Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Needing some guidance... 5

remember the steps of the process:
lose the negative feelings.I know this is hard but when you do, you will feel relieved.

I know exactly what you're going through.
An old post from my thread I wrote:



Then a former poster responded with:

LBS creed - I can handle anything thrown my way. I am responsible for my actions, thoughts and happiness. I will respect my WAS and let their problems be their problems. I am fun, confident, interesting and capable. I am attractive. I am interested in others well being. I choose to thrive regardless of my circumstance. I am a warrior.

2x4 time,
jks, we as the LBS have choice too.

I don't recall one M being saved by a LBS who just sat around waiting for the WAS to come back. Even less of a chance(If ANY) if the LBS is pursuing.

It doesn't work that way. Look at history of the boards,
In most people's first post they admit to doing all the wrong things........begging for another chance, promising things will be different, buying gifts etc.
Let's add to that list.....Talking to family members on the other side.

Every time you chose to talk to his family, you are helping him to decide to be with OW.

Now look at couples in piecing and how they got there. Most of the time it's when the LBS completely lets go and starts living teir life for them. That's attractive.
Start thinking of ways to attract your H back to you with out pursuing.

I listed some in my earlier post to you.

Prepare for either outcome and know you will be fine either way.

YOU CAN DO THIS!.
gr8

JKS,
Ugh! I really feel for you. My situation has similarities although OW isn't a known quantity and lives in another city so I don't feel like H's family is on her side.

In terms of the kids, my H also wanted to introduce them to OW now before we're divorced and before he'd moved out of the house. I have a provision in my divorce filing that prevents him from taking the kids out of state with my permission. I told him the only way I'd give permission would be if a counselor could convince me it was a good idea.

We got a recommendation to a great family counselor (expert on kids) who listened to our situation with a fresh perspective and told H what he thought. He told H that in no uncertain terms that it was too early to introduce the kids and he would risk his relationship and OW's future relationship with them if he did it now. The kids need to see our marriage end and accept that we aren't getting back together. He told H how even 20-30 year olds cling to the hope of their parents reconciling.

Anyway, I found the outside perspective to be very helpful. Not sure if you have the same leverage to get your H to agree to that.

I am finally at a level of detachment and H comes here and sees me being more social than I ever have been. He has commented on how he thinks he is looking worse and worse and I keep looking better and better. He's so entrenched with OW that I'm not sure it makes a difference, but I've done enough that I feel like if he ever changes his mind...he can see some changes. The very hard part for me was the changes he'd really want to see were more sexual/intimate and I just can't do a 180 on that stuff anymore. Last fall, when his A first started, I did...I do think it made a difference, but it also allowed him to be on a very comfortable fence.

Anyway, try to live life for you. You will come out of this a stronger, happier person in the end. Look for ways to focus on yourself and enjoy you!!!

There is nothing scarier than letting go. Then saying I can't control the outcome and I can't make you make the right choices or what I believe are the right choices. And even though you will lose all the pain and hurt and sense of betrayal and rejection, if you let go its still the scarier option...because you probably can't imagine that that's what will happen.

I wish I could put you on a little emotional express train and speed you past to the other side of this hill and you could see how free and confident and happy you'll feel. Then you'd want to cross that hill.

Most of us have made that journey and we can see that's what you need to do but you have to walk over the hill by yourself. You have to make the choice.

None us believe that having an affair is okay. But right now he is in a relationship with someone else, you treating him badly because of this choice doesn't get you closer to your goal.

I ask you again what would you be doing differently if I told you the outcome is you never get back together?

Hey J- Whenever I feel like I'm really struggling and backsliding emotionally it usually ends up being a catalyst for a growth spurt. An emotional growth spurt.

I know its hard but give yourself some time.

I cannot explain all the things that worked and didn't work in my sitch.

I know a few that did...a trip I took with the kids to Italy, without h...not to punish but simply not to wait on him anymore. At the last minute he wanted to come too, for "part of it" which would require MAJOR changes in our itinerary, which we planned 8 months in advance. NOT unusual for him to do that, but no longer alright with me.

So I said "sorry, way too complicating NOW so, maybe next time" and he could not complain. He could have planned ahead but he did not.

And I let go.

I began to assume we'd be friendly but divorced. I sought jobs overseas for after d1 graduated. H saw my applications and seemed to note them but said nothing. What could he say?

D2 (then 12,) said she'd be willing to do one year overseas "for the adventure" and for the first time

in decades, i could live where I wanted to live, without regard to H's career.

it was so freeing. I joined things, met new friends and began to look and feel better.

It took some serious persuasion on h's part when he decided he wanted back in.

I PAUSED...

Not b/c I wanted to punish him. On the contrary, I worked hard on forgiveness.


But FIRST I wanted to trust his changes were real

AND SECOND, b/c I was not sure I wanted to give up my new cool life.

That's what I know...

Your T sounds bad. I would find a new one. Do a lot of research before picking a new one, get personal referrals. They should not be forecasting the future.

