wow, Hopeful - you and H have been through a lot. so sorry to hear that his reaction to the PTSD is to have an affair - but I agree with KML's remark about the affair being a way of "self-medicating". an affair is a fantasy world with no responsibilities, while your marriage is "real life". so that is what attracts him, not anything special about OW. you sound ten times better than her anyway.
don't let your friends pressure you, you are not being a "doormat". keep up that good positive attitude of working on yourself, and being ready to work on the marriage, but not approving of his affair. it is a very delicate balance.
the lighthouse analogy made me think of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zifZnkKxiro - a little corny, but inspiring. (in the movie, she is a lighthouse keeper, hoping that her fiance, a sailor whose ship was lost at sea, will return. of course, this being a Disney movie, he does.)
KML and Starsky wrote some good advice for you, and you are reading DB and DR and getting good info from there.
keep up your efforts and work on yourself, and hopefully H will realize who is really there for him and who is just a bit of fluff on the side. if he is unable to do that, at least you will know you gave it your best effort, and you will have improved yourself in the meantime.
Thank you too trusting... I appreciate the kind words.
Yes I am reading DR, but have to buy DB. I am just trying to take my time, but sometimes its hard because I feel like his relationship with her is priority. Like last night I get this text "Hey honey, I won't be able to come to the house tonight like I wanted. I love you and miss you and am thinking about you. Good night and sweet dreams."-- All of this while he is probably at OW's house. This is where I sometimes feel like pushing him away, and saying be 100 percent with her, because I am tired of hurting, but them I slowly count to ten and breathe.
He will be here in a few minutes at my work to pick up his uniform, and then he will probably want me to go to breakfast with him. Its so hard to know what to do. I guess right now I am trying to figure out which technique works best for my situation. My husband is still very loving towards me, has never told me that he isn't in love with me anymore, just that he was in a bad place, and now he doesn't know how to get out of it, but I guess I feel like if he wanted out he would find the strength to end it with the OW. Its definitely hard, not black and white, and a lot of grey. For now, I am going with the just being his friend technique, until I can read both books in their entirity to see what is the best option. I am so happy I found this place, and appreciate everyone being kind and supportive of me wanting to work on my marriage, and not making me feel like I should have hit the door six months ago, its a breathe of fresh air for once.
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
If OW is using drugs, do you think your H has developed a drug problem too?
Also - if you ever find yourself in another conversation in which he says he just doesn't know how to get out of the situation with OW - you might simply ask him if there is anything he wants you to do?
He sounds very depressed and confused. Would he be open to any holistic support for his brain healing? At the very least, he should be taking a B complex, fish oil, vitamin D, and getting regular exercise and whole foods. And EMDR is probably worth a try. Also, Tai Chi or meditation or yoga may go a long ways towards calming those PTSD pathways.
Thanks Kml... we had a conversation this morning, and once again he says that he doesn't know how his life got to this point. I voiced my concern that it seems like this relationship with the OW is priority over our marriage, he says that all he is asking is for me to love him and give him time to break away from the other woman (so I don't know if he is really weak and stuck, or if he is just playing me). He says if it comes down to it, and he thinks he cannot break away on his own, he will ask me for help. Basically what he is trying to do is find her cheating on him, or a reason to break it off with her, where it is her fault and not his. I asked him why he didn't come home last night, and he said because she guilt tripped him. So I don't know what to believe, is my husband being emotionally manipulated by this woman and he is too weak, and hates himself so much that he has no fight in him? Or am I stupid?? I still plan on getting a life, and setting goals for myself, but perhaps being there for him as a friend, but nothing more right now. We don't have any family here and we are the only family we have. Its very confusing. I go to his therapy appointments with him, but he is not taking any of the vitamins mentioned or holistic approaches. He did do some cognitive therapy and exposure therapy back at Walter Reed that seemed to help him, and he used to have me read him a book while he took a bath called "once a warrior always a warrior" that explained about PTSD. There are books out there too on the PTSD relationship and so on, although they don't really touch on affairs as an escape mechanism or distraction. I told him today I just want to see him happy, and he said well I have told you before I am not happy with myself and I have to love myself and that's what I need to work on. I am so torn between what to do you know? But it helps just to write it all down and be honest without being judged or called a doormat for loving my husband through this pain and difficult time. He is picking me up for lunch, don't know if that is a good idea, but I haven't seen him since Saturday. Thanks for the help guys.
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
You might point out to him, though, that it's not kind to keep leading the OW on - the longer this continues, the more expectations she will have. Perhaps if you couched it in those terms of being kinder to break up with her now, he would see it.
Some OW are incredibly manipulative; others were suckered in by stories of how the marriage was "already over" etc.
But as long as you stick to the high road and keep showing him the strong independent faithful person you are, the better you look in comparison.
Thanks Kml... we had a conversation this morning, and once again he says that he doesn't know how his life got to this point. I voiced my concern that it seems like this relationship with the OW is priority over our marriage, he says that all he is asking is for me to love him and give him time to break away from the other woman (so I don't know if he is really weak and stuck, or if he is just playing me). He says if it comes down to it, and he thinks he cannot break away on his own, he will ask me for help. Basically what he is trying to do is find her cheating on him, or a reason to break it off with her, where it is her fault and not his. I asked him why he didn't come home last night, and he said because she guilt tripped him. So I don't know what to believe, is my husband being emotionally manipulated by this woman and he is too weak, and hates himself so much that he has no fight in him? Or am I stupid??
I don't think you're stupid, Hopeful84, but I do think your husband is playing you. I mean, he's looking you right in the face and telling you "I need you to be my backup plan, in case this affair I'm having doesn't work out." I've posted here before that once the "I'm having an affair, YOU KNOW I'm having an affair, and now I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW that I'm having an affair" thing becomes the marital dynamic, I believe it's SERIOUSLY destructive to remain in such a situation. Because the cheating spouse rapidly loses respect (and therefore, love) for you, and perhaps even more importantly the betrayed spouse loses all SELF-respect.
I don't think it's stating it too strongly to say it's a form of emotional abuse, for a cheating spouse to continue to cheat, when they know their spouse already knows about it and lets them know how hurtful it is to them and to the marriage.
In my opinion, I think you should give him what he seems to want, and to let him go. It'll make YOU feel infitely better, and it will have the simultaneous effect of making you more attractive to him, should he decide to come to his senses.
Perfectly said Starsky.. and you matched my feelings perfectly...
I told him that exactly, so what? I am the backup plan?
I even told him I have to let you go... he can get upset all he wants...blame it on his PTSD all he wants... but at some point I have to respect myself enough to say enough is enough...
I agree with you completely...
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
