He wants a divorce but he was expecting me to give it to him and I said "no". I got sick because he said he was going to give it to me and that he was going to get a lawyer. He called me before I went to work to tell me those things. (I tried to type as much as I could on my crappy blackberry.)-Anyways today I was feeling down because it's our wedding anniversary and we are in this situation. I tried not to think about it but it's hard. I was doing better, I didn't call him or txted him for four days until he called me yesterday to drop the bomb! Today I called home and my mom said that H came over to see the little one during his lunch break and asked about my whereabouts. (????)
It has been almost a week that I haven't seen my H and ever since that dreadful phone call he gave me Im not even calling him or texting him. Today I feel better, I went for a jog in the morning to clear my head and I started to think about what he said and like you guys said I shouldn't believe anything he says, because he's hurt and afraid. H called home again and as usual I'm not picking up the phone but my mother does, he asked about the little one and me (again, he asks about my whereabouts) my mom told him I was working (I was actually playing with the little one in the living room). He told my mom that he was going to come over tomorrow to see the little one. I'm a bit scared to see him and I\m not ready to talk to him yet. I need my space and he needs his.
Tomorrow H is coming over to see the little one and I'm planning to talk to him and try to reconcile. Thing is I'm scared....I don't know how to initiate the reconciliation. Need some advice.
you are on a "normal" emotional roller coaster right now. It's understandable. We have all been there or are there.
Have you read the "37 rules" for newbies that ces posted earlier on your thread or that are stickied at the top of the newcomer's forum?
Take some deep breathes. There's nothing that you are going to be able to say or do that is going to make your H come back to you this instant nor chase him away, for good.
OK, that could be argued, but the reality is... it pretty much doesn't happen that way. This process takes time...
That time means you can stabilize yourself and do the DB work and perhaps your M can be saved.
It is unlikely to be saved if you are an emotional wreck. So you really do need to pull yourself together.
Have no talk with your H tomorrow about R (reconciliation). Just be there when he comes to see your child and listen to what he has to say. You do not need to say anything. IF he says nothing, so be it. Let him lead convo...
As Cadet mentioned earlier, your H is telling you he needs space... when the WAS says that, they will get that space, no matter what the LBS does... and that means running far, far away (emotionally or physically) in order to get that space. The sooner the LBS stops chasing, the sooner it is the WAS might stop running away.
I don't remember if you mentioned, have you read the book Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy, yet?
I ordered the DR from Amazon and I haven't received it yet and we are on holiday in Canada right now, so the delivery might take a while I guess...Ok so today I'm not going to initiate the R talk at all, but I'm gonna talk to him about the daycare arrangements because next month my mother won't be able to babysit the little one while I'm away at work and the nanny bailed on me (gosh!). Another thing my family and H's cousin are telling me to give H the divorce they tell me he doesn't deserve me and that if H really wanted to save the M he would've done it a long time ago and etc...They are very concerned mainly about the little one. I'm praying that H comes to his senses.
Understand that you may be tempted to talk to him about the R. Resist that as much as you can. Talking about daycare could lead you to R talk. Stay focused on the convo. And anything he might lead into other than daycare, just listen and validate as best you can.
One of the challenges that most of us feel (being the LBS and even the WAS) is from other people telling us what we should or should not be doing. That happens here as well, of course. Here though, we like to do it under the premise of DBing and helping the LBS save themselves and possibly saving the M.
People have reasons to tell us what we should or should not do. What ever their reasons, the reality is, it is not THEIR M. So they are instructing us either based on their own bias (perhaps they've "been there") or they want you to feel better, or whatever...
In the end, this is about what YOU want. Until or unless YOU want something different. It is not to say that people don't give us good advice. It IS saying that... we need to filter through what is being said. Not throwing out GOOD advice, yet in the same token being open to what we think is BAD advice and at least considering it value or non-value accordingly.
Right now... You need to focus on YOU... and you need to focus on your child. Look at what is your responsibility for the breakdown of the M, do not own what is NOT your responsibility. Improve yourself by fixing things you could do better, and becoming a person that only a fool would leave.
And maybe... your M might be saved, in the process...
And... it all takes time... and patience... it is unlikely to happen over night... over a week... or even over a month... in EITHER direction...
Just thinking of you. Take time to breathe. I'll just say "ditto" to what KD, says above. This can be a long ride so buckle up. And the best way to buckle up is to take care of yourself. The stronger and more confident you are in yourself the more you have to give to the situation.
Hope the meeting goes OK today. Keep us posted.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Today around 9 am I had to go to my mother"s she was not feeling well, H called around noon because he was coming over I told him my mother is sick and that I was @ my mother's and that I'll call him whenever I was back home. I called him when I just got home because I wanted to know if he still wanted to see the little one (3 days not seeing his son). Anyways we chatted for a bit and he said he couldn't come over because he had too much to drink and then he swung the "papers" :"Amelie, I don't know how to get those papers (meaning the D papers)..." I told him "listen I don't want to talk about those things specially by phone, so come tomorrow to see the little one, have a good night"
TOmorrow I'll be out of town working, and my mother-in-law will be babysitting. So I won't be seeing his face for a while (it has been now a week without seeing him face to face). I'm taking care of myself and reading a good books. Thanks for the tips :0)
"Amelie, I don't know how to get those papers (meaning the D papers)..." I told him "listen I don't want to talk about those things specially by phone, so come tomorrow to see the little one, have a good night"
Good job diverting that conversation. If your H wants a divorce he needs to do the work. I made the mistake of getting svcked into H's anxiety and out of control spinning and did every single bit of the work required for a separation I didn't want. Don't make my mistake.
One or two of the vets will have a suggestion for what to say when your H says he doesn't know how to get the D papers.
All the best. Seems like you're doing OK.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
H wants the divorce, yet he wants me to tell him where and how to get the papers?! I guess he had too much to drink?? (his drinking has been out of control ever since I found out also he started to smoke) Also he told me today he hasn't found an apartment (???) when I told him about the daycare arraignments for the little one. He's still "couch surfing" at his friends' apartment.
