"So hold on loosely, but don't let go! If you cling to tightly, you're gonna lose control. Give 'em something to believe in and a whole lot of space to breath in...."
That song just popped into my head when I read your post up there on forgiveness. Glad you were able to handle your H's rant so well. It does kind of create even more confidence and peace when we're able to keep from getting sucked into the drama.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
I laughed about that pesky turtle, "Doubt", on your bootcamp thread. Pia says, "Hug your demons or they'll bite you in the a$$."
I'll bet that if you allow that pesky turtle into your meditations and do your job of feeling your feelings, then he'll get bored soon enough. He'll either leave or quit being so pesky. I mean, he's outnumbered by all his turtle buddies. Let him hang around and maybe he'll grow up into discernment or persistence or something.
zig, as I awoke this morning it came to me that a lot of the belief exercise is what I have been doing through my IC and my own work.
I believed that if i didn't make xxx money, I couldn't be happy. I believed that if I didn't work in a certain setting I was less than. I believed that if I didn't control my kid's lives (even a little)they would totally screw up and I would look like a bad mother. I believed that if I was happy, something bad was going to happen.
This is just part of my list but it is so true, once I started uncovering and saying these things aloud, they began to dissipate.
Freedom is a wonderful thing.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
LABUG - that's great - it does give a wonderful sense of freedom, doesn't it?
it's like the moment you realize what your belief has been, it becomes an empty on..
stubborn - give me a day here - i will post it, but don't have time right now. actually i was waiting to see if accuray wanted it - but i think i'll put it on my own thread (gotta start a new one)
ces, KD - i know i have to answer - it'a coming
KD i'm really mulling over what you wrote - thanks for taking the time to explain that
hope you all have a wonderful day
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
ever since saturday night when h told me that he was moving and going on "the trip" he's been a nightmare to deal with.
after months- the ranting alien is back- and i guess i;m exhausted.
he's made a point to stay away and also keep s away. every phone conversation has been godawful, with me staying super calm , but when i've got off the phone i've started to cry - NOT because i'm upset that it didn't go well but actually because the whole effort was so exhausting to go through.
each time he's called back within 5 mins to apologize
actually i shouldn't say each conversation - last night we talked for over 20 minutes and had a great talk. then this evening he lay into me really bad- and asked me to lie on an application and when i got quiet and said i wasn't comfortable doing that he got really angry and sarcastic. i managed to calm things down and get off the phone. then when he called back to apologize - he told me off for not accepting his apology and keeping quiet and then took back me having to lie on the form and said he'd changed his mind.
oddly since yesterday i've just been in a 'this is beyond beyond. i'm out of here' mood concerning him
i have somethings to work through here. i know i was more upset today, because just an hour before, i got the same exact treatment from my brother and i was already upset about that. and that wasn't even a direct conversation- i was on the phone with our mom, and he was yelling at both of us!! need to find out what it is that triggers me off the same way with the two of them
i was trying really hard to get the taxes done for us - and that's an understatement!! one of my major shortcomings all my life was that i absolutely refused to even look at any paperwork and just left it to h. i've never seen a tax form in my life!! so i was plodding through it and doing the best i could (and we don't have a simple one this year) and first tried to ask for some help from brother who yelled back and then finally had to call h who yelled even more.
of course, during the apology he did say several times that he really appreciated me doing this (he had announced that he didn't want to deal with it at all) - and i was actually enjoying learning all this new stuff. the apology conversation - i managed to turn it around so that he completely relaxed and we laughed about some other stuff. but after i got off the phone i burst into tears. i'd spent the whole day working so hard at stuff i had no idea what it all meant and i think i was just exhausted from the mental strain of it
ach!! i'm venting bad here!!
on to more pleasant things - that ^^^sh!t up there i just needed to get off my chest
this morning i found out that the company we'd started years ago to sell my ceramics - thought it had always had my name on it - but apparently it didn;t . so i called the irs and started a new one in my name . it gave me a new boost of confidence - just made me feel so good - just quietly good.
and i thought all of you might like to know that i called it ZIg Designs!! the person that i have become and grown into since i started on this board - i just wanted to honor her - as well as all the amazing people here who have helped me become what i am today. it's not going to be the name i use with the public - but quietly there in the background always reminding me ...
so good times - and my own little business. only after i did it i realized that the old company name - the energy of that was somehow holding me back
yesterday i was talking to a friend - who's doing belief work herself - and she helped me to bring up some stuff with working that really helped me get over some things that were holding me back
so now all day(well until those stupid taxes) i've been daydreaming and imagining what i am going to work towards and it felt really good - finally after all these years i am actually getting a little excited and being able to envision going in any certain direction
so i'm glad it's the end of the day and tomorrow is a new day
coz i got things to do and places to go
labug - sorry for my long vent - i want to say i just love the way you always quietly come and ask me if i'm okay - some kind of guardian bug? thank you for doing that ...
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
journaling- well ,i've been mulling over it this last hour and i finally came to some realizations
i do have expectations from brother and h. that if i am making the "effort" i expect them to at the least respond in a civil manner
and it led me to uncovering a deeper belief - that i expect to be acknowledged for my efforts,
which of course led to a release - it's ok not to be acknowledged - only I need to acknowledge it for myself - that's enough.
through these 10 yrs i have not felt acknowledged for my efforts by both of them. and they have this weird thing going on - when they see "weakness' in me - i think it makes them both anxious and insecure and in order to deal with their feelings, they project it on to me. in my own insecurity and anxiousness to "get things right" i would take it on and react to it.
the tax thing was definitely that for me - totally unfamiliar ground and i made the stupid mistake of going to them for help.
i was actually talking about it with my mom a couple of days ago - that i have really noticed more and more clearly that when i talk to brother and i'm in a good state - he is fine. but the minute i ask a question that implies that i don't have ALL my [censored] together - he's ranting and raving. and that it isn't so much about where i'm at, but where he's at.
too bad i didn't keep that in my mind today - might have had a different reaction to it all. well, i'm learning as i 'm going forward.
don't care so much of what either of them felt about it - really only care what i felt and how i could change that for the better for myself
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
