Water I'm glad things are looking good for you and am jealous you're having a littel BB get together! It would so nice to put actual faces with all this wonderful advice!
How wonderful to actually meet someone who truly understands. SG and I had a nice dinner and a good glass of wine!
We talked about our sit, our kids, of course H's and ourselves. No problems of the world were solved, but it did feel good! We are looking forward to you coming out!!
Not a lot going on with my sit.
We paged each other yesterday some sexy messages. I haven't talked to him since Tuesday morning.
Now what??? I would like him to call me. I know he has called son, so he is able to call.
I'm struggling today in libo land. I don't want to push. But I hate not knowing what he is feeling or thinking. It's like I just want to throw out little feelers to just see where he is.
Trying to keep PMA up today. Had a long talk with God in the car this morning. Just cried.
H will be on his way to his family's house today and be there until Monday.
water, glad things went so well - i can't wait to meet the both of you...there are others i am trying to contact that are from the bay area, so maybe we can spend a day down there? what do you think???
i got my airline tickets today, so i am starting to make the arrangements...i will be there NEXT WEEK!!!
as far as your husband? my initial thoughts are this...things are JUST starting to happen, DO NOT RUSH THINGS ok? give him some space to absorb everything that is going on...time for explanations will come LATER
Greetings~ I am thinking of Valentines day. He has acknowleged it already with me. A gift just seems inappropriate at this point. I'm feeling like we are at a new point in wherever we are. This is a first draft of what I would like to give him. Apology and Forgiveness.
Happy Valentines Day!
Hummm what could be a fitting gift for you on this day? I realize this is not a gift you can hold in your hand, but perhaps your heart will get use out of it.
The first gift I want to give you is an apology. I’m Sorry. These two words can mean such a range of things – very light and generalized to deep and heart felt. They can be hollow and meaningless or true to the core. This apology is the later. I know I have probably said I’m Sorry to you a million times in my life. So what is different now? What makes this time different than the other 999,999 times? In the past I have said this in an attempt to make myself feel better. I’m sorry – go on with life… wait a minute, that’s not right. Am I really thinking to myself that all is forgiven? Gee you’re great Laurie. NO, I have been missing the point – it’s not about making me feel better, it’s about making YOU feel better. It’s about taking away your pain and making it so that it NEVER happens again. It’s about making it really mean something, that I have put myself in your place and truly felt what you feel.
Why was all this and more so hard to see? Because I was looking inside at me instead of outside to you. While looking inside I get to keep swimming in the pain I was feeling. Isn’t that convenient? I don’t have to admit my faults and still get you to take the blame. Looking inside also forces another issue to come up. Facing the pain and letting it go. That is called forgiveness, and your second gift. I don’t want the hurt around anymore. I have no use for it. Apologizing and Forgiving go hand in hand. If the forgiveness is not given as well, then it is as the prime ground for resentment to start again. No thank you. I can only be free to be me without that holding me back. I’m choosing the direction of healing, harmony and growth. I can only let the hurt go by offering forgiveness.
water, I started reading your post and then couldn't take it.
Why are you apologizing for everything you have said or done. Ask yourself; will this get me closer or farther from my goal? Do not grovel or beg. I feel this is what you are doing. I don't think it would be a good idea to send him a book on apologies at this point. It's my 2 cents, it's your final decision. But when I read your post red lights starting going off in my head!
I was definatly in a strange place yesterday. I have apologized in the past and he has always asked "what does that MEAN" He wanted more. Maybe to make himself feel better? My first thought was wanting to give him Forgiveness. But thought that may come across as kind of backwards. I want to let him know that he is ok to let go of the guilt. Maybe there isn't anything that will suddenly unlock that within him. But I want him to know. I have read several old old posts from the WAS and they said that it was important to know that forgiveness was there. I can imagine what a hurdle that would be to get over. First you feel sooo bad, then start to feel like you want to come back but don't want to run into a brick wall.
I have to agree with what Deb was saying. As I read your post I was wondering if I had missed something about your sitch that you needed to apologize for.
As for forgiveness, this is an issue I am working with big time. I think you have to really feel like you have forgiven your spouse in your heart before they can feel it really coming from you. Also, I am not sure if you have been working through the forgiveness exercise on Sage's thread? I started it and the first step blew me away. I realized that I was guilty of doing everything I was mad at my H for. (Betrayal, lying, etc) Of course the difference is that I was a severely depressed 17 year old at the time, not a 41-year-old adult, yet the realization did give me some empathy.
I think if there is some simpler way to let you H know that you are ready to forgive him, you might get better results. Just my 2 cents worth! SG
PS It was great getting together, lets do it agin sometime!
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
Quote: It is 1:00am and I went over to his hotel room. ... <SNIP> ... Then he adds, too bad I have hurt him so much in the past.
I believe if your letter is a direct response to this, it may work. You are 100% responsible for your 50% of the M. For every choice you made to interact in a way that would cause S to drift further away from you. Everyone is guilty of this on some level. It can have a very significant impact on the WAS to apologize for our part where we choose not to work on nuturing at keeping our bond closer. It also lets them know we are aware of many of the areas where our M's went wrong, so now steps can be taken to repair the damage, to heal, and to prevent them from occuring again. No, we are not asking them to partake in the rebuilding. We're doing it on our behalf for now so they can see that it is not wasted effort.
Its a form of teaching the WAS solution based therapy not in the form of words as in Michelle's books or this bb, because the WAS has tuned out this form of receiving new information, but in the form of doing SBT where the WAS will notice the results. These are 180's & acting "as-if" to break our cycles of shortcomings.
In Water's letter she is doing the 180 of breaking the cycle of H's perception of superficial apologies. Simply by taking the effort to put her heart felt words on paper is doing something different that may break the cycle. Nothing wrong in trying and monitor closely to see if it has the impact you are looking for.
Quote: We paged each other yesterday some sexy messages. I haven't talked to him since Tuesday morning.
Now what??? ...I'm struggling today in libo land. I don't want to push. But I hate not knowing what he is feeling or thinking. It's like I just want to throw out little feelers to just see where he is.
This is tightrope! It tricky to find the proper balance. You want to continue the good interactions between you, but put too many feelers out there and they may give him the "willies"! With his depression, there will be times where he withdraws back into his tunnel and you don't want to be lured into chasing after him. Most times is best to let them lead in initiating contact. In your case, I'll wager you won't have to wait too long before he wants to talk to you again. I would suggest reading thru some of Phoenix_In_Bloom (was Phoenix_In_Training then) older threads. She, too, DB'd over long distant contact.
Water ... you have lotsa positive baby steps here, but continue work at keeping your expectations at the zero level for your own sanity, because there will be times where he will pull back ... but don't fret about that. So long as you are his rock, he will keep coming back more and more.