Look it very hard for me to even write this but I dont know if my H will ever come back to our family but I want my friends and neighbors and most importantly my children to see me act dignified like Maria Shriver and not like a lunatic Real Housewife of Brooklyn.

I dont care how much humilation I face I know that trying to rescue my family is the bravest thing I can do, I know it is what my children would want me to do. One day my children will know everything that went down.

This is the best thing ever!!!! I love that visual

LOL! Me, too! Very noble!

So this morning I was feeling beaten down. And I was so not in the mood to see H to pick my kids. I drove to his parent's house and picked up my D6 to take her to a dentist appt that was just down the street. While we were there the hygienist asked her, so what have you been doing this summer? My D6 then says, well, we just had a big party. It was for OW and she has red hair. My daddy and us got her a fish tank and some fish and made her a really cool cake... blah, blah, blah. I could not believe what I was hearing.

My heart started beating so fast and I just sunk my head in my hands and felt like dying. I cannot remember the last time my H planned a special birthday party for me. I am not being dramatic, I am being serious. It is very painful to hear him do these things for her. I had to leave the office and go outside and sob. I kept telling myself... pull yourself together. I walked back in and wiped my tears and H was there with my other two kids.

I walked up to him and took D1 out of his hands, turned around and walked over to my little boy and sat down on the ground and started playing with them and the toys at the office. H just stood there and stared at me for a minute and then said, thank you. I said, you're welcome (in a cold tone). I had to. I am still trying to recover from every stupid blow to my heart that he gives me on a daily basis. Then he just walked out. Good riddance!! Seriously... I cannot stand to have him in my sight right now.

After the dentist I decided that I needed to go shopping and buy myself something that I would love to help me feel better. So I took the kids to one of my favorite stores and bought some new workout clothes. Just pulling into the parking lot to this store made my mood change very quickly. I texted a friend to come meet us where we were to go eat lunch together.

Then we took our kids to a park and talked for a couple hours about my sitch. She has been reading the book called Real Love in Marriage. I have the book Real Love. And she said the one that focuses on M was probably even better and was such an eye opener for her. She's been having thoughts of leaving her H. But it very much changed her perspective on things. I will be buying it tonight online.

I stayed at the park for a long time to let the kids play. After my friend left a lady there started talking to me about her life and her divorce and such and it felt good to make a new friend. She was very kind. I can admit that things don't feel so hopeless when I'm out doing these things. Sometimes it just takes everything I have to just get myself out there and do something because nothing sounds fun. I see those times as obvious signs of falling back into a depression. I get paralyzed and don't have a desire to get ready for the day or go out and do anything.

Overall today started out rough but turned into a good day. I feel fine right now. I love my babies and I'm happy to have them here with me tonight. For some reason that was the longest three days without them EVER!!

I wanted to address some things that everyone has been saying... I feel like my mind is more clear right now.

Who said you "just wait it out"? NOT US! WE SAY GAL and move forward but keep the road home paved and smooth. You are the one who makes that out to be a HOPELESS nightmare instead of a lifestyle choice that gives YOU some freedom and some peace...

The T is actually the one who said to just wait it out. I thought he was crazy.

Maybe it's not a breach of CONFIDENTIALITY, but it's a weirdo game b/c as you said, now YOU WORRY about what he tells your h that you said. That's not cool. Are you comfortable with that?

I very clearly stated that I did NOT want him sharing anything I said in that session with my H.

I'll always shake my head at the pathological level of conflict avoidance my h's family has.

I think If he'd stabbed me to death, I THINK his mom might have said
"Son, MAYBE that was an overreaction..."

This is my MIL to a "T." I will never understand it. It's totally a way of controlling and it's frustrating in so many ways.

I ask you again what would you be doing differently if I told you the outcome is you never get back together?

I would stop focusing on H. I would live my life for me and my children. I really do go in cycles of doing this very well. I hope people realize this. This week and last have not been good. And I know a lot of it has to do with me. I expected too much from H because he really said so many things that I believed. I'm learning that he does mean them in the moment but they are ONLY for the moment and nothing more. OW is like his drug right now and there really is nothing I can do about it. Time will be the only thing to change this if it ever changes. But, again, that cannot be my focus. Just trying to regroup myself for the 100th time and get my mind in a better place. I get in a really good place and my interactions with H start to get really good and then he starts to realize that he may not be done with our M after all. Then he starts with all of his positive talk and wanting to end things with OW and I just put too much hope into it. It's a hard thing to ignore and not believe when he's being so sincere. I am weak when it comes to him showing me any kind of love, what can I say? This is something I REALLY need to work on.

gr8, I love the LBS creed. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. And thank you so much to everyone else who posted today. I have really loved hearing all of the positive encouragement.

I know I must sound like a crazy woman at times. I want to push "her" out of my life as much as possible!!

I am glad that you recognize your emotions go into a tailspin when you have expectations based on things he's said. Just like we've said don't believe what he says if he says bad things about the M the same has to be said about the good. Work on day by day focusing on you and not bring angry because your expectations didn't happen. I had to take it one day at a time until I realised I hadn't acted psycho for a week then a month haha

You can do this!!!!