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He told me tonight what the dinner was about. I can say that I know H well enough to know that he wouldn't take on someone about to have a baby. He's 56. He's not going to try to support me and D, this chick, her S that is our D's age and someone else's kid, plus all of his toy habits.

He told me that he she met up with him to ask him if he would hold a fundraiser for her because she is broke and the kid will be born in Sept. He told her no, he was too busy. I know that he has not had communications with her in a while up until last week because he didn't know she was pregnant. She took that as an open opportunity to be a leech. We own a plane so she is assuming that we are rich and I think ius trying to get him to give her money.

I don't have access to his email, phone, etc., and quite hoestly, I don't want to. That has gotten me into trouble in the past. Trust me, I am not happy about her request and would like to slap her. However, the fact that he told me what was going on gives me comfort. I also don't think he's dumb enough to do this in front of D.

H is a very nice person who feels sorry for people in bad situations and tries to help them out. I've always been jealous, which has been an issue in our marriage. He's also always been flirtatious. He has low self-esteem, so this makes him feel good. My mother left my father for someone else, so I have my own baggage in this area.

I've accused him several times of having an affair. This has caused us major problems, and he brought it up on Monday. He said he is tired of being accused. That is why he told me there was no one else.

I am somewhat insecure in our relationship and jealous. I do not like the flirting, etc. We had a discussion about it years ago and I told him I didn't like it and that women took his behavior wrong. He told me not all women thought like I did (yeah, right.

H is home every night. There are no odd phone calls at night, he is not out late. I pay all bills, personal and business. If he's had an affair, it was EA only.

He said he would move if he had to but I cannot afford this house and don't want the memories. He also inherited the house from his mother.

I also know that he feels guilty and is trying to justify the situation. I think he is trying to convince himself this is what he wants.

So, for me today, I got a massage, which was long over due.

Tonight he waited for me to come home from teaching, which he generally does. He was sitting at his computer and I purposely did not enter the room. I said hi when I came in and then went inside.

My car broke down today and he took me to pick up our spare. He has been under tremendous stress with work, which is another reason why I am steering clear of him.

I take all of our little communications in a positive way. Sometimes he is a little cold, sometimes not. I am doing my best to bite my tounge in situations where I wouldn't have in the past.

What happened Monday was a disappointment, but I can't let it get me down. I am trying to keep a positive attitude. I know that he is hurt, scared, guilty, probably having MLC, stressed out, and I have always been the excuse and mental whipping post. I know that and now know that I need to walk away.

I am learning a lot about myself and what I need to do different.

Today brings a new day, and I am keeping my PMA. I've stopped trying to say goodbye to H in the morning.

The question I am running in my mind now is: How do I balance GAL, DB, etc. with his need to feel wanted and appreciated? Or do I worry about that right now?

I re-read your response this morning and gave it some more thought. While I am not trying to be naive, if I go down that path right now, it will be "more of the same" and I will push him away further. So, I try to take the words of the song "Suspicious Minds" to heart. I've got to believe in him, which I haven't done in a long time.

Good morning Hopeful- when you enter the newcomer forum you can find the 37 rules under all of the bootcamp posts. Goals are difficult for me as well, our minds are so full of all the other stuff, at least for me, it was hard to muddle in. So for me my goals are to stop doing what I am doing, because it wasn't getting me any closer to my goal. What was I doing? Being mean, hurtful and creating ways to contact my H so I could make a point. When my H moved in with the OW, I refused to deliver our children, I asked family members to do it instead. To top it off, my H would have our D18 relay messages about picking up other children for events and such instead of talking to me directly. I would ALWAYS make a stink about it. So, these became my goals to STOP doing what I was doing, and DO something Different. I deliver our children to the OW house, if this is something I have to do in order to make a change I will do it, I don't like it, but I do it. I STOPPED creating ways to contact him to be mean. In the last 6 months I contacted him weekly just to be mean, and remind him of how he hurt me and our family. Since DB'ing I have ONLY contacted him 3 times and it was child related and necessary. When we have contact on the visitation drop offs, I am friendly, I have eye contact and I don't REACT. I have focused on the above ACTIONS for the last 30 days, and have had positive results, H has conversed with me and the best part, there has been NO negativity what so ever. There are so many examples on this forum of people setting goals, keep reading....Sorry for the long post, I hope it makes some sense.

