Excellent insights Vinlad. Something I needed to see today, also.
In the book "Power of Now" it does say that males lag behind woman when it comes to this kind of knowledge/insights. So Laurie your H is coming, he's right behind you, coming along on his timeline.
I have really been in a strange place the last few weeks and have been feeling like I was drifting.
I think God was giving me a break.......so I could come back strengthened and prepared for the next part of my journey. He was also preparing me for hearing about things I didn't want to deal with.
What I most failed to see was what part I played in what my husband did.
I wanted to just walk away and not look to see if anything I had done or said contributed to his actions.
In a blinding second the next part of my journey was revealed through a line in Vinlands response: What have you to forgive or to be forgiven for.
I had not asked my husband for forgiveness in whatever I did to cause him to question me so many years ago.
I was soo blinded by what he did to me........ I failed to see that he was hurting from something he thought I did along time ago.
Your posts have helped some who needed it most desperately.
The last few weeks I have had to spend sitting on the beach contemplating............ brought about the quietness to my soul...... that allowed me to "hear" that message.
You will recall, alien viewers, that last week I recieved two middle of the night calls. Then really nothing.
He was VERY busy this past weekend. I did leave an early morning VM on his cell on Saturday. On Monday I sent him this text page: W: Happy Monday! had a great weekend. Hope you flew through your reviews! I'm at home today. have a grrrreat day! He responded asking why I was at home. hummm you are noticing an out of the ordinary! Told him that I was working from home as I had a lot of conference calls and had things I needed to get caught up on for my business. He was receptive and encouraging.
Monday night he called me. We talked about 15 min. He sounded very melancholy. He did joke a little bit.
He said he got a lot of his work done and still has more to do. I joked with him that maybe this coming weekend he would have some evenings free for extra curricular fun. He said he still had way too much work to accomplish for that. That he just needs to get throught the next few weeks and then life will be good. My comment, was "Oh Well".
He still needs to buy a house in Seattle. But he has NO time to even look at houses. By accident his Real Estate agent called me last week thinking it was H's cell phone. When I was up there we used my cell to call RE agent. His RE agent said that I should come back up and pick out a house for H since he is too busy to look. I told H this and he said, "that would work".
We also talked about my next trip up there. I asked if the last weekend in Feb was still going to work. He said he thought so. I just said "well let me know"
We chit chatted a bit more and he sent me a page with his address where he is staying to send his mail that still comes to our house.
While there are still some positives here, there was this underlying tone of sadness. It is hard to describe, but I don't know what is going through his mind.
I did have my Bob Barker (thanks UD and Mer!) voice with me and I was DRIPPING with enthusiasum.
Yesterday about 9:30am I get a page from him that said: "need to speak with u."
I called his cell and it said he was on the phone and got his VM. Waited about 15 min, called again, same thing. Both times I left happy messages that I was returning his page to give him a call. I sent a page back that said I was at my desk.
Nothing.
At 12:00 and 2:00 I called again, same message.
Nothing.
I have not heard from him since. I know this could be about anything.
Its just very bizarre..... Is this depression behavior?
Tune in next time for another addition of As the Ailen world turns.......For now I'm just letting him come to me. I made several references to the fact that I wanted to see him. Maybe too much? hummmmmm
Hi Water, he is obviously in some kind of conundrum and overwhelmed. Backing off the talk about going there would prob. be a good idea. Let him come after you some. Glad you are staying so upbeat!
Yes, you never know what you are going to get with a depressed person. (speaking from first hand experience) - as you can see i can go a couple days feeling great, then a couple feeling lousy, then one good, then 2 bad, 4 good, etc. It is very confusing to be the person HAVING those feelings. Certainly, I don't want to bring anyone else down. He prob. feels the same way (+ he's a man -lucky for you)-and doesn't want to "burden" you and prob. wants to "solve things on his own." Best thing to do-try to put out your feelers-if he seems like he wants attn., give it to him, and if he seems aloof/distant, let him be. And, oc, listen, which you have been doing VERY WELL!
He is lucky to have you-keep reminding yourself that!! karen
I called H this morning very early. I just told him I was thinking about him. That he sounded crazy busy on Monday when he called and that I was giving him a hug.
He said thank you. Then acted like he wanted to hang up. I asked how he was and he said, crazy busy. Then said he needed to get in the shower and if he has time later he would call.
Why is this bothering me so much?
He pages me and says he needs to SPEAK with me. Am I the only one that thinks that takes on a different tone than saying talk?
Then I don't hear from him for 2 days?
If it was something bad, like water, I want to move on with my life, or OW is back.... would you avoid that? and not want to call?
If it was something good, like water I want to work on this or see where this is going wouldn't you want to tell that?
Am I making too much of this?
I am having a hard time keeping the faith today. I am afraid. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid that the good times we have shared recently havent been for real. That he is not ready to make that step. That he still has too much pain and hurt.
How can it be so good one minute and not the next?
And I know, that not matter what I will be ok, I don't NEED my H, but D@mn it I WANT him. I know that my mind could just be on hyper overload and the evil forces are working overtime with me. I could get on the phone with him and he could want to know about his car.
Which is another issue I have. He was letting our oldest son use his car while H gets settled in Seattle. Now H wants me to buy it from him. In one of our middle of the night conversations he asked me to drive it as son got his own car so H's has just been sitting in the drive. So I drive it last week. It made me VERY uncomfortable. It had vibes of OW. I need to let H know that I cannot buy his car. How do I tell him that because of his actions and his involvement with OW that has made his car not an option for me? Of course don't want to hurt his feelings or make him uncomfortable.
OK, back to the faith thing.... I asked God to help me this morning. I told him I was having a hard time with feeling like in the end this was all going to work out for us being together. Ya know what God, I would really like that sooner rather than later. I waiver in my thought that we will create a new R together because I am afraid of being hurt. If I go all the way out on the tight rope and then H stays in the tunnel that hurts. I also wonder, what if I DON"T have faith am I writing my own future? I have the following taped to my PC monitor: Whatever you believe - with conviction - becomes your reality I DO believe, just don't want to hurt anymore. Is that contradictory?
I am with Tal today, I'm sorry to bring all this to everyone who also has their own trial and tribulations to deal with. It used to be that when something would hurt me I would turn to H and we would work through it. I wish I could do that now and have him understand.
Again, my apologies for being all over the board, it is just the unknown that is killing me!
-lucky for you)-and doesn't want to "burden" you and prob. wants to "solve things on his own." Best thing to do-try to put out your feelers-if he seems like he wants attn., give it to him, and if he seems aloof/distant, let him be. And, oc, listen, which you have been doing VERY WELL!