Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Thread #7 - What goes down, might come up.

LOL, we actually took a poll on this, on another forum that I belong to. LIKING the statement were most of the women, and all of the "alpha" -type men. The main group DISliking it were the more sensitive males.

I'm actually, IRL, more of the "nice guy"/sensitive/pleaser type than I am the "alpha" type. But I found it VERY interesting that so many of the WOMEN really liked the statement. Several of them commented how it made them feel safe; cherished.

fwiw.


Starsky

lest we forget,

Navy's wife does NOT want to be his "wife".

She wants to be roomates (with no benefits) and finish raising the kids "together".
She does not even want Navy to expect conversation with her, which most "roomates" would enjoy.

She wants the bills paid and Navy's help with the kids, and in return, um,

I am not so sure what SHE is giving. Uh I guess she won't ignore the kids?? OR at least the kids will be in the same house as Navy and that's pretty much what SHE seems to want. Not a marriage. Nothing wherein HE can make any demands of her. He is to have no expecations.

My point is, Navy is not in a position (in HER eyes) to give any terms to her.

I don't see any way his requests or statements will be given respect.

Until he is ready to "enforce" what he says, [/u]what is the point in asking or telling her not to do something we all know she'll use against him AND ignore anyhow?

He has to decide if the roomate relationship, even with a detached unfriendly roomate, who may have OM in her life, is something he can endure,

OR see what the other options are.

So far, Navy seems to think the only option he has with his wife is "asking her to be nicer"

or leaving his family and losing his kids.

I think there are other options Navy. I really do. I can't wait til you see that too.

Please don't misunderstand; "I will not share my wife with another man," and "I have decided that I'm no longer willing to live in an open, sexless marriage" can just as soon be ACTIONS, as WORDS.

In fact, they SHOULD be actions.

The forums are littered with people who say "Oh, make no mistake, my wife knows EXACTLY where I stand on the issue!", and I'm like "Um, no she doesn't, because your words say one thing but your actions say another."

I agree and that is very true.

I think we're on the same page.

Yep.

Ugh. I was just sitting outside relaxing and D6 brought me a picture she drew of her, W, and I holding hands with a bunch of hearts around us. When she gave it to me she told me that she made the hearts perfect.

Ouch.

I just lost it....had to go for a walk.

Seriously it's the enforcement that will make a difference here. You can tell her till her face turns blue but she will continue to see this guys. Oh and the whole phone privacy thing.... That's cheating sign #1.

Not evidence or proof, but sign. She does not respect you or your boundaries so you should pull the plug. Otherwise she will continue to do this.

I know the kids issue is the hardest, but your daughter is learning how to treat her future husband from her mother, and your son at this rate will grow up thinking that a relationship like the one you have is to be expected. Besides can either of you really endure 14+ more years of this?

Well, I got home from soccer today and W tells me she's made plans to go hang out with her new friend. I didn't react well. I told her that I don't think her going over to his house is something I can accept in our situation. I told her that I'm not going to tell her what to do, it's her choice. She went and is there now. .

I'm really struggling with trusting her and now on top of that I'm beating myself up for missing the chance to show her that I want her to have an outside life and that I don't want to control her.

I think she really does see this as the same as hanging out with one of her girlfriends. All I can do at this point is let go...but as you all know that is something that for whatever reason, I can't do.

navy, i feel so sad for you that you feel you deserve this kind of disrespect. i know so many wise people on here have offered advice and encouragement and yet, you don't take it and enforce boundaries.

it's hard to know what to tell you. nothing seems to register enough to get you to love yourself.

((()))