H called last night at 12:30am! Said that he has been having nightmares about me.
He has done this in the past. Ususally not pleasant. That I am some sort of vindictive mean person. I didn't ask what these are like but he said he has had them EVERY night since we talked last week.
You will remember that I called him last week somewhat emotional. I have been spending a lot of time looking at myself through his eyes. To really see myself in a different perspective. It really brought things to my attention and H was on my mind heavy, so I called.
H asked me more about that last night. H wanted to know what I saw when I looked at myself through his eyes. I described some of the things that I was not happy with as to how I behaved in the past. That I held onto a lot of resentment and then I would say one thing but my tone and body language were saying something else and that must have been confusing. EXAMPLE: Sure H go ahead and go golfing on Sat. The words were the only thing saying SURE. Last night H said YES YES! that happened all the time! I think he really believed that I understood how HE felt.
We talked a little bit about the address thing. There is more to the story, I'm not exactly sure what it is. H said maybe someday we'll talk about it.
H told me that he really enjoyed the weekend that I spent up there. He said QUOTE: "I loved every minute, from the time you got off the plane, until you left. I feel bad that I couldn't have gotten you up here on that Friday night."
We talked a little more and a little again about the address.
After we hung up, I couldn't let the address thing go. I felt like he wasn't being honest about the whole thing.
Text message to H W:How long did you live with her? after several hours of thinking about this another text message: W:Doesn't matter. Just don't lie and tell me BS that address is that way because of your license. HONESTY H: I have never lived with anyone. Stop it.
OK I went down the cheeseless tunnel. Focused on what was NOT important. And made ASSumptions that turned out to be false.
All whacking graciously accepted.
H told me before he hung up that he just wanted to hear my voice.
Contemplating a text message this morning that says: Happier thoughts today, focusing on the wonderful weekend visit.
I know what you struggle with...it is so hard not to focus on possible indications that there was an OW. Especially now when your r is so insecure, unsure.
But you know there is really nothing you can do about what he did. I mean really...what will you do with the info if it is true he lived with someone else? NOTHING....you can't change it or make it go away once you KNOW. So don't know THAT...know instead that your h:
1. dreams about you (though it may be bad he is getting how he feels out to YOU) 2. He thinks about ya'll together 3. He calls YOU 4. Invites YOU over 5. text messages YOU
ETC.
Come on, hon, it's YOU he wants NOW. Relish that, enjoy it, use your womanly power to make more of that happen. You are the best thing for him and he sees that.
let this other BS about addresses, suspicions, etc GO. Live for TODAY.
(that little pep talk helped me immensely too...I was struggling with the gal's phone # I found at h's apartment this weekend)
Sorry I haven't posted to you in a while, but I have been following the sit....
(((((Water)))))
I know this is a rotton roller coaster ride. It is so hard to stay cool and positive when new "evidence" is thrown in your face like that. Just reading your posts brought back very vivid memories of similar things that have happened to me...
YET....
Ellie and others are right! This is in the past, you H is making some effort to connect with you, he obviously is thinking of you A LOT! You know what they say! Focus on what you want to grow. This is so true with kids, and I guess it applies to MLC spouses as well. Your H is depressed, also and he needs you to be a dependable positive for him. Also, maybe this latest wrinkle will help you become more detatched. I don't know. Who am I to say?
The other day I thought of something...What has helped me tremendously is the three "P"s
Patience Prayer and Pampering!
maybe now is a good time to schedule yourself a massage, or a pedicure!
talk to you later, SG
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
I am some place I have never been before and feel like I have some guiding force with me..because I CAN"T BE DOING THIS!!!
Soo weird....
If you read my thread...I think this afternoon I came in off the surfboard and am now standing on a deserted island beach.....drippin wet.......looking at this forest of vegatation and sand.....with not much to go...but it's a beautiful beach
So many positives in your recent interactions with your H!!!
His dream sharing is amazing....
It was so great he asked you to share on your perceptions of you through HIS EYES ...what an opportunity....
HE DID understand it!! He was probably so excited that YOU got it!!!You understood him...that is the most validating thing in the world, to feel understood by someone important to you.
He feels close enough to you to tell you he had a wonderful time with you from beginning to end and he didn't really want it to end!!