It does, thanks for the insight. I did find the 37 rules and printed them. I bought DB at lunch today, so I will re-read DR and start DB.

Since the D bomb, I do not call him during the day unless urgent (one of his big complaints). I will text instead. If he responds, good, if not, I let it go. I'm trying to really listen and understand instead of throwing in my 2 cents and being critical. I realize that I listen to my clients and try to help them, but I don't always listen to H. I do always try to fix, because that's what I do for a living, instead of just listening and being understanding.

I am also learning from my mistakes. I know that I can accept and understand his point of view and feelings but not have to agree. I have to learn to trust again. I have to give up control. I thought I had, but I don't think so.

GAL is hard with my kid at home. I've always had to get a babysitter to do things, which takes the fun out of it. I've got to work on that. I'm also trying to make friends with some of her friends' moms.

Cherishing the small steps, any posititive response. I can still see the pain in his eyes, and I'm sorry I hurt him so much. We've never been good at talking. He is quick to get upset and I am quick to escalate on his escalation until it is a shouting match.

Off to see what the evening holds. I will continue to try to stay positive and ward off any anxiety.

You can't try to stay positive and ward off anxiety, you just do it. Stay away from people, conversations, thoughts that are causing you trouble. You do this by focusing on things that you need to get done, yourself, children if you have them, supportive friends and positive outlets.

Complaining over and over again about these issues to outside parties does not help as you are storing that bad energy among those you communicate it with.

Just work on what you can, and don't worry about this problame ( WAS ) for a while.

Hi Inga, I saw your post in Nero's thread so thought I would take a look at your sitch.

Some Day did give you great advice. You mentioned in Nero's thread that your H obviously still thinks you're pursuing. And you are likely correct based on his "smothering" comment.

Above you talk about doing something different and about doing more of the same.

So lets go down that thought process:

+ What is more of the same?

+ What bothers you about less contact?

+ What do you think you might try, different?

While you do not want to go into the negative feeling and while you may be correct that, at 56, your H is unlikely to get involved with someone who is pregnant with someone else' child...

Do you know what an EA is?

Because it does sound like that is what is going on. It may not get physical. Still, he's obviously "taken" by this woman and feels like he can "save" her. I think this is certainly one of the reasons why EAs happen.

Also, you could be right that your H is in MLC. Or at the very least, he could be in a transition. So the possibility of him transferring his emotional needs from you to others (such as this woman or his friends) is certainly likely.

Have you read through the MLC forum and seen some of the reading material?

The work in many cases is the same. One of the more obvious clues is acting younger or some of the classic MLC behaviours that people joke about as is confusion. Your H being on again and off again with you cooking does suggest confusion.

There are some minor differences, but otherwise the work is the same.

GAL will be important for you and help with your PMA. It will also help towards giving him yet more space. Go out as often as possible, even if it is just for coffee at a friends or the library or a walk. This may create an air of mystery to you that your H might notice.

Words aren't the only thing that a WAS might see as "smothering". It could be cooking his meals makes him feel smothered. Or just your presence. The sight of you, your smell... He gets confused because its familiar and he may like it and then he feels pressure. It may not be you... the pressure could just as easily be coming from inside himself.

So again...

What might you do that is different? How can you change the sitch so that he can't do more of the same?

Tonight has not gone so well for me emotionally. I got emotional watching something about an Olympic boxer. Right after that H came home all excited because his new motorcycle seat came in. I knew he ordered a single seat and not the double seat that I wanted, so it already stung. I just said, Oh you bought a seat. And he crapily said, I did. Then our D came in and he was all sweet and sappy, which is totally out of character for him.

I walked away and then the tears started. I put his dinner and D's dinner out and went to the bedroom to cry and change. A little bit later, I got some dinner and went into the dining room. He said, Oh, I thought you weren't eating and that's why you weren't in here. I said no, my hips hurt (which they do) and I went to change. I sat down to eat and lost it again. Went back to the bedroom and tried to pull it together. Our D hates to see me cry.

I went back to eat and I was still crying. H asked me what was wrong. Really? Gee, I don't know. I just told him I was ok. He was about done, got up, put his stuff in the dishwasher, and came back and thanked me for cooking in a more positive voice than before.

He's gone now to put the seat on that damn motorcycle. He also mentioned to D he was going to paint it, knowing I was in earshot.

These are the times I want to give up and say why do I bother.