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Yesterday, I went out with my friend to do errands and when I called home and asked my mother about my little one she said H called and asked for me again and she told him "She left early this morning and she hasn't been back". 4 days without calling him and txting him. I keep reading the 180 bootcamp and DB book. Thanks for your advice everyone <3

Amelie,

You're doing great in a tough situation. Keep focusing on you and your child.

Keep posting with questions, concerns or just to vent. We're here to support you.

This is so hard, tomorrow we were supposed to celebrate our wedding anniversary and I woke up sad . He calls asks for me but I don't see him doing anything to save our marriage

Amelie,

This is an awful way to spend an anniversary. I'm very sorry for you. Do you have plans for what you will do?

Its very easy to focus on all the actions/behaviors your spouse is doing that is harming your marriage. But in the end, that focus is not productive for you or your marriage.

So what parts of the DR book are hitting home for you? How are you doing with processing all of this right now?

I feel sad, today I'm going to work and stay overnight in a different city and come back home tomorrow. I don't know why I feel he maybe got used to the single life and he's enjoying the freedom. All those crazy thoughts start running in my head, that he's probably with different women partying and awful thoughts like that. I don't have the DR remedy yet, I ordered it from Amazon a few days ago.

Amelie,

Controlling your thoughts (assumptions) is one of the hardest and most beneficial things you can do right now. It takes effort and practice. You can do it.

You may have seen these already but since you're still waiting on the DR book, I wanted to post to you here so you can get to it easily. This is a good list of guidelines to help you focus on actions and thought behaviors that can help you deal with things. Take a look and digest it a bit.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes

H called me and dropped the Bomb on me he says its over and that he doesn't want to see me suffer and that he mesed up everything. He wants me to give him the divorce, I said to him that when I said that I wanted a divorce I was angry and he said "well if you don't file it I will" I thought about it and this is not going to work out. I love our son but our marriage is over. "I told him to have a nice day and I hung up the phone.ever since that phone call I feel sick to my stomach.

Amelie,

Just to make sure I read that right. who said "I love my son but our marraige is over". Was that your or your H?

In these sitch's we can all say things in a highly emotional state. That doesn't mean its for real though. Do you know what you want for certain? Have you read through any of the other posts on this board? There are quite a few examples of WASs who said it was over only to return and work on the M. It typically takes a long time to heal and it helps to accept that it will take longer than you would like.

So how are you doing today and what's running through your mind?

DIVORCE = SPACE

You should give him as much as possible.
If you don't want a divorce then make him do the work.
If it is what you want then that is a different story.
But I think (and I am mindreading) that you feel sick becasue you do not want a divorce.
Is that correct?

So if you do not want it then you need to start to think counterinutitively.
Stop pursuing him and let him file for the divorce and do all the work.
Go dark or no contact with him while he is pursuing the divorce.

Believe none of what he says and 1/2 of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Learn about detachment and start to do it.

These are all things that YOU can do.

Keep reading and posting.

Hi Amelie. I feel like my sitch is very similar to yours. My H is having ANOTHER ea (just found out last night. Ugh) and it kills me. It would almost be easier if he just had sex with her, but the fact that he just wants to spend time with this OW is worse.

Hold on. It hurts, but you need to keep doing what you are doing. If he wants a D, he can get one himself. I wouldn't do anything to make that process easier for him. I would talk to a lawyer, though, so that you know your rights and can start to protect yourself.