The thing was that now you were feeling close enough to HIM to start questioning the "address thing"......
Let it go.
He doesn't want to hurt you. Even if he lies....it's because he doesn't want to hurt you.
He's telling you in everyway: I never lived with anyone.... That's true he hasn't ....he hasn't lived!!! with anyone...
He LIVES with YOU! I disagree...you didn't go down a cheeseless tunnel.....he answered you...you got an answer....he didn't LIVE with anyone..... You just didn't get the answer you were trying to force into being.
Accept it for what it was ...he may have been in her presence....but I don't think he lived one minute....without you.
"He just wanted to hear your voice"
Now that just says it all.
You keep having a great day....
You don't deserve a single whack...you deserve a huge
Hi All~ Thanks Cindy and S_G! Boy I can't tell you how much I appriciate your words of encouragement.
Cycler....WOW! How wonderful what you have said. I like your thoughts about you being in a new place, but at least its a nice beach! My youngest Son called me yesterday and asked what I was doing. "working" He then asked me what I would rather be doing. "Sitting on a beautiful beach listening to the waves"
Cycler, Pull up a beach towel and let's "chill" in the warm sun!
Well on Wednesday night I got a call from H at 3:00am. That's two nights in a row of middle of the night calls. We talked a little bit. I get the feeling that he feels like something is going on with me. Maybe like I am not always going to be there, or that I am seeing someone. I have not told him what I wrote in the letter that is somewhere in OW posession hopefully being forwarded. That has him wondering. Asked me again what it said.
I am wondering if this is in some way his dealing with his emotions and guilt over what has happened? The breakup with OW. The nightmares the reflect me as a bad person. The late night calls. Any thoughts on this? And if I am on the right track, How do I help him?
In our second late night conversation we talked about when I can come back up. He is EXTREMELY busy and will not be free for the next two weekends. Then the third weekend I am out of town. So I suggested that I look for flights for the last weekend in Feb. He said OK. I sent him an email about it yesterday, he read it, but has not responded.
I had told him that if there was anything I could do to help him, just let me know. And that I could also just be his cheerleader on the sidelines letting him get his work done quickly. He said that would be great.
I left him a VM this morning that said I missed our late night phone call! and that hopefully he got a good nights sleep and will be able his work done.
Quote: I am wondering if this is in some way his dealing with his emotions and guilt over what has happened? The breakup with OW. The nightmares the reflect me as a bad person. The late night calls. Any thoughts on this? And if I am on the right track, How do I help him?
Water,
The best thing you can do is listen. There is really nothing you can do to help him except for continue to work on yourself. His nightmares are just him having to deal with his emotions, feeling, and guilt. You have to let him work through his own healing process and coming to terms with the sitch.
IF you haven't already, in Talista's thread a recent reply with a long list of fears that a WAS is dealing with. It gave me a good glimps into what my W must be going through, it may give you some insight.
Keep positive, its a big thing that he call YOU in the middle of the night to talk about things. That indicates to me the close friendship you still have.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
Just keep listening to the things that he is telling you. It is good that you took that time to look at yourself through his eyes. You will have a better understanding of where he is coming from and look how excited he got because you understood.
That had to have been a great relief to him. To know that you took the time to understand him and see what he was talking about. That is a great connection for the two of you.
Like everyone keeps telling you, there is nothing that you can do about the past but there is plenty that you can do about the future. God is showing you things that caused part of the breakdown in the marriage. He isn't showing you in order to bring you down, but to help heal the marriage and bring your relationship back together.
You don't need to know every detail that happened during that time with your husband, but you guys do need to talk about the things that you guys are talking about. He is in depression and withdrawal and he is seeing himself for the first time just like you saw yourself through his eyes.
He is experiencing things that you will never understand and the best way for you to help him is by listening and validating his feelings. You don't want to go back down those cheeseless tunnels and you don't want him to feel like you are judging him for what he did during that time.
This is going to be the hard part for you and that is going to be accepting him and accepting everything that he tells you. Treating him with forgiviness, kindness, patience and unconditional love. This is the road that brings you guys back together and heals you both.
You like everyone else get excited because you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and you want everything right now. It takes time to heal from all the things that have happened. Take that time in order for you both to heal completely. Pray that the Lord will heal your husband's heart completely and bring him back whole to you.
