Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Need To Detach, But How?

awww... I was so hoping you would go for the brick thing... nobody seems to go for the brick thing...

Yes, NC is probably a good thing. Until you know that you can engage your W in convo where you either a) listen and validate, or b) listen and validate...

Well, the brick thing was appealing but I don't want to break my glasses. I don't have the money to replace them. As far as any kind of convo that involves listening and validation I have tried to engage W in such a conversation but it always ends with us fighting and one of the two of us storming out in anger or tears.

lol... i have glasses too... i know what you mean... i'd not just be risking money, but my sight, as well...

Please hear me. I am having fun because I know you are beating yourself up over this. You just have to learn it, I don't need to 2x4 you with it... (don't wanna break your glasses)

If you were listening, validating, and then leaving the convo... it is very possible neither of you would have been storming out in anger or tears...

We can go back and forth on that... and it's not to say you might be frustrated at first... in the end, you'll possibly value listening and validating as you will learn so much about what makes your W tick... she'd be like putty in your hands...


NC it is...

How long?

BTW, here's a hint...

You can practice listening, validating and leaving the convo right here, on this site...

Thank you KD. I understand you believe I should listen to my W, validate my W's feelings, and leave the convo...

* Mr. Bodine then leaves the building, closing the door quietly on his way out *

I am thinking that I will start at a month. I wish I could go for less time then that, particularly since I would like to be ab;e to reconcile before the court takes up the petition on or just after October 22nd. However you are absolutely right, I do have a lot to learn before I am even close to ready to move in that direction. I do appreciate the advice and the help. I will take all that you have said into consideration and I thank you for the help.

I know you are scared right now, and it's only natural to be scared.

But engaging in convos like that seems like pursuit. Your wife needs space to miss you. So read Sandi's 37 rules again. You need to avoid all R talks for now (only validate where necessary).

When you give her way more space than she needs, she will start to re-think her need for space. It's counter-intuitive, but it works

Also, giving yourself a timeline for R only adds pressure to the sitch. Try to avoid doing that

I know that adding a timeline creates added pressure. I just can't help it though. She is already dating and I am afraid that I will lose her forever if I can't fix things before the divorce becomes final. I am prepared to deal with that possibility if it comes to that; however I don't think that I could be happy with myself if I didn't do everything in my power to try and put things right. My problem seems to be that panic is setting in and I am letting my fears override what I know I should be doing.

That is understandable.

You DO have a choice...

You can allow panic to override logic and that can allow you to do pretty much anything to try to stop the D and convince your W that she needs to stay with you...

And if you choose that route, that's OK. In the sense that it is very normal and natural and hey... sometimes, that works...

Yet, that's probably not a M that either you or your W would want to be in, if it DID work...

In the mean time, you can work through the pain and loss of an M that is now dead...

And stay on a DB path... and maybe... as you work on yourself and become and even better person... better father... and likely a better partner...

Your W may choose not to be a fool...

Just because your W is dating doesn't mean she'll find someone remotely as good as the man you are becoming...

And just because the D process has begun, does not mean it will be stamped...

I did have another text convo with W this morning that she initiated. I started out trying to validate and just stay neutral but it ended up not going so well. Perhaps you could evaluate what I did right and what I did wrong and give me more pointers. Here is the relevant parts.

Me: Is your mom going to be at the house today? I would like to give her the money back since I was not supposed to keep it. It would not have been enough to take you to the movies anyway because I only kept $4 and that is how much one ticket costs at the new theater. I thought they were going to be $2 each.
Her: Seriously? This is what you want to talk about?
Me: Yes. I don't want there to be anymore friction between us then there already is. I am sorry that I upset you.
Her: No. You are not.
Me: I understand that you think I am not sorry. I really did not mean to upset you.
Her: Yes you did.
Me: I understand that you think I did. I understand that you are upset so I will talk to you about this another time.
Her: Just like Friday and yesterday. You think I will relent if you upset me enough. Talk about what?
Me: I understand that you think I am trying to upset you and pressure you into taking me back. I am sorry that I made you feel that way. I will talk to you about giving your mom the money back another time.
Her: Whatever, You understand nothing because if you did you would stay out of my business and sign the papers.
Me: Actually I do understand how you feel; I understand a lot better than you think. However I cannot keep having the same fight with you over and over again. So please do not try and pull me back into it.
Her: Whatever.
Me: What is whatever?
Her: Just that. I am not in your business. I did not say anything to the bishop* about you, like you did about me. AND, you do not know what you are talking about when you did.
Me: What did I say about you to the bishop? How am I in your business.
Her: Whatever.
Me: I'm sorry but that doesn't tell me why you are upset.
Her: It is not your business. Just sign the papers.
Me: First of all it is my business what I supposedly said or did that has you upset; just like it's my business why you needed my mailing address. Secondly I will not sign the papers. If you really want this divorce then that is fine, but I will not let you bully me into giving you an out for the guilt that you feel for doing it. Finally, when you are prepared to discuss things with me like an adult rather than like a middle school student who refuses to say anything but whatever and it's none of your business then I would be happy to talk to you. Until then I will say hello when I see you but I have nothing more to say to you.
You can tell me all you want what a horrible person I am, but if you tell me it is none of my business why I am then I have to believe that the problem is in you and not in me.
Her: Can I count on that? Seriously, guilt?
Me: Yes, guilt. It is the only reason I can fathom that you filed for divorce but keep pushing me to be the one to end things, either by signing the papers or by going off with some other woman. Unless there is another man, and I don't believe that is the case. And yes, you can count on it. Just give me a schedule of when you are going to bring the kids by and all you will have to here from me is hello and good bye when you drop them off. At least until you are ready to talk to me more.

At this point I turned my phone off so I don't know what more, if anything, she said after that. There are points that I think I did try and validate her emotions. Perhaps I should not have tried to apologize for causing what she was feeling but to be honest I am a very empathetic person and if I make someone upset I want to make them feel better. That is one of the reasons I struggle so much to detach, because I know W is hurting, that I caused it, and I want to fix it. I know I screwed up when I said she was acting like a middle school student, even though it is exactly how my son that is in middle school acts. I probably should not have said that she was trying to bully me into signing the papers even though I feel that is a correct analysis of what she is doing. Being a skinny geeky kid growing up I have been bullied enough to recognize when someone is bullying me.

Thoughts, suggestions, critiques?