Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Needing some guidance... 5

JKS, I totally feel for you and you are really being strong and thoughtful here, it will get better. (((())))

jks

for my MIL, it was her weakness, not control. She was a weak woman in her way (though hard working, I'll give her that). She simply could not say a word to either of her sons about what they did wrong. It was always the wife's fault, the bosses, the teachers, etc...even when she DID believe her son's had erred, she just could not tell them "no".

I did not expect sympathy from her but I DID expect her to reach out to our kids...our girls were still at home and got NO phone calls from her in 2 years...

close to being unforgivable, yet when she got cancer, we went to her and cared for her til she died. I'm glad about that.

Anyhow, ONE suggestion about getting thru the toughest times...

something that worked FOR ME anyhow...was an exercise from Marianne Williamson's book "Return to Love" --Or her book "Gift of Change" or "Handling Anger and Fear" b/c I read all of her stuff.

She's new agey for some but I like her and

her exercises on letting go and moving forward in a positive way, resonated with me.

(Sorry if I already told you this but I forget who I posted this too before)
ANYHOW

So I'd literally pray out loud in the shower (so my kids didn't think I was nuts)

and I'd tell God I was turning my marriage/anger/pain, over to HIM.

(You can turn OW over to Him too...) It's ALL beyond your control anyhow.

Thinking about releasing it to HiM, saying it out loud, and hearing yourself say it

all helps it sink in. Helps it become real.

When I expected my h to call, I'd do it sometimes 100 times before his call. It always soothed me b/c it was "out of my hands" so there was nothing for me to fight about or fight for, AND I felt like I could relax a bit.

I didn't have to win every conversation...i Just had to not fight in them...I just had to be pleasant, warm but not overly interested, etc.

At one point my DB coach told me to "listen like a lover" when h shared work concerns or other things on his mind (obviously would not apply to OW)

and I tried hard to do that. I did NOT think I could and sometimes I wondered if I should. But I trusted her a lot.

It surprised me how fast he positively reacted. he began calling me daily. Sometimes more than that

and that's after days or weeks of no contact, often none to the kids too.

And this was an INVOLVED father before he left. He was into it. Playing with them nurtured him and still does

but there's a wall that wasn't there before, with our oldest d. They are working on it and it IS better.

Anyhow, thought I'd pass that on.

If he still talks about wanting to end things with OW, expresses feelings for you, imagine, for a second, how insecure she must feel about it? Gee...too bad...


Still, Regardless of what you want, I think presenting around him without all the anger is truly honestly 100% in YOUR interest, not to mention the marriage.

I'm talking even if you never reconcile. The anger does NOT HELP YOU. It can consume you and make you bitter.

It is not your friend.



Never forget you are the mother of his children, and you are now returning to a better version of who he fell in love with.

Of course he's confused and wondering.

The question is, where are YOU going to be when he gets out of his daze?

GAL for sure...

can you tell us ONE thing new you'll join or do, THIS MONTH?

A club, class, seminar, sport, event, concert, group, meeting, that you will commit to doing THIS MONTH...

I'm telling you this for sure. The reason we hammer the "GAL!!" So much

is b/c it works. It just does. The hardest part is overcoming the inertia you feel-

but you will never ever regret stretching and getting out there and GAL.

((( )))

hello jks, i can only imagine how you felt when D6 was telling her story at the dentist. how very, very painful.

now, can you imagine how it might have gone with H if you would have told him how it was so painful to hear D tell this story? how it was like a knife in your heart to hear how special he made OW's birthday. how it hurts so much?

instead, he felt your anger and was confused.

it may be hard for him to drop OW because he feels safe there. maybe it's a place without anger?

i've read others say on here to not give the WAS confirmation that leaving was the right thing to do by directing anger towards them.

i'm trying to stop my anger when it shows its UGLY head. my anger is a cover up for my pain and fear.

when i express pain and fear, and not try to blame someone for it, it belongs to me and i'm letting them know that it's what i'm dealing with, not something for them to fix.

it's not easy and i don't always do it correctly but it helps.

again, i'm not in your shoes and when i read your experience, i felt so sorry for you.

(((())))

jks, how are you doing? How is the weekend looking for you? Any plans?

Thanks so much for asking about me on my thread!

My posts are always so long--but it helps to get it out!!

Jks, I read your advice to other folks on their threads and it helps me. Even, or should I say especially, the very basics.

You've got a great perspective (be it from pain and experience) and I enjoy it.

Just thanking you for reaching out and sharing......

Ever have the thought that what you thought was best for you in your life may not be what you thought after all?

I am stronger. I am more independent and the future doesn't scare me as much anymore. People change and for all I know, H was sent into my life to show me what it is that I REALLY want out of a M. Would I have chosen for things to go in this direction? Never. But I never would have been given this opportunity to find what really matters to ME.

