But my gut is telling me she's gonna run you through the ringer again, just as soon as you two are trying to be happy again. I really think you should just move on and stick to moving on.
I'm sorry to say this. Its only because I have known and seen immature women like your wife wreck havoc on households more than once...the similarites are eerie....and they really never grow up.
I think that sentiment "they never grow up" is a comfortable one, and is a good justification for giving up and moving on. and it might even be a valid justification. I heard the same from lots of people. My cousin: "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
I don't know if I believe that. I think it's deeper than that. I think good people do stuff that isn't nice, because they are hurting or scared or broken. And I think people can heal and change and improve.
I'm not judging anyone. I won't sit here and tell people that my way is the only right way to be. I just think a generalization like "they never really grow up" isn't fair to the specific person it is aimed at.
Lemme tell you something - my brother was married and all during the marriage I thought - man, he needs to grow up. Well he's divorced now. And guess what? ... too late to save the marriage, but he grew up. he's a different man now. Isn't that something?
People change and grow. always. Inevitably. The question is, will they change in a good way, fast enough for ya. Are you willing to wait to find out?
At the risk of sounding like Larry Tate (youngsters, you can Google that one), I think you're BOTH right.
Some do grow up and some do not. And you don't get to control which one YOUR spouse does, so all you can do is work on YOU, and increase your likelihood of success by DBing. That, in fact, is what DR and DB are all about.
Oh, don't you remember? Larry Tate was always a waffler, HATING Darrin's advertising campaign ideas until the client would like them, and then Larry would say "I like it too!"
And man, that Elizabeth Montgomery always had the best legs in re-runs, didn't she???
I think that sentiment "they never grow up" is a comfortable one, and is a good justification for giving up and moving on. and it might even be a valid justification. I heard the same from lots of people. My cousin: "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
I don't know if I believe that. I think it's deeper than that. I think good people do stuff that isn't nice, because they are hurting or scared or broken. And I think people can heal and change and improve.
My therapist said she never uses the term "a leopard can't change it's spots" about people because people aren't generally spotted.
She went on to say that people who want to change (learn the tools to be a better person) can do so if it's their desire, but we can't force anyone to realize they're in need of help, it's a realization that one must come to on one's own terms.
I believe people can change. But the desire to better one's self must be present. And I agree, I think most people who do things like cheating on their spouse or lying are trying to make up for some other hurt.
I know I hurt my W while we were married. Maybe that's something she just can't get over. I'm not saying what she did was right, but I can see how I helped push her into an R with someone else.
Even if I don't reconcile with my WAW, I have to thank her in some ways for showing me that I do want to be a better person.
What started out as a plan to "win" her back has now become a plan to be a better person.
Of course I still have a long way to go and I still backslide, but I'm getting better at it.
Now I just have to convince myself of that.
Dash
Me 43: Her 34 M 08/22/2005 Son born 12/31/2006 Suspicion of EA 10/10/2008 EA confirmed 10/11/2008 WAW 10/13/2008
I know I hurt my W while we were married. Maybe that's something she just can't get over. I'm not saying what she did was right, but I can see how I helped push her into an R with someone else.
I call BS on that. You made mistakes, yes - we all did. We are all human. Making a mistake, even a series of mistakes, is not "pushing her" into the arms of another man. Did you make the secret phone calls to her lover for her, did you make the secret dinner reservations, did you hang up the phone when she suggested you go to marriage counseling? Did you beat her or call her names? Did you belittle her? Did you repeatedly reject her invitations to intimacy, either emotional or physical? If you did any of those things, then yes, you rejected her and you "pushed her" into a relationship outside the marriage. But if your mistake was "not expressing yourself" enough or "thinking everything was fine when it was not", that is not pushing her anywhere. That is called being human.
In normal relationships it is also known as "daily life."
It does no good for left-behind-spouses to engage in unwarranted self-flagellation. Accept responsibility for your part. But be careful concluding that you "pushed her" anywhere.
