Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New to this and hating it.

I am sorry about what you are going through. I am new here as well. I hope things turn out the way you want them to.

I haven't really defined goals other than I want to be happy which I am acheiving. I spend time with my kids and with friends often. I am busy 4-5 days each week. I have lost weight through stress but continue to maintain the weight loss through portioning and exercise. I have renewed old friendships and made new ones. I joined a church support group.

I haven't spoken to H in 5 days when he dropped by unannounced and uninvited. I'm okay with that. I don't know how long I should go without contacting him and actually hope he'll contact me before I have to find out. Not sure if or when he will, but in the meantime, I am doing fine by not reaching out.

I am in a much better place than when this all started. I reflect upon my marriage frequently. When he left, everything was fixable. His actions since then are appalling. I know they are still fixable should he ever want to, but I will be the one making the decision if/when that happens.

At least that's how I feel today. As you all know, emotions are up, down and all over the place. They change day to day, moment to moment. I'm heading out in a few minutes to meet up with some girlfriends to catch up.

It's been 8 days since I had any contact with H. I am not moping around waiting, but am curious when I will next hear from him. I am actually staying very busy with my kids and friends. I don't want to get blindsided by divorce papers. I know it's what he wants and plans to do, but I would hope he would notify me first.

My son misses him and has asked about him. I don't know what to say so I just listen.

I have reconnected and/or met people who divorced or are getting a divorce this year. It's amazing how disposable marriages have become. It's sad to tear families apart and live different lifestyles due to finances. That's the one thing that scares me most...not knowing my financial future.

Anyway. I'm getting through one day at a time and most days are pretty happy.

Jannie,

I know what you are feeling. I am just starting this and today is my first day of not contacting my wife. I am having a good day and just focused on spending the day with my son

hi jannie,

i am so sorry that you are here and in such pain. this site has been a lifesaver for me and can be for you to. the people here are wonderful and supportive. it is a great place to vent and process all the mixed up emotions and thoughts you are experiencing so that you don't spill them out elsewhere.

this is a good place to grow, learn about yourself and become a stronger you. keep posting so we can know you and your sitch. i promise that it does get better..

((( )))

I'm looking for advice. Do I contact him? Do I leave him alone and if so, how long? Our son misses him, should I tell him that? I don't know what to say to our son when he brings up his dad.

Jannie,
Sorry you find yourself here, but there is much knowledge to be gained and plenty of support here.

I would say you need to leave him alone until he contacts you. Surely your son can call him without you having to talk to him. I certainly would let him do that, even if you have to dial it for him, but I wouldnt speak to him unless during the conversation with your son he asks to speak to you.

Its hard to have no contact, and very frustrating wondering how someone you've been with so long can just all at once pretend you don't exist, but contacting him is pursuing and pursuing is bad.

The hardest thing to do is do nothing, but thats what your faced with at this time. But if you do contact him, please don't try to tap into his heart by telling him how much his son misses him.

I failed early on and tried to talk about our relationship, and I would venture to guess that most do fail in the aspect of trying to talk to their spouse, but it will only cause you to beat yourself up, or worse yet end up heart b/c he will most likely be cold and distant.

Do yourself a favor and wait....how long? Until he contacts you would be my answer.

hi jannie,

if i were you i would read, read, read as much as i could of the other threads to try and find some sitches which you feel are similar and to learn from how others have handled things..

i am not sure if this resonates for you and your sitch but this post by Sparky spoke to me when i was beginning this journey. going dark is a technique that you may or may not feel fits for you, but I think Sparky's explanation of how our actions impact our WAS and how they are feeling right now is helpful for all..

"Going dark is the chance to work on you and to allow the spouse that left you to go through the journey they need to go through. If you start butting into that when they have made it clear that they don't want to be with you, then you come off as someone who is not honoring their request. You are short-circuiting the journey they have to go through to work out what is going on inside themselves.

There was obviously something very wrong that made them decide they wanted out in the first place. Oftentimes, it is probably the case that they are depressed and they have lost faith that anything can ever change. That patterns are set and are not reversible. It's a sign of depression to feel this kind of hopelessness.

One thing they knew for sure was that they did not want you in the picture. When people are depressed and confused about their identity like many people who request separations are, they become cognitively disorganized and impulsive in their choices. And when you are coming at them trying to make them stay with you, it just feels bad and like there's a pressure there to stay where they were.

And they don't want to stay where they were. They are wanting big changes. And if you stay the same as you always have been, and are unwilling to allow them to go on the journey that they need, or you are setting agendas about how they need to be, you just look like a controlling wench or [censored]. You become a representation of what they were trying to get away from.

As long as you keep pressuring them, you don't stand a chance. You will remain the embodiment of those bad feelings they are having. You will be something to avoid. You will make it very easy for them to continue to project or blame you for the bad feelings that reside inside of them.

If they are alone with those bad feelings still lingering inside, and you are nowhere in the vicinity, then perhaps they will begin to see that the pain they were feeling was really about something unhealed inside of them rather than something about you. You need to cut that link between bad feelings and you.

If you want there to ever be a future between you and your spouse, I believe you have to let your spouse take the journey that is rightfully theirs, even if they way they are communicating that to you [censored]. Even if it hurts like nothing else you've ever felt. If you love them, you have to let them go through that.

And you can't keep looking over to see if they are done yet. It's suffocating. Instead, this is your chance to learn new things. Walk around in your feelings and see what is unhealed in you that makes it so easy for you to feel crazy about this crappy situation in which you find yourself.

You have the gift of time now, and the focusing energy of pain. Don't feel all of this pain without getting your money's worth. Surrender to what is really happening. Face it head on. Summer in the MLC area says that you should stay dark UNLESS your spouse initiates a contact.

For me, there have been two main contacts. First, he called me several weeks ago, and we ended up talking for over an hour. Then, he told me that he wanted to meet with me to tell me some "news." At first, I did not meet with him, because I was not ready to feel more pain. I knew the news wasn't going to be good. But last week, I finally decided to recontact him and tell him that I was ready to meet to hear his news.

His news was that he was seeing the woman I had at first feared he was seeing. But I met when I was good and ready, and it was actually a really productive and authentic contact. I was ready to be calm and not plead and hear his news. And I think that even though he is with another woman, this contact was a good one, even though it was about painful stuff.

When I allow my husband to be the initiator, then he has to know that he wanted to see me. And from being dark, I, Sparky, have actually become a bit mysterious to my husband - which is hilarious, becase I'm the least mysterious person you will ever meet. And he was intrigued. And I liked it. And I'm going to keep doing this because I thing that not only is it "working," but I'm using all this time to grow as I never thought I would.

The worst thing that ever happened to me has been the best thing that ever happened to me. And even though I still feel a lot of pain, I mean that sincerely."

Look for many of Cadet's posts. He has been like an angel for me and his posts offer good resources of other threads and posts on the board.. Take care.

I have actually read that and many others on this forum. I agree about "going dark" for the reasons mentioned AND because it separates me from the pain and keeps me from moping and crying all the time. So it is allowing him time to go through his journey and keeping me sane at the same time. Win/win.

ng, great post. I hadn't seen it before. Makes a lot of sense.

Jannie, it sounds like you are doing and thinking the right things. You sound like a logical person.

I'm sorry you have to be here, but it's a good place to be!!!