My faith in God and family is my biggest priority. I would love a H that pushes me and guides me only to seek further into that faith. I married my H believing these were his goals as well. He was a very spiritual person. And spiritually I thought he was going to be the head of our family. That has been a major disappointment of mine. He still expresses to me that he doesn't know if our religion will ever be a part of his life again. When I think of what all that means... I am heartbroken for him. I used to be heartbroken for myself but I realize now that I will be fine. He is a good person but right now he's letting poor choices over rule his life.

I'm only stating this today because it does make me realize that there is so much more that I want for myself and for my children. I know H will always be a great father but he lacks the spiritual guidance my children need to overcome the insanity of this world we live in. It reminds me that I am not the only one that was the fall out of our R. It puts things into perspective that he really may not be all I want in a man.

When people ask me how I'm doing what I'm doing, my answer is... through turning my life over to God. I know he will take care of me through his comfort and his love. I know what I'm doing is right. Am I perfect? No. But I will get through some how. This is the only way I know.

Still thinking, 25, about something I can join or do that will be different and help me GAL even more. I will research some things and update when I've figured it out. I do have two photo shoots next week that will be keeping me busy on my days off from my kids. Every little bit helps.

RH, thank you for your kind words and for keeping up on me. No plans this weekend. My parents took me and the kids boating yesterday and it was a blast. Just trying to get things cleaned up today and I have another walk planned with my "wise" friend tomorrow night. I still do not contact H unless it is business matters only. We finally worked out an agreement on how much money he would be transferring over to me every two weeks which has alleviated a lot of stress for me.

JKS, this is about where I am in my sitch and you expressed it beautifully. I've had time to learn about what a M really should be and I never had that with H. I was happy before the BD, but I could never go back to that same M, even if H wanted to.

You seem very strong and I'm sure you'll get through this okay. You're learning a lot about yourself and what you want out of life. While you didn't ask for this, you're coping very well.

wondering if what you always thought would be best for you and or, your family (which are usually the same, I hope)

might not be, is among the most terrifying questions we can come across.

Same goes for "is this person, the person I thought and or, who I need in my life?"

all I can say is that I hope somehow we/you can see those questions as opportunities for change, and growth.

You can exercise choice, which means you are a free woman.

You can empower yourself, so when you make a choice, you can embrace the responsibility that entails. After all, this is what YOU chose for your life and you

will make the most of it.

I hope that makes sense.

My main point is, I get what you are saying and it can be very disturbing.

As for his crisis of faith, at this time I'm not sure how big an issue it'll be in the long run.

He's in so much turmoil and he has to reconcile his self image with some actions he'd have condemned or judged, not too long ago. That's a lot going on.

I also don't know your religion. But I can tell you that when I saw my h's dog tags for the military saying "no preference" I was VERY upset (he's getting deployed with his reserve unit in a few weeks. NOT expecting that curve ball).

I asked him about it and he explained that his previous preference was for his mother's sake, but since she has died, and he has not officially joined my church (they were very similar and it wasn't an issue for us. Same sacraments, etc)

he felt I (ME) should decide how to bury him if something were to happen to him. I accepted that answer but my point is, I get what you are concerned about.

You made a comment about men leading the family spiritually. I understand your desire for that. Newsflash though...reality...Most families in America have mothers who attend church more and speak of religion more, than the fathers do.

ANYHOW let us know when you JOIN/SIGN UP for "X"...

hey how about skydiving?

Hey I'm serious!

I did it for my 50th and it sure makes an impression on you and your kids. And I loved it. I already did it a second time with my S26. He loved it too.

Just a suggestion!!

25, I am LDS. Not sure if you know what that means. Google it, if not. LOL! H served a 2 year LDS mission when he turned 19. This is why it's very hard for me to believe it isn't still inside him somewhere. And it is a huge concern. It is very much a lifestyle change that he's going through. He knows the seriousness of what he's done but he chooses to say "I don't believe in it anymore" to erase any guilt that might be associated with him and the church. I know it has to be the only way he can have a clear conscience and still believe that what he's doing is ok. It's for his happiness, right?

The thought of having to deal with the religion issue with him for the rest of my life, actually makes me shudder. I cannot be with someone who doesn't view LIFE the same as I do. When we were married... our goals and hopes for our family were to raise our kids LDS and continue to live it and grow together with it. Wow. If he only knew that if he were to seek after it again... truly seek after it he would find the answers of what he needs to do and it would be quite clear. His confusion would diminish and he would have a sense of peace.

I cannot make him see it. I don't know if he'll ever see it. But I will continue to follow my heart. Life will teach him his lesson... not me.

It is terrifying, 25, and at the same time it's almost freeing. I'm starting to get the answers that I've been so confused about for so long. I have been fighting this a lot. Trying to hold on to our family and what I believed was the "best thing" for us. And in a way, I may just be holding myself back.

This might be just a moment of clarity and I might feel different next week. In fact, I can probably guarantee that one. You know me... the emotional crazy lady. What's funny is that I can see that my H is having these moments of clarity too. They don't last long but he is having them. What does this all mean? Some deep stuff here...