You are a part of that process and he is reaching out to you, but at the same time, he is scared. That is normal because he is being reminded of everything that he has done and trust me, those pictures are not the greatest to look at. Even you know that now because you experienced it yourself with looking at yourself with a different set of eyes.
I went through the very same thing and it hurts something awful to see yourself the way someone else sees you. That is very much what your husband is going through right now. Everytime you validate his feelings and everytime you build him up and let him know that you appreciate him, you are helping him to heal and get through this.
Eventually most things are going to come out because in order for him to completely heal, he will have to ask you for your forgiveness. Just as you will have to ask for his, if you haven't already, for the part that you played in all of this.
You both are doing very well, it is just something new that you are learning and learning something new is always difficult. They go back and forth quite a bit during this time as well. If you haven't read the Six Stages of MLC, go read it because it will help you alot to understand where your husband is and what he is going through right now.
Things are actually going well with you guys, but it is hard to see it when you are wanting the whole pie and having to settle for just a slice. I know, because I have done that many times myself and the Lord reminds me to slow down that it is coming, but in his timing and not in mine.
Keep reassuring your husband no matter how tired you get of doing that until he feels secure with himself once again. He will get there. The Lord is working on him and he is healing him on area at a time.
I read your post earlier this morning and then went to the gym and pondered it some more.
Of course it always seems there are more questions than answers.
One of the things that has been taking up a lot of my brain today is respect. Again, I am trying to put myself in the shoes of my H. If I had done the things he has done and is now feeling about them, would I respect me for continuing to love him?
He has even said to me that he is not "mate worthy". That he doesn't want to lead me on, because he has made such bad choices in the past and will probably do so for the rest of his life.
If he feels so low about himself and the things that he has done, what are his feelings about why I continue to love him and continue to want to build a new R with him? Does it almost make it worse that I continue to reassure him that I am still here and not wanting to give up? Does that become a safty net?
On the other hand, is it deep down for him a wonderful feeling that I am still here and still willing to love him? Does that make HIM feel even worse? Does it give him a sense of security or give him even more to feel guilty for? Kind of like, "I've done all this that I feel bad for, she still loves me and now I feel bad for that too" ??
Quote: Keep reassuring your husband no matter how tired you get of doing that until he feels secure with himself once again. He will get there. The Lord is working on him and he is healing him on area at a time.
How do I do this without R talks? I am just being his friend, being happy and supportive. Just doesn't seem like enough. Maybe it is enough for him, but because it isn't happening fast enough that I feel it isn't enough for me. I want to hold him and tell him that everything will be alright. That he can trust me and love me.
I want you to think about this for a minute. I had the same questions as you and was getting as frustrated with things as you are right now. Could not see how things were going to work and so on and so on.
I will give you some questions that the Lord gave me that I had to think about before the lightbulb went on. How long does it take you to change something that you have been doing for a very long period of time?
When the Lord is working on you about a particular part of yourself that you need to as for forgiveness for, how long does it take you to see it? Then once you start to see it, how long does it take you to accept yourself and realize that after the mistake you are okay?
How long does it take a person to really realize that the Lord loves them and would do nothing to hurt them? He shows everyone of this day in and day out and yet most of us still question his love for us. He died on the cross for each on of us and yet all of us still ask him if he is there and if he still cares about us.
That is why patience is called for. Your husband needs your encouragement, but he also needs to know that the Lord loves him as well. Think about it for a minute. Remember when the bomb hit and you started going on this journey that you did not ask to go on. Whom did you turn to for help? Like most of us it was the Lord and did someone help you to find the Lord, or did you just turn to him?
See your husband is looking for the same thing that you were when this started. He is looking for peace and he is looking for someone to love him no matter what he does, doesn't do, what he says or what he doesn't say. He has the same need that you did when this first started. He needs to know that someone loves him and someone wants him and someone believes in him. Those are all the things that the Lord gave you through so many different ways and so many different people.
You are doing all the things for your husband that the Lord did for you. You are letting the Lord shine through you and the greatest gift that you can give your husband is the Lord. Then he has the same great gift of life that you have. That is the best gift that you can give your husband.
Just like you, he will be able to feel worthy to be your mate and he will be strong again.
