE and what are the things YOU WANT in YOUR life.

Brother…I have been where you are…I suspect (and I could be wrong) that YOUR GAL is ONLY to get her back. Wrong reason to GAL IMO. You should be GAL’ing for YOU. TO do stuff for YOU.


This is a tough one….on one hand I say it may keep you closer, on another hand she is having her cake and eating it too. Not to mention the risk you take by her sleeping with someone else. Look man, I think you need to be real with yourself and ask yourself if YOU feel comfortable with her sleeping with YOU and someone else. I am not hear to tell you what to do..but what I will say is that there will come a time buddy when YOU will not tolerate it. That does not mean that you are become an as* - nope it means that YOU respect YOURSELF enough to not allow it. IMO, your not there yet.



SHE, SHE, SHE, SHE, SHE…….why does SHE DEFINE the rules for YOUR life? Your comment of not trying to convince her was good. YOUR ACTIONS buddy will do that….not YOUR words. Oh…and STOP admitting to her that your “not here to hurt her” – stop admitting your PAST (past being the key word) mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes. The more you remind her of YOUR mistake the more SHE will remember them.


1) you cant fix HER but you can fix YOU. So focus on YOU, focus on where YOU went wrong and FIX that.


YOUR words won’t matter (not now) but YOUR actions will. Her comment to me appears to be a hint to stop trying to talk your way out of this.


In some ways YOU probably were a GOOD husband and in other ways you were not. Stop for a second and realize that YOU are NOT all that bad. Many times the WAS will spew crap to justify HER actions. Listen VERY CLOSELY to her complaints and they determine which ones YOU want to fix for YOU and ONLY YOU.


I have two boys myself and although you may see things a certain way RIGHT NOW…they will be different in the future – that much I can assure you. They will be different regardless of what happens in your R. Now….your boys are gonna watch you, they will learn to be men from YOU (not her)….so what kind of man do YOU want to be AA?

I am taking my boys to the movies today so I will not be on but I will check on you tomorrow….in the interim I want you to consider doing the following (yes it is homework)…

1) read my thread…all of them (it’s ugly)
2) post all of the things about yourself that you do not like and want to change
3) post all of the things about yourself that you DO like
4) post some of the thing that you want to do for YOU (and only YOU).

God Bless,
Eric (and hey I’m Rican so I can relate on a latin thang)

Hi, I have already read the DR Book, and it makes much sense now of what W is doing.

Me and W have been together for 10 Years. I am 36 yrs old, she is 42. We are not married since when I met her she was separated from her H. We started living together right away and really connected. She has 4 boys, 2 of them alreday out the house and with families of their own. The 17 yrs old recently moved out to because he could not handle the pressure of us fighting all the time. The youngest is 13 and does not know how to react.

We would talk about us getting married, but we never made it a priority for her to get divorce first. Also, we were scared that by getting married it would be a death trap and would not last.

We have been together for 10 yrs now, and separated 2 months ago.
As I stated before, I used to work long hours to give my family everything they needed. That is one of the main concerns for our separation. Basically, that is what she complains about the most, that I spent so much time working that I had neglected her.

Well, here is how I am. I am pretty stubborn on my ways, and most of the time do not see or hear what the opinion of the other poeple. This of course created a lot of conflicts,and arguments. When we argued, it was always me who would start yelling and screaming. Not a very pleasent husband to have around.

I have been trying to change that kind of behavior for many years now, and have made some progress. I started going to church time ago, and with the help of God, I managed to control my self more often.

Now, my W has had a real hard life. 1st H left her with her two children and used to beat her up. She was 19 when that happen,
2nd husband (she married to this guy) was al nice and everything, but he is a drug addict and does not supports his children. When I met W, she was alredy separated from 2nd husband, but I do not really know for how long.

W has always tried to impress her mom since she was a little girl. The mom has always prefered her other daughter over her.
This has created many emotional problems on my W. I have seen her cry, get angry and do so many things because of this. I do not know if this info will help in understanding W.

