Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers In home separation? Off / On? Still WAW? Dunno

Thanks Mr Bond

Yeah I could use it to my advantage, definitely something to ponder. I might leave it a couple of days though, just to see if she brings her purchases up first.

Chatterbug - great advice about discussing with my friend about the marraige

I know if it was a relationship - not a marraige and no kids involved, he'd support me.

But on the other hand he's always got on really well with my wife and he might support the M.

I guess i'm saying I couldn't really predict what he'd support.

I think I'll see how I feel tomorrow about telling him.

Bill

Hi Bill,

First off, congrats for detaching! It is a relief and a peaceful state of being. So, good on you!!

Yes, I would confirm not to jump to any conclusions - which you clearly haven't. I like Chatterbug's suggestion to just pick it up and put it together with the post.

As you say, give it a week or two and hopefully she will mention it herself. Maybe it is self-pleasuring she has in mind, and could be to your advantage.

Now, I just want to also add that maybe she is sending those things to get a reaction from you somehow. If sex has been sporadic, it could be a message to you. It's clearly not something she wants to hide, but rather be more suggestive in some way. The only thing is that we are not sure what way that is.

A mystery has begun!

Yep it's a mystery alright... I'll have to take some time to think it over.

Right I'm beat - it's twenty to 1 in the morning here & I need some sleep.

Thanks Bond, Chatterbug, Yankee for the advice tonight - much appreciated.

Night Bill

The problem with knowing about it is if it is not for you at all. And arrived a day late.

I would do a little verification. Just to make sure.

Thanks Chatterbug, YC & Mr Bond for your advice the other day...

Chatterbug you asked me to do the following..



I'd done a little bit of thinking on this one & my W was sending a package back - so half the stuff she ordered is being sent back ( so it's just 1 outfit & mr rabbit staying).

I was running this through my head how I'd bring it up & after about 10 minutes I came to the conclusion, it doesn't really matter who it's for to me.

I said that the sex had been sporadic with sometimes 2 - 3 weeks between, well lately I'm the one who intiates everything & for the last couple of weeks I haven't wanted to initiate anything.

I said I felt detached, well right now I've totally lost interest in her & what she is or isn't doing.

For the first time since the bomb I feel completely at ease with myself, my focus is off my W and it's firmly on my kids, my friends & myself.

The last R talk that we had about 3 weeks ago, my W complained that we hadn't got any closer or that things hadn't changed, so I stated my boundary clearly about her contact with the OM @ dancing by saying,

'While you are still in contact and dancing with him, whether anything is still going on or not, we can't get any closer. I won't be a part of any love triangle. You cannot expect me to be OK with you still seeing him in any way, shape or form, and for us to try & work though our issues whilst this is happening'.

I'm starting to see just how significant this statement was, 'cause since then she has carried on dancing anyway. I have pulled back completely because of this, no ML - no pursuing at all.

Without realising it at the time, I may as well have asked her to choose & since she's not willing to give up dancing with him, I still know her choice.

I'm not upset, I'm not full of regrets, I'm accepting what is actually happening now.

I refuse to be seduced by by my W anymore to keep me where I've been (limboland) the past few months.

I'm gonna sit this out, keep working on me, connect more with my friends & spend as much time with my kids as possible.

This is my life right now, IF and WHEN my W is done with this guy I'll see what's left.

I don't trust my W at all and she has no respect for me in what she is continuing to do.

I can't have a R with anyone who I don't trust and doesn't respect me.

I stated before what would help me regain my trust in my W, unless these things change, I haven't got a chance to see if I could begin to trust her again.

Although this post might seem like I'm down, I'm honestly not feeling down, if anything I think I'm starting to see this sitch clearly for what it is.

So my new goal is to GAL a hell of a lot more, distance myself more from my W & see how events unfold.

I think it's time for me to stop being her plan B

Bill

Hi Bill,

I just read your post and my first question is, did you and your W have an agreement to piece it back yet? Did she agree to 'come back.'

I know you are still living together, which makes it quite confusing naturally anyway. But I am just wondering if in her mind she is in a relationship with you? Or, in her mind is she still a WAS?

Hi Yankee

No we definitely haven't got an agreement to piece or try to piece anything back together again.

I'm not mindreading when I say that I'm pretty sure her words actions still suggest we are co-parenting room mates, who are still good friends & find each other physically attractive.

It is confusing living together and if it wasn't for the kids I don't think we would still be living together right now.

She is still a WAS and right now, I'm not far behind in the wanting away stakes.

I've reached a point where I don't want to stay in this cycle of me thinking things are slowly getting better, without having hopes and expectations.

My W initiated that R talk a few weeks ago & I laid down a clear boundary about her contact with the other man, which she continues to ignore.

For me things can't stay the same, I'm through being her plan B.

I'm looking into legal separation, living arrangements, all my options & I'm going to sit with it for a couple of weeks, so I don't do anything hasty or unrational.

For all the problems that we've had in our M, I take my share of the responsibility for them, but I'd be a fool to think that our issues where solely down to me & her behaviour is justifiable because of our problems.

I just can't pretend anymore that her continual lack of respect for me by carrying on contact with the OM is acceptable, I need to enforce this boundary whatever the outcome and I am now ready to deal with the fall out.

Bill. Your mind is in a great location. I am glad you have stepped beyond that "It's her journey" stuff.

D8 and S6 will learn tons about your character. They will also learn what is acceptable and unacceptable treatment of those you love. But more importantly they will learn that it is unhealthy to let some one walk over you due to porous boundaries and lack of self identity.

Some great teaching moments coming up.

How did the conversation with your friend go ?

Hi Bill,

Yes, I feel your frustration. I'm very sorry to hear about the developments of your sitch. A part of me thinks that yes, living separately might very well be the answer - you know, giving her space to see what it feels like without you. In the meantime, maybe there is a way you can begin to enforce that while you are still at home do you think?

Sleep in separate spaces for example. Consider asking her to sleep on the couch if there is no spare private bedroom, because you need to your space and want to go LRT.

I remember you asking for advice on how to jumpstart something. Things have been at this status quo for a while. There's also a standoff feeling as well - maybe a bit of cake eating from her end?

I've just caught up and this stood out to me


along with her saying I don't want to be the one making all the decisions.

God knows that's how I felt. I think if she may really want you to put your foot down. I did a lot of crazy stuff because I was hoping to get some sort of reaction out of him and he'd given up in terms of saying anything.

I'm wary of giving you direct advice...I'm no DB coach. Have you had a session? I know money's tight but I stretched for one...the exchange rate is on our side and it was well worth it!!

But I will ask what is it that you really want? And what will get you closer to that goal? If she likes you being direct and aggressive then she may want a big grand gesture...