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Hubby was holed up in the den playing video games for years. Withdrew from me, the kids, family and all friends. He only complained about work causing stress. At first he still did family things with us but never did anything around the house. We fought about that often. Over time, I lost the fight and just let him play his games. I went to all the kids' functions and took them places for fun and hung out with friends. I could tell we were growing apart but never thought it would end our marriage.
Prior to this, he had even been withdrawn at work and his quality of work was down. There was another issue at work which nearly cost him his job. He was required to go to counseling. He first had to go to his MD and was diagnosed with low testosterone and clinical depression. He refused anti-depressants but did take meds for the low testosterone. He went to counseling. They talked about what causes his stress and since he was unable to make a job change to reduce the stress, they discussed ways to deal with it better. He told me that and that he regretted having a second child. After all the counseling sessions and taking the medication, he got better for awhile. Seemed happier and did more things with us. A few months later, he decided he didn't like the meds and went off them. He was closed up again.
About the second child...he didn't want one and it was always an issue with us. We fought about it for years. One day I handed him my pack of pills and said if he didn't want to have another child then he needed to figure out the birth control. He did. We had sex only the first couple of days after my periods. After a couple of years, I began missing periods and found out the I have polycystic ovaries. The doctor offered fertility drugs if I wanted to get pregnant. I refused since my husband was not on board.
After a lot more discussion, he agreed to a second child although he wanted to wait another year. I knew he was only giving in because I may not be able to conceive. That was okay with me. I just wanted him on board to let nature take its course and see what would happen. Luck was on my side and I became pregnant.
He was stunned and said he didn't want to tell anyone until the pregnancy was confirmed by a doctor. That worried me, but then he went to work and told everyone. He was excited about decorating the nursery and a doting dad when our son was born.
A couple of guys he works with had children around the same time. They always compared their children with each other. My husband was very proud of his boy. I had no reason to believe he resented him.
Then! Ten years later he tells me he regrets and resents me for having him and also regrets and resents our son.
All this happened in May. June 14th he moved out. We didn't fight about it. He was tense living here after dropping the bomb so it was difficult to say the least. I was able to keep calm until he started acting like an old fool by suddenly keeping company with a younger crowd. Then he took in a roommate...female and young. I would like to believe him when he says they are just friends, but I'm not that naive. Maybe they are, but even so, it does not look appropriate for him to have a roomate just a few years older than our oldest child.
Fights began after that and lasted about two weeks. A lot of mean things were said. My self esteem was crushed. He wanted no contact at all and didn't even make plans for the kids.
We barely speak now but at least we are cordial. I've read the books. I even knew to stay calm before reading them as we had similiar issues after our first year of marriage.
Anyway, today I still leave the door open for our marriage even though he gives me no reason to believe he'll ever want it again. I am stronger and have a network of supporters. I don't even like who he is at the moment so it's been easy to just let him have space. I leave the door open because I believe in marriage and keeping our family together. But honestly, I'm doing my own soul searching at this time.

Welcome to the board.

You need to let him go.

Get the DR book and read it.
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

I'm sorry you find your self here Janne but this is the best place to be considering the circumstances.

Did your h have any complaints about you or the marriage?

Please continue to post.

Wishing u and your family the best!

I didn't know how to find my thread before now. Still trying to figure out the board. My husband did not complain about me or our marriage. He made suggestions about getting healthy by exercising and losing weight. We were both overweight and out of shape. I tried to get him to do it with me so we could motivate each other but got no response. Until he dropped the bomb, his only complaints were about his job causing a lot of stress. In the few weeks prior to dropping the bomb, he talked about how he would like to start over someplace new and that he had never been settled as long as we have been these last 14 years.

I was blindsided by his revelation of no longer being in love and wanting out of our marriage. I spent the first few weeks crying a lot and barely able to function. I did not let him see this but he knew because our daughter told him. Even when he moved out, I was able to remain calm towards him. It was when he started spending a lot of time with his young "friend" and later moved her in with him as his "roommate" that I became verbally angry at him.

There were several texting conversations that included verbal put downs by both of us. My self esteem was crushed. This went back and forth several times.

Saturday he called and talked to me for two hours discussing how we need to stop the fighting. I agreed. I am still angry that he can make all the time in the world to help his "friend" but has yet to make plans to see our son. He sees our daughter at her job.

He also talked about me moving on and dating people and he would not hold it against me. He was very curious about some time I had spent out with my girlfriends and if I had met anyone. He also asked about three men in particular. He even checks on my facebook page and mentioned some things posted about a fun weekend I had for my birthday with friends. I was pleased he inquired about my life but he also kept referring to the divorce he plans to file as well as lawyers. We discussed bills and how he is worried I'm not paying the ones still in his name which would cause issues for him. He is giving me money right now but plans to talk to a lawyer about what is required because he thinks he is giving me too much and it is difficult for him to live on what is left.

Everything in our two hour conversation was turned back on himself. It was almost comical. The thing that bothers me most about the situation is that he admits he is a lousy father but that is just who he is. He has always been that way and sees no changes in the future. It's sad that I believe he will abandon his son and maybe even his daughter even though she is his favorite.

H is flaunting his friend and has been for some time. He does not care what people think and has not made a secret of hanging out with her. He has yet to admit that she's anything more than a friend but I'm not naive. He is 45, she is 23. It is disgusting. He posted on facebook about going to Six Flags with some great people, her and another couple, both 18. He even had the audacity to use our daughter's & her boyfriend's passes. If what he's doing isn't bad enough, he has brainwashed our 18 year old D into believing he is doing nothing wrong. I plan to not say anything to him or our D but it's not going to be easy.

I keep trying to comment but they aren't showing up yet. My emotions are so up and down & all over the place. I am (so far) sticking to my plan to detach, give space and say nothing. It's not easy though. He continues to act like an old fool in the throes of a mid life crisis.

I found out the friend is actually only 21 instead of 23. Wow. She was born the same year we were married. Anyway...he showed up on Tuesday (unannounced and uninvited) to return the Six Flags passes. The kids and I were on our way out so he was here about 15 minutes. I was very cordial. We have texted twice since then. Once about the kids and another about D's truck. I find it easier to not have contact at this time and to keep it cordial when we do. I am kind of numb about the whole situation at the moment. I stay busy with my kids and friends so I don't miss him. I don't know if I have detached or am simply coping. Seeing and talking to him usually causes arguments which are better off avoided. His behavior and actions continue to embarrass me but friends tell me it's on him, not me. People also tell me it's obvious he is in a mid life crisis and acting foolish. He does not believe this of himself. Any advice on what to do in the next few weeks?

Only you can decide if he is in an MLC.

I would read the MLC boards and resources to decide.

Generally Confusion = MLC.

If you think it applies put a post on the MLC board and start a thread there.

Jannie, I'm sorry it's so painful. It's wonderful you are able to remain calm under these difficult, trying circumstances.

There's a lot of good advice here on this forum. When you start reading it, it will inspire and encourage you.

Keep posting and let us know what's going on.

J- You've said you read the books..

What are your goals?

What are you doing to GAL?