At the beggining we both used to work, but she used to support the house since I was going to college. That lasted for 2 years, then I started helping her with the family expenses. Eventually, we both were working but I was taking all the responsability to support the family. The last two years, W was not working and I was supporting the house by my self. We have moved to in the years from one home to a more expensive home. I started to work real long hours, and thinking that it was ok, since I was providing for my family.

For the past 3 years that has been my life. W started to ask for me to stop working that much and move to a less expensive house. I did not want to, she wanted to plan a vacation, but again I was to busy at work.

I was her "everything". She would do anything to please me, and I would too, but as a I said, I got so busy working and believing I was doing everything for them.

She started doing stuff by herself about 8 months ago, like going walking or exerscing. That really did not bother me because she would be home by the time I got home. That started to change bit by bit, but the major change came about 3 months ago when she met a friend she had not seen for years. They started talking to each other and eventually going out to walk, etc. Nothing that would turn a red light on, but that is when W started coming a bit late everytime. I reacted by confronting her about her friend and of course W got defensive. A lot of arguments about it.

After several times going with friend she started coming late more and more. Eventually, she was not coming home until next day.

After about 3 months of this she met OM thru her friend. We were on the brink of separation. I found out she was having EA with this OM, and eventually became physical.

I moved out the house about 2 1/2 months ago. The day I moved out I begged her to not let me go, but I finally picked up my self and moved out. I did not contact her, but it was her who contacted me a week or so later. It was for something really stupid, the dogs needed food. From that day we have had more comunication. I have tried to follow the DR book as much as I can, but I am getting more and more confused with her behavior.

As I have stated, on the previous posts. We have been intimate on several occations and that makes it very difficult for me to detach.

Please, give me some insight and ask specific questions, that way I can go back and see things that were also wrong that I am not seeing at this moment. Thanks.

I think you may have cross posted with Eric,
he is giving you great advice.

What you are talking about sounds like cake eating.
So if you are sleeping with her are you using protection, cause if she is sleeping with someone else then so are YOU.
Could be dangerous to you health.

Keep posting and asking questions.

Yes make sure you check out Eric's advice right above your latest post.

eric,

Thanks for your reply.. Firt of all thank you for the great advice "It AINT over till it's over! Brings the hopes back.

I started GALing days before our separation and before reading the DR book. But when I read the book, it made feel good, but also made me realize it is a weapon to get W back with actions besided doing it for my self. I guess I am doing it for both reasons. What do you think?

Your second approach to intimacy is pretty tough to answer. I am not comfortable with her sleeping with someone else, but at the same time I feel like I am paying this guy with the same token. I also feel this is really stupid because I am not focusing on my self. As you mentioned it, I need to realize that I should not be tolerate it. Again, pretty tough to detach since it makes me believe she wants reconcile. Right now there is too many emotions going on, and I need to get a grasp of my self. Any advice how?

When she told me she needed to fix the situation, she meant that she needed to make a decision if she wanted to get back in the relationship and start working together. What do you make of this? I want to believe that she is struggling with her self too, and does not want to detach completely. Again, I feel really stupid, since I believe she is just playing her cards to keep me around.

It is a good advice. I will make the effort to stop putting any more blames on my self, that way I will stop remainding her about it. Thanks for that..

Yes, agreed.. I can not fix anybody but me. I am doing so, little by little, but it is a long road. I am learning to have patience, something that is really hard to do since I am the kind of person that wants results by the moment.

Now, she is the one who brings the conversation of fixing this situation, or that she is really scared of coming back. Everytime we see each other, she tells me she is afraid of coming back. What should I think of it? Is she really scared? or just making excuses?

I also agree on that. I was a good husband on many aspects. I took care of her in many ways. I am not that bad of Dad either, I have always been there for my kids even when their biological father is not. And yes, her excuse is that we were already torn apart and that she tried everything and that is why she moved on.

Regarding my kids, I hope they do see my positives and keep them as reference. I also hope they see my wrongs and learn from them.

Thanks again for your time.

Okay so is she now still seeing the OM? Does he come over? Are you paying for the home? Does she work at all?

In the meantime...since it's getting to be end of day, read Eric's threads click on the name and clicks posts...find his first ones check them out. It will give you perspective and kill some time.