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There's another book called How to Fix your Relationship without Talking about It, that gives good insight on communication.

Just know that you've been married a very long time and your wife has already seen once that your changes didn't stick (I had the same thing happen with me). You have to choose your course and hold steady. That's why I say the changes have to be driven by you wanting to become a better person, not just to get your W back.

Patience of Job ring a bell?

Hey farmer... good you've laid off the sauce... I got myself out of that cycle 25 years ago after back to back blower and then refusal. Realized I was following a bad path... That's all you'd need is to get yourself in trouble with the law, or otherwise harming yourself, because of it...

I was a little more... assertive... with one of my shoulders... I told her that I would not engage in any romance with her (because I do actually believe she was heading in that direction)... pissed her off and we don't speak much, now... but I am OK with that because it was a place I didn't want to go with her, and she was just getting M too and I believe she was having second thoughts... like I say, better that way...

But to finish on that thought, just so you know, my W accused ME of an A. Mind you, it could have been retaliatory language because of the... less then innocent situations I found my W with (in person and in pictures) a person I call OM1. But in the same token, I can see how she really could have perceived my own relationship with female friends as an emotional affair...

Some advice elsewhere will actually stress having a support group consisting ONLY of members of the same sex... but I'll tell you, and others here have indicated they've noticed the same... while not physical, that transferred connection from your spouse to the support group can often appear and feel the same as an EA, regardless of the sexual orientations...

Anyhow, just putting that out there...

And so that brings me to the "you may never know nor get an apology" thought...

A year and a half after finding my W in an extremely questionable situation with OM1, I am not entirely sure there was anything physical. Now you will find many here, and I certainly agree, say that cheaters lie and liers cheat... If the affair partner says they talked... they probably hugged... if they hugged, they probably kissed... if they kissed... well, you get the idea...

But again, regardless of that... Unless you KNOW... have real, solid proof like pictures... then you'll never really know. The pictures I have, especially given the context, but even otherwise... are not condemning, but certainly questionable behaviour for a married woman in my book, and the books of others who have seen them...

But... in the mind of my W, she really thinks that she did nothing wrong because a) they are all just friends, and b) she did not FEEL married... which really ends up being an academic discussion on the technicalities of vows and a legal document...

But it really is about HER truth, which was that in HER mind, we weren't M... so she was free to pursue what ever relationships she wanted with anyone... therefore, she has nothing to apologize for...

I really believe that is an important message for a betrayed partner to understand. WE feel M... technically we ARE M... but there is a reason why the affair partner emotionally left the M and then pursued an A... at least, generally speaking... because there ARE those who have an affair and know they are doing wrong... that's a very different can of worms that I don't think fits in your sitch...

It doesn't feel good to be betrayed. It will be up to you to decide whether you can forgive that...

But take it out of the context that you see it... as a betrayal of an M... Bring it into the context of a group of friends... school kids... all hanging together... your buddy knows you like that chick... and she knows you like her... and you've been on dates... but you know that, for a moment at least... she and he were kinda, sorta hangin'... does that mean you are no longer interested? That she's tainted in some way...? Do you really think they feel they've betrayed you?

Probably not from their perspective... but from yours? Sure... And then there's the lying... in this case its lying by way of withholding... hiding their relationship... would the friends YOU want in your life hide that kind of stuff with you? I mean your good buds, from school to now... would they hide that they are going to the next town to hang with the football team? Or that your best bud is going out with a girl... and you don't see him much...? You KNOW what is going on because friends SHARE that stuff... in this case... where do your rate these "friends"... would you really consider them friends...?

And that... is up to you on what your answer is... and how you deal with it and work through it... do you WANT those friends? Or are you willing to let them go from your tight circle?

I also sell seed on the side. I have seed corn to deliver to the former friend and possible OM. When the rumor hit I called and asked if it was true. Of course he said no. What does anyone think about asking him about the text messaging when I deliver his seed. He maybe doesnt know that W admitted that to me.

What do you hope to achieve by asking about this? Even if you are only truly asking it could quite likely be perceived as confronting. Confrontation is an escalation.

Your W will very likely hear about it. Small town right? How will she perceive it? I suspect negatively.

IMO better to allow the dust to settle. Focus upon you. What are you doing to improve your lot?

Funny... if you were on this side of the border... I'd probably know you...

OK, let me relate my story in short form, if I can:

I find good buddy of mine in bed, under the covers with my W...

Sounds bad...

But, the deal is, he and a few other friends spent the night over after a bender...

I had been working and needed to work early the next morning, so W had made a bed in basement for me... that's another story that seems quite disrespectful to me, but...

So I wake up, grab a shower and go to the room to get my fresh clothes and that is what I see...

But I also see that he is fully clothed... as my W, at least, has a night gown on... I can make assumptions and use my imagination, but that is what I see... at most, they are having pillow talk and it could just as easily be something about him having women problems...

But rather than anyone admitting that perhaps that was inappropriate and at least validating how I could have seen that in a negative way...

Everyone began defending, saying it's not what it looks like (if it wasn't a problem, if it wasn't inappropriate then how could it look wrong is my unasked question). Suggesting that only moments earlier, there were about 8 people in the bed...

I get it... a bunch of people having fun...

So anyhow, the point is... and there are other reasons for me to suspect even more, but same... circumstantial evidence... the reality of that moment... is that nothing was going on... that I jumped to conclusions...

While I think my buddy was trying to connect with me after that, possibly to re-affirm that nothing happened and possibly even ask for forgiveness and validate my thoughts and concerns... it never happened... and now, after all the contrived stories and siding that have taken place... I have been segregated from that entire crew and they from me...

Probably a good thing... but the story likely still stands... nothing happened... I was "wrong" to jump to conclusions... and it is none of my business anyhow, because my W didn't feel M by then...

Last weekend, I stopped by buddy's place to finally just let that go in me. He wasn't there, I sent him an email...

Your friend could tell you the truth, and that they were just talking about nothing... or he could lie... and tell you they were just talking about nothing... or he could be honest and tell you they were talking trash... or he could be spiteful and hurtful and lie, because he's sided with your W in her desire to move on, and tell you he slept with her... just to get your goat...

What you do is up to you. All I can offer is, if you do confront him, be very, very sure that your emotions are in check... you don't need a farming / auger accident in the local papers, eh?

You are both right. What good would it do? Not a thing. Just add to my anxiety. And lord knows I already have enough. Whether its true or not theres nothing I can do about it. So dont worry folks, I wont do it. But it will be a very uncomfortable delivery. Do any of you out there ever wish you were just dreaming? That you will wake up and everything will be back to normal?
I wish it were that easy.

There may come a time that you can talk to your former friend about it. And it is also possible that over time, you may just let dead dogs lie...

Yes, if anything went on... even if it is a question... and if you and your W begin the process of reconciliation... then this would be something to discuss. Even if you feel you've let it go. Because if there's anything left... any resentment... from what I understand it will just kill the M, eventually...

And yes, even now there are still moments of this whole thing feeling surreal... like a dream... and I want to pinch myself and wake up...

Sorry, you are here... and yes... this is real and not a dream...

But, it will get better. Of that, we can pretty much guarantee... The result just may not be quite the way you hope or expect, yet it doesn't mean that you won't reconcile... but it also doesn't mean you will.

Be well...

Im laying here thinking about why she turned so unloving and downright mean after she moved out. After the rumor bomb hit she was so upset, that I layed with her so she could sleep. We slept together for the next 2weeks. No sex though, I did mention it a couple of times. We havent ML since the middle of August. Sex is important to me, so you can imagine how I feel about that. I always wondered if she was having her needs met elsewhere. She has never been a real sexual person. We didnt have sex before we were married. I should have seen problems ahead. But i loved her and respected her. I knew once we were married it would okay.
Maybe she was just being nice until she got what she wanted ie house,cars, other items in the settlement. Yes we sat down and divided stuff. She gave the list to the lawyer and im sure its in the papers. I wouldnt know as I havent looked at them. We were just getting along so well. Hugging and even kissing each other goodbye and goodnight. Then bam. She moves out and iceberg dead ahead!I just dont get her. Is there OM. Possibly, very possibly. Is she just doing this to hurt me back. Id like to think she isnt that type of person. She has changed since she took the admin.job. Even her own friends have noticed. You give a woman that kind of salary shes not going to put up with any BS from her H. Easier to walk away then to work on things.
Often when I have these thoughts I wonder to myself, why do you want to be married to such a, no wait. I have never refurred to her as one and I not going to start. Sorry. Weve been together too long and I know how good of a W she can be.Especially with a good H. I have got to work hard and become him again. I cannot quit.

Read up on DB's author Michelle Weiner Davis regarding Walk Away Wife (or as we say it here, Walk Away Spouse; because the symptoms appear somewhat genderless in many cases).

It's like when you plant the corn, and for a week or two, you see nothing until finally you see a sprout and things start to happen that we can see without digging... Some use bamboo as that example in both directions, WAS and then also in reconciliation...

On the surface your W may have been business as usual with you for the past few years... but under the surface, she may have been planning her exit strategy, having already decided to move on.

But often we seem to notice, that if something happens to actually bring that to the surface before they are ready... there is a complete meltdown of the WAS and they go into fight and flight mode...

You indicate that you'd already checked out for a while... so it is very likely that you would have not noticed that change in her... at least not easily or obviously...

You will go through all the emotions and questions that we all go through. You'll be angry, sad, frustrated, confused... etc, etc...

So remember, this is normal...

And what we do here... the tools of DB and DR... is to help US... those who are left behind or those who would like to consider our options and possibly save the M...

The tools help us to regain our composure, let go of the emotional attachment of something that was probably not good... work on ourselves to become better people and grow through this in positive ways...

and IF... IF, IF, IF (and yes, hopefully... hope is an OK thing) the M gets saved in the process... then great...

But no matter what, you will be better... "it" will get better (what you feel, right now)... and the future will bring what it brings...

What are some of the things that your W may have complained about you, now or before?

What are some things that you think helped contribute to the breakdown of the M? We all share that responsibility and I know you mentioned some things above, but what are some of the specifics?

How can you work on those things listed above by your W and by you, that are valid and that you believe should be better in you?

nd - I've read a little bit about your sitch, and just want to say sorry that you find yourself here with the rest of us. But if you do the work, you'll come out a better person no matter the outcome of your M.

Now, to get to your statement above. It almost sent my blood pressure through the roof, so I want to understand what you really mean. Do you actually have the idea in your head that because a woman makes a decent living, it's easier to be a WAW? I'm asking because I make more than my H and I'm the LBS. I'm trying to understand your train of thought. Because it sounds like you expected your wife to stay and "put up with BS" when she didn't make that much.

And that is too chauvinistic for me to even comprehend.