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Today, another day another city. I called home and my mother-in-law said that H came over at noon, asked about me as usual, played with the little one and when he was leaving to go back to work he wept because our son was crying. H loves our little boy with all his heart and I know it hurts him being away from our little one. I\m worried about H's drinking, because ever since I kicked him out he drinks and sometimes he's too drunk to come see the little one.

Hi Amelie,

First, I just have to say you are one of the most concise posters I've ever seen on this board!

So far your posts are very focused on the immediate circumstance. While there is nothing wrong with that, I want to encourage you to dig a little into yourself and your thinking.

What was it that got you both to this point? In any marriage, each spouse brings baggage with them that we don't even realize (at least this seems to be the case in about every post on this board!).

The emotions of these situations are strong and powerful. They can also be distracting to what you need to do to help yourself.

I'm sorry to hear about your H's drinking. If it every has a possibility to put you, your little one or others in danger, something must be done. Otherwise, your H has to make his own choices. Its ok to be sad about what choices he makes, but unfortunatly, you can't change that for him.

It may be that you're not quite ready to dig into all the parts that got your M to this point. That's OK, just acknowledge that and know that at some point, it all needs to be looked at to help you find understanding and growth.

Please know this, I am not saying or implying anthing regarding "fault". What I am saying is that if you read through posts on this board (and I encourage you to read other's stuff) you will see that people have taken time to deal with their own demons and grow from them. Regardless of the pain of the situation, you can grow from this. That growth may or may not help save your M, but it will be growth that will serve you well in life regardless.

Hope you're doing ok.

My marriage was far from being perfect, thing is we never talked about our finances before we got married. He's the type to spend money in extravagant things specially gadgets, tools or car stuff...Me in the other hand I'm more conscious about spending, I'm not saying I'm a cheapskate or anything. My parents divorced when I was 12 and my dad just took off and my mom went on welfare for 6 months because my dad left us with nothing, and when I mean nothing is nothing! He withdrew my mother
s savings account (they had a joint account). Since that trauma of being on welfare and going to food banks I've become a penny saver-nothing wrong with that! Anyways, so My H and I were so caught up in the love whirlwind that we never talked about money, but whenever I mentioned an unnecessary expense he'd get all upset so I stopped talking about it-and I blame myself for it...( Before I kicked him out I found out he racked almost 20 something thousand dollars in debt!) Besides being an Emotional cheater he was in debt! I told him that we needed a financial ad visor and stuff and he got upset!...Now H is living at his friends apartment, sleeping on their couch and drinking his sorrows away on booze. I know we can can save our marriage, but he's stubborn and too aggravated to talk to me or his family members.

I forgot to mention H came over to see the little one, I walked home from work he was on the floor playing with our son. He didn't say a word he just looked at me, I looked at him then I changed clothes and went for a run. My mom-in-law says that when I left he was staring at me.

Hello again,
I received my book DR and I started to read it, H keeps calling home and asking about me. Today he told my mom over the phone that he wanted to talk to me, I'm nervous, because last time we talked he wanted the D. I haven't called him, txted him or emailing him. Yesterday when he came over I didn't say a word to him and went for a run. I don't know if I did the right thing by not saying anything to him.

Hello everyone,
I read the DR and I'm applying the last resort technique, yesterday it was H's bday, he came home for lunch played with the little one (I went out to buy new clothes, because I've lost so much weight). As usual he asked for me, H is coming over today to see our son and I'm gonna be home this time, hopefully he won't ask me for the d again. I don't want to talk about it. I just want a peaceful day. I'm gonna act like I'm super busy , Wish me luck.

Well H didn't showed up today because he drank too much last night and he told my mother over the phone he has a nasty hangover. I didn't sit around and wait for him, I went out for a walk with my son and went to see my sister.

hey Amelie, how are you today?

I was doing well until tonight, I received an anonymous phone call from a female telling me that my H has a nickname a work "deadbeat dad" and that he has pictures of females on his cellphone and that I deserve better because he's a a**hole. SO stupid me I called my H to tell him that some woman called me to tell me those things and he said "it's all lies and leave me alone, what I do doesnt concern you" And hung up. For the past week he wants to talk to me but he never calls or txts msg me to let me know when and where. I'm getting tired of his mind games. SOmetimes I feel like just giving up

That had to be an incredibly hard call to listen to. The reality of the matter is you don't know who to believe. It could be true and the woman trying to help or it could be a lie trying to free up your husband....

And because you don't really know, all you can do is focus on yourself and who you want to be. Right now, his actions and his choices are a distraction to you focusing on how to build a better life for yourself.

Even if the woman is telling the truth, her actions fall into the category of what the DR book describes as people wanting to end your pain but not helping you deal with life.

Wanting to give up is a very normal feeling. And it's your choice on when you are "done". Please remember, this is always a long process. Must of us are here becuase we (both us and our WAS) have continued practices and habits that we've had our whole life. The norm is that these habits have impacted our Ms and we have to go through a process to unlearn the negative habits, find new and more productive habits and then learn the habits as a better way to live life. This will take time and you can only choose this for yourself.

My IC once gave me this example and it helped frame my view of my WAW. He mentioned that when we get hit on the nose, its very painful, makes our eyes water and our typical reaction is to find the source of the pain and strike back...

Now, imagine that the person who hit you is a drowning victim and your trying to help them...

Your H is drowning in his own misery right now and he can't see the surface of the water to breath. The bad part is, you can't really save him. He has to make his own choices.

But what you can do is continue to strengthen yourself emotionally, spiritually, mentally & physically. Focus on yourself and it will provide you the resources you need to deal with all that's going on. It can all be so overwhelming when our "tanks are empty".

Work on setting down his issues. Hope you can keep your focus today and